Hit me baby one more time....

So my docs office called me on Saturday morning.  Yes you read that right Saturday morning. At 8:30 to give me the results of a bone scan.  Now anyone who knows me knows that if you call me that early and I answer chances are I wont have a clue of what we talked about.  I am more of a night owl, or insomniac, whichever you want to call it.  So she mentioned something about osteopenia and the scan I had a while ago.

So I fall back to sleep and when I wake up I am thinking osteopenia?  What the hell is that?  Sounds like some country in Europe, between Luxemborg and Lithuania, I was never really good at geography so I guess it could have been.

Of course I look up osteopenia. I am a internet junkie, of course I am going to look it up.  It is defined on Web MD as: Osteopenia refers to bone mineral density BMD  that is lower than normal peak BMD but not low enough to be classified as osteoporosis.

So let me get this straight. I finished up the shitty part of my treatment in mid 2008.  I get a bone scan and find out that I have another side effect.

FUCK.

While I know that this was a possibility, once again going back to the "menu" of side effects that the docs give you while you are going through treatment I didn't expect it. I expected to be finished.  Done with side effects.  I still have lingering neuropathy that shows up every once and a while like an unwanted house guest and sometimes stays like one too.

Getting another side effect is like getting punched in the face without expecting it. Except, with that the black eye you may get will go away. Osteopenia  however stays with you.  Yes I will take more pills (oh goody just what I wanted to do spend more fucking money on meds and take more fucking pills) and do weight bearing exercises (walking, which I find extremely boring and tedious, and no there will be no running, not with these knees)  to help offset the osteopenia.

Sometimes I wonder why my body hates me so much. I have been pretty good to it, (well we wont talk about those college days, that is just to be expected, and what happens in the dorms stays in the dorms)  It attacks me with cancer (overproduction of cells)  My immune system attacks me (hypothyroidism) I have vitamin d deficiency, I have no clue how I got that besides I am not outside enough?    My mind attacks me with depression.

It is very frustrating to think you are out of the woods only to look up and see more trees.

Like I always say:

Cancer, its the gift that keeps on giving. 

Mel is the co~host/producer of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com 

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com. Available on demand and also available on itunes.

They are just words, right?

I am online alot.  Some would say I am a social media junkie.  It is the wave of the future.  During these times online I read blogs, articles, facebook posts, tweets about cancer.  I am an advocate and I try to keep up on the latest news and goings on to keep readers of my blog and my facebook pages informed.  Something I started doing a while ago.  Anytime I found an interesting article or news piece I would post it, figuring it may be of interest to someone, especially since most people don't pour over medical info like I do.

I read other survivors blogs, not just breast cancer survivors, but other cancer survivors too.  Different cancer, same battle as I like to think.  We are all in the same fight.

Words.  They help, they heal.  They convey feelings.   In a prior post I blogged about my feelings of "cured" vs "cancer free."

Another word that just drives me crazy when it comes to people describing their battle is suffer (for the Vic McCarty show we actually had an author who had that in the title of his book!)

I believe in a positive mindset.  The way you look at something can change your outlook, your perception of how it is going.  When I began to talk about cancer on the radio and people asked me if I suffer from cancer I would angrily say no (I am not a cancer victim either, but that is an older blog that I wrote some time ago)  I am a fighter, I am a survivor, I am not a sufferer.  Yes cancer has attacked my body, attacked my mind, depression is something I never thought I would have and yes it has even attacked my spirit.  But through all of that I can honestly say I didn't suffer.  I prevailed.  I triumphed.  Its all in the way you look at things.  Some days I would get so tired I could barely make it through a 3 hour workday.  Some days I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, was disgusted at the lack of hair I had from the chemo making it fall out.  The radiation machine freaked me out so much I had to crank up music on the ipod so I wouldn't hear the noise of the machine or the sound of my breathing, thinking am I breathing too hard that this will radiate my lungs (one of the side effects they tell you you may have.)
Through all of that I still don't say I suffered.

I believe in positive thinking.

I fought.

I battled.

I didn't suffer

I am  a  Warrior. 



Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com also available as a  podcast.

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Also available on itunes.

The Race

I went to my first NASCAR race recently, one of the perks of where I work.  I got pit passes, got up close to the drivers pit crew, saw all the prep they do during the race and when the car comes into pit row (ok so if I get the names of things wrong sorry, I play hockey, watching NASCAR to me reminds me of when I lived by the 101 freeway in the San Fernando Valley)

I am always thinking of my next blog, or podcast, what inspiring survivor I can get on the podcast, what I should write next.  I was uploading my race photos to facebook and I thought this kind of reminds me of treatment.

The race was my cancer experience.  While I was in the race, time stands still, moves slow.  For others it is just another day, minutes are regular minutes hours are hours days are days. 

The noise of the race was deafening.  That reminds me of when the doc first tells you "It's cancer"  Suddenly words run together, people are talking but it doesn't make sense.  You can hear your own heartbeat in the sound of the race.

The docs, nurses medical staff are your pit crew. All of the pit crew around the car reminded me of surgery, you are almost out of it, there are people around that you don't know and they are all checking on you.

"Checking under the hood"  as I like to call it when they do a breast exam.  The adding of the oil, like a blood draw, well you get the analogies.  Although I do think a blood draw would be less upsetting to me if the needles made that whirr sound like the pneumatic drill does in the race.

Your caregiver is your pit boss.  Making sure everything goes smoothly.  Not that that is entirely possible.  No one can foresee nausea, insomnia or any of the other lovely side effects that go along with cancer, but if it wasn't for your pit boss, your race would be more difficult

Everyones race experience is different.  Some go through treatment with little side effects, no major crashes to speak of.  Others have their cars in pit row the whole time of the race.  I have to say I was somewhere in between. 

Once the treatment is over, some people think the race is over, but there could be more races, meaning, complications, more surgeries, recurrance, depression, entirely new cancers.  Different races, different tracks.

We are all just looking to cross the finish line.  Doesn't matter if we get the checkered flag.  Just matters that that we finish the race, that we beat cancer.

I am looking forward to the time when no one will have to race.

Mel is the co-host/producer of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday~Friday 10am-Noon on wmktthetalkstation.com.  Also available as a podcast.

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com

Dear Cancer...

I started thinking about this on the eve of an oncology appointment.  If cancer was here, in this room, what I would say to it.

Dear  Cancer,

I go between being really pissed at you and being grateful.  Pissed?  You are wondering why I am pissed at you?  You stole almost two years from me,  where instead of having surgeries, chemo, radiation, nausea, constipation, insomnia, anger, having my pee turn red, having mouth sores, being bald, not being able to work as much as I used to when I should have been playing hockey, riding my bike, being outside enjoying the weather, not being so fucking tired I wanted to sleep, then not being able to sleep because of insomnia, making dinner then not being able to eat because I felt like shit.

You make it hard for me to think, because of chemobrain.  I used to know the answers to things, but some days I just struggle to put sentences together. 

I have scars, both emotional and physical because of you. You made it hard for me to look at myself for the longest time, that has passed, but I am still angry about it.

You are the reason my friend Nick Corea is no longer here.  You took him from us too soon.  I still remember that day when I found out he was gone.  It was like it was yesterday.  You robbed the world of a great man.  For that you will never be forgiven.


You wonder why I am grateful?  I am not grateful for you, lets make that clear.  I am grateful that I found you early, early enough to get treatment to stop you.  I am grateful that I found strength that I never knew I had, Grateful that I have an awesome support system of friends, family and co-workers.  The medical staff that I had was the best anyone could ask for.

Grateful I found a voice not only for myself, but because of you, I can speak for those who can't, who are too afraid, too sick, too weak or just too afraid.

Grateful for the network of people that I have found who hate you as much as I do.  Who want to eradicate you as much as I do.

Grateful I have found a purpose.  Ha, you think you did all this for me?  I realized strength and determination was in me all along, it just took something as vile as you to bring it to the surface.

Now you can leave.  You can leave all my friends alone.  You can leave people I never met alone.  You can go away.  Never come back.


If you do the last five things I ask I will be eternally grateful.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now, and also available on itunes

Battling your demons

This blog entry has been a long time coming.  I have been depressed.  I didn't really realize it until just recently when I talked to my doctor.  It may come as a shock to a lot of people, as I hid it very well.  

Looking back I think it has been at least since December since the depression started to affect me.  I used to be a gym rat, but I haven't really been to the gym in a long time.  Oh sure I can make excuses like I was tired or work, but I face the fact that it was depression.

My doctor asked me if my depression was so bad I couldn't get out of bed, I laughed to myself, thinking, well I wouldn't have a job if I couldn't get out of bed now would I?  I still have my sense of humor.

I would do just enough to skate by at work too.  You are probably thinking, uh you work at a radio station, you don't have the missile launch codes or anything like that how can you just skate by?

Well I would do just enough.  On the outside to everyone else I looked happy and fine, in my head I was freaking out over everything, everything would make me upset.  You name it, it would probably upset me.

Cancer is easy for me to understand.  Cells reproduce into a tumor. Take out the tumor, no cancer.  In the simplest of terms right?

Depression, as described by dictionary.com is:

sadness; gloom; dejection,  a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason

That explains it, that is how I felt.  Its not something you can just "get over"  Believe me I tried.  I had hoped it was just some passing thing.  That the chemicals in my brain would be jacked just enough to make me upset and sad. 

I tried to read about it Serotonin-norepinephrine are the chemicals in the brain, but blah blah medical terminology, I got distracted.  

People have said to me when I tell them I have been depressed, well its no wonder you have been through a lot.  Yeah but I should be able to handle this shouldn't I?  After all its been over a year since I have been done with treatment.  I shouldn't be feeling this way.  At least that is what I would tell myself, fighting my own sad or angry thoughts, trying to make them stop.  I survived cancer, and the treatment and now some chemicals in my head aren't reacting properly.

I was taking one pill (effexor) once a day to deal with my depression (as I said before in other blogs, I have a hard time asking for help) 

I met with my doc for a routine appointment and she was concerned about my mood.  Even that pissed me off a little (that should have told me something I thought to myself what do I have to be a happy freaking monkey all the time?)

The final straw that made me realize I needed help was when I thought someone unfriended me on facebook.  I started to cry.  I was at work and doing a live airshift.  I texted a mutual friend of mine and we chatted about it.  Turns out our friend's facebook page was hacked and she had to turn it off.

The next day I called the doctor and asked if I could take effexor twice a day.  It has made a world of difference.  

The moral of my story:  Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need to.  Your doctor, your priest, a therapist, whomever.  You are not in this fight alone.  At times it may feel like it is just you against the world, but that is not the case.  

Trust me, I know.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my show The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on Itunes

D'OUGH!!!

I still have side effects related to cancer.  Just another reminder of the cancer I had.

"Well you are cured now aren't you?"   Is something I hear often. Really? Last I checked there was no cure for any cancer.  No I am not cured.  I am in remission, in 2012 I will be considered cancer free, that will have been 5 years since diagnosis.  I am not cured.  The day there is a cure for my cancer, or any cancer for that matter I will be celebrating.

It seems that people assume that when you are done with cancer treatment you are done with cancer. 

That isn't always the case.  Side effects can linger for months even years after treatment. 

"Well you are done with treatment you are fine now aren't you?"

 

For the most part I would say yes.  But that is not always the case.

Those of us who have these side effects get used to them.  I have had side effects last longer than treatment.  My neuropathy for example lasted for 20 months, treatment for 14.  Every so often I feel a twinge in my foot.  

Hot flashes are another side effect I have.  I am not going through menopause, it is a side effect of tamoxifen, a cancer fighting drug I am taking until 2013.  I kind of wish I was going through menopause.  I never really wanted to have kids, as a matter of fact when the oncologist said the chemo might put me into early menopause I actually said  SWEET!   I am sure that was not the reaction my oncologist was expecting.

Trying to adjust to this "new normal" has been difficult.  Survivorship has been difficult. It takes a while to get back to how you felt before, or even close to how you felt.

Depression is a struggle for me.  Cancer makes sense to me, in a way, there is a tumor, you remove it, cancer's gone.  Depression, oh well its the serotonin and norepinephrine, in your brain, its a chemical imbalance, it might go away it might not.  Anti depressants work for me.  Its not something you can just "get over."  Some people have it, some people don't.  One of the list of the many side effects on the menu.  Still wishing I could have picked and choosed my side effects.

Because of cancer I am in debt, not as bad as some, worse than others.  Another reason for my depression. 

"Well there is nothing you can do about it so don't worry about it."  is what people tell me.  Ok those damn debt collectors who call expecting something, when I have nothing to give them.  Easier said than done.  When the blinking light on the answering machine reminds me that So and so called from some collection agency and they want their money.  "I want to give you your money I don't have it/"  "Can't you just make a small payment."   Wow what a great idea, I never thought about that.  I am actually being sued by a credit card company for 1400 dollars.   I owe the hospital ten times that amount, they aren't suing me.  

What's in your wallet?  

Uh not much....

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live Monday-Friday 10am-noon on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com  Available on demand now and on itunes

MELATHON

Another guest blogger.  Enjoy

Mel was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer on 9/18/07. Because of her employment, she was and is still not eligible for full health care coverage. Mel was only able to get some very basic coverage at her own expense. The result, she owes the hospital and doctors over $20,000. She has only been able to make small payments against this large debt. Now, the wolves are at her door, calling, process serving letters etc, wanting it all now. The only way she will be able to do this now, is to declare bankruptcy!


We were working in the radio station this past Friday. She told me a process server came by this week with papers, she started to cry. She said, "My docs, they will not get a penny if I go bankrupt, my doctors have become my friends, they saved my life, how can I do that to them?"



Mel has turned her life over to helping people cope with cancer issues. Those of us friends and co-workers who know Mel, know that she is a tireless advocate for cancer awareness and never complains about her personal situation. She is always fun and upbeat and likes to bring joy into peoples lives, because she has her life back. As one of her friends, it is my hope, that all of us together can chip in to help her out now. It is impossible for her to raise this kind of money in a short time.



We were thinking about doing a local fundraiser for her in the Spring, but now there is no more time.


As one of her friends, I'm begging you to forgo those pizzas this month....or that elegant dinner for two you were planning, No gift is too big or to small. Please help our friend Mel Majoros, who has helped so many. Please be as generous as you can. $20,000 plus is a lot of money to one person, but not to the hundreds of us who care about Mel. We can do it!



Please send your gift to: Mel Majoros

Po Box 148

Petoskey, MI 49770



Please make sure that your check is made payable to: "Mel Majoros"



Do not include the words cancer appeal or fund in the payable line. However, you can put that in your memo section if you wish.



Also, if it is easier for you to Paypal your gift,

you can send it to: thecancerwarrior@gmail.com, or click on the paypal link at the top of this blog




Feel free to repost this on your personal Facebook page or blog with your own personal appeal.





Brian E. Brachel is the Chief Engineer for MacDonald Garber Broadcasting and the General Manager of Baraga Broadcasting, Catholic Radio for Northern Michigan.  You can contact him at
Brian.Brachel@106khq.com


Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live 10am-noon Monday-Friday eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand now and also available on itunes.

Deja-Vu all over again....

Definition of Deja-Vu by Free Dictionary.com

Noun- The experience of thinking that a new situation had occurred before

an experience that causes you to remember something

I recently found out a survivor friend of mine had a new cancer.  Not a recurrance, but a brand new cancer.  The drugs they give you to get rid of the cancer that you have can cause more cancer, and even different cancers.  Pretty ironic.  That is one scary part about cancer.  You can feel totally fine and it can sneak up on you.

I had an ultrasound the other day.  A pelvic ultrasound.  Normally these tests don't worry me, but for some reason this one really got in my head, don't ask me why.  Maybe it was just the culmination of stress from everyday  life that manifested itself into this one test.

 I am used to tests, it gets to be kind of routine, part of your daily life, unfortunately.  I am always interested in watching the screen when I get a scan.  Not like I have a damn clue of what I am looking at now, white with a lot of dark spots, looks like the fucking moon, ok is that good or bad?  Tech doesn't say, can't say, not allowed to.  (Remember I have already gotten one tech in trouble so my chart is probably flagged like Elaine's chart was in Seinfeld, labeled a trouble maker)

I remember looking down at the shirt I was wearing. Life is Good.  God it would be so ironic if this was the day they scanned me and I had more cancer.

So the test was on Thursday.  Wait for the results.  Over the weekend, oh yeah a holiday weekend.  72 hours to have all sorts of  thoughts run through my head, none of them helpful to me or my health.  Just breathe, it will be ok, I am thinking, what if that black spot is a tumor, what if cancer is back? How do the techs and radiologist tell what all that stuff is?  It looks like a picture of the moon to me. Shit, I want to have a good weekend, but I couldn't get it out of my head.  I am my own worst enemy.  Try to be happy, not think about it.  I can't always be happy.  Thinking about the possibility about having another cancer doesn't leave you with the sunshine and puppies feeling. The whole 3 day weekend goes by and its Tuesday.

Call the doc, leave a message.

No response.

The universe has its own timetable.  As much as I would hope that my pelvic ultrasound of what looks like the sea of tranquility will be read by the radiologist before anyone elses I know that is most likely not the case.

I think to myself, don't they know how stressed out I am about this?  How could they honestly?  I try to avoid the doctor as much as I can.  Not that I am not grateful for what they have done for me, but the less I see them the better I feel.  As a patient I am proactive, but I also realize that sometimes I am a pain in the ass. (first step to recovery is admitting your problem)

Wednesday.  Call the docs office, instead of going to voicemail I get the office manager Carla, tell her I would like the results of my test if they have them that would be great because, as I have written before, I am not a patient patient, I hate waiting, despise it I hate being late to things, even by a few minutes.  I believe it is some kind of ocd with me. Carla puts me on hold.  The doctor picks up the line.  No masses, good I think to myself, I really shouldn't look at ultrasounds again, looks like the moon, might see Neil Armstrong on there.

But...

There is always a but.

Since the one of the drugs I take stops my period, a side effect I was happy to have, the endometrius builds up, that is basically the blood that you would have shed if you had a period.  That is normal.  No period.  Stuff stays somewhere.  They want to biopsy it just to make sure.  Tamoxifen can cause endometrial cancer.  Anti cancer drugs that cause cancer.  Still want to pick and choose my side effects.  So she explains to me about what all is involved in an endometrial biopsy.  It is pretty much like a pap test only they take a part of the endometrius.

So why is it deja-vu all over again.  I think back to my friend, the breast cancer survivor.  I just saw her in October at a cancer society fundraiser. Three short months ago. She looked great.  Now she has a new different cancer.

Monday I have my biopsy.

Then once again.  I wait.

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast available on demand on Empoweradio.com and also available on itunes.

WOW!!!! this blog was named one of the Top Ten Breast Cancer Blogs by Blogs.com

I guess people like what they are reading.  Funny, when I started this blog it was for cathartic purposes.  Having cancer is hard, the treatments are sometimes worse than the disease, and survivorship is the hardest of all.  I needed an outlet to vent how I felt and just talking about it wasn't helping, I mean therapy is very helpful for me, but usually when you are really upset it is not during therapy times, it is usually sometimes late at night when you are going through those times where you feel really sad and dark.  That is why I started blogging.

I am glad that what I write helps people. That is very rewarding.


Here is the link to the blog.com website:
http://www.blogs.com/topten/top-10-breast-cancer-blogs/

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on www.wmktthetalkstation.com.

Whatever gets you through the day part two

I was on one of the social networking sites tonight instant messaging a friend of mine and we were talking about using anti depression medication. I recently tried to get off of mine, but a week of trying to get off of it and nasty side effects from it made me decide to stay on them. Unless I was going to be away from people or not on the radio I would have been able to get off of them, but the side effects of getting off of effexor, the brand of anti depressant I take was I was extremely jumpy and I felt like I was going to burst into tears at the drop of a hat. I don't think that would make for good radio, although some may disagree.

There is less of a stigma now days with people taking anti depressants or anti anxiety pills as there used to be. I was even nervous about asking my doctor about getting on some form of anti depressants, but I felt like I wasn't me, I am usually in a good mood most of the time and survivorship, cancer, side effects, well I guess the whole snowball of everything got to me. I remember sitting in the room talking to the doctor, not even being able to look at her, kind of embarassed about asking. She told me not to worry, that it wouldn't be forever. But you know what? I am ok with the fact that it might be. I have been through a lot in the last two years, and if I have to take a little pill to keep me from feeling lost or sad or out of sorts then so be it. I would not be where I am with out it, and of course this is only my opinion, if you think you need something like this to help you always consult with your doctor, that is what I do, sometimes, I think to a ridiculous degree, but hey, I am was definitely not used to going from being in great health and getting ready to play hockey to having cancer, going through chemo, losing my hair, feeling like shit, feeling tired, having insomnia, being hungry and not being able to eat, having radiation, having people treat me different, having people give me that poor you look, (which I hate by the way, if you ever give me that look I will call you on it, I have to my friends and to my health care professionals) not being able to work, not being able to do the things I want to do and changing my whole life because my body basically wanted to kill me.

So yeah I am a proponent of Anti depressant and anti anxiety meds.

I know with this blog it seems like the meds aren't working, but trust me they are, it has been a long day,a good day, but a long one none the less and along with humor I use an ample supply of sarcasm to help me cope.


Mel is the producer of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen live weekdays 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com