Drowning in your own thoughts

May is mental health awareness month.  I find it ironic that I asked my doctor to up my anti depressant dosage during this month.  Things have been in a downward spiral for about a month.  I can't put my finger on what the trigger was for it.  Just stress I guess.

I should be happy!  I survived cancer.

Kicked its ass actually, and continue to kick it with my advocacy.

Then why am I so damned depressed?

Freedictionary defines depression as: Psychology A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. Also called clinical depression

Great.  I survived cancer now I have a psychiatric disorder.

It's not really that uncommon for cancer survivors to be depressed.  I don't have exact numbers or graphs or charts but I know I am not the only one.

Although sometimes it feels that way.

I know I have been avoiding dealing with this for some time.  I'm supposed to be strong right?  I'm the one people lean on.  A friend of mine told me that he doesn't know how I can deal with everything I deal with, that I must have armadillo skin.

The signs were all there.  Avoidance, sadness, loss of interest etc.  I chose to ignore them, or maybe I thought it was different this time.

I was wrong.

Its hard to explain to someone who doesn't deal with this what its like.  It sucks because its not something you can control.

I tried to explain to a friend of mine about this.  I said I was dealing with this depression, and that it wasn't going to be easy dealing with me, that I may get upset or angry for no reason.  She said she understood.
But I could tell she really didn't.

Trying to explain to someone what this feels like is like shooting rubberbands at the stars.  You can try but it wont reach.  Unless you have know what this feels like its hard to explain.

Your head tells you one thing that your heart knows isn't true:
No one else feels like this, no one can help me, I feel lost.

Obviously none of those are true, but when you are within that moment, drowning in a sea of your own thoughts that is what it feels like.

Depression can handcuff you too.  Makes it hard to do your job and live your life.  Sometimes its a struggle just to make it through the day without wanting to just curl up in a ball and go to sleep, or feel like you are on pins and needles the whole day.

The passing of The Carcinista was a definitely a huge blow.  I am not even sure how I got through that week at work.

So if you saw me the first week of May I wasn't myself.
Realizing that was hard.

Asking for help was harder.

I know I am taking steps in the right direction to get back on track, back to myself.
It could be a slow process, or a quick one.

Either way I am glad I know I am getting better.


Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com
Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Resident Evil

Last blogpost was about my friend Sarah aka The Carcinista's decision to stop treatment and live out the rest of her life on her terms.  I recorded a podcast with Sarah on Wednesday April 27.  Podcast went on Empower Radio 2 days later.  On Tuesday May 3rd I had learned that she had passed away.  Now they gave her a month (from what exact day I am not sure that was given, found out about it when I looked at facebook on my iphone, I am finding out more shitty information about my survivor friends that way.)

Of course I cried.  I was totally stunned and blown away.  How could this be?  Less than a week...  

I was beside myself with grief.

I still am.

I actually thought about giving up my advocacy.  I didn't share that with anyone.  It was a thought that went through my head.  Why am I doing this if my friends keep dying?  How can what I do make any kind of difference?

Then I saw a post my my facebook wall from Angella Hamilton.  I had called her after I had found out Sarah had passed and left a tear filled message on her voicemail. 

This is the post Angella had left me:  

"I want to tell you that what you do makes a difference. I know there are days when it gets rough- but your podcast with Sarah, and every cancer Survivor for that matter - makes an impact on people's lives and you should feel good about that."

So with those words in front of me I had several thoughts surrounding me.  I could run and hide and shut myself off from the world which is what I really felt like doing.

Or I could still be sad, pissed off, and stay in the fight.

I guess you figured out which one I chose.


Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

They are just words, right?

I am online alot.  Some would say I am a social media junkie.  It is the wave of the future.  During these times online I read blogs, articles, facebook posts, tweets about cancer.  I am an advocate and I try to keep up on the latest news and goings on to keep readers of my blog and my facebook pages informed.  Something I started doing a while ago.  Anytime I found an interesting article or news piece I would post it, figuring it may be of interest to someone, especially since most people don't pour over medical info like I do.

I read other survivors blogs, not just breast cancer survivors, but other cancer survivors too.  Different cancer, same battle as I like to think.  We are all in the same fight.

Words.  They help, they heal.  They convey feelings.   In a prior post I blogged about my feelings of "cured" vs "cancer free."

Another word that just drives me crazy when it comes to people describing their battle is suffer (for the Vic McCarty show we actually had an author who had that in the title of his book!)

I believe in a positive mindset.  The way you look at something can change your outlook, your perception of how it is going.  When I began to talk about cancer on the radio and people asked me if I suffer from cancer I would angrily say no (I am not a cancer victim either, but that is an older blog that I wrote some time ago)  I am a fighter, I am a survivor, I am not a sufferer.  Yes cancer has attacked my body, attacked my mind, depression is something I never thought I would have and yes it has even attacked my spirit.  But through all of that I can honestly say I didn't suffer.  I prevailed.  I triumphed.  Its all in the way you look at things.  Some days I would get so tired I could barely make it through a 3 hour workday.  Some days I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, was disgusted at the lack of hair I had from the chemo making it fall out.  The radiation machine freaked me out so much I had to crank up music on the ipod so I wouldn't hear the noise of the machine or the sound of my breathing, thinking am I breathing too hard that this will radiate my lungs (one of the side effects they tell you you may have.)
Through all of that I still don't say I suffered.

I believe in positive thinking.

I fought.

I battled.

I didn't suffer

I am  a  Warrior. 



Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com also available as a  podcast.

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Also available on itunes.

Spare Me The Stronger Part -Even Though It’s True

 

Another Guest blog.  Enjoy

My  ( ex) hairdresser said the dreaded words. “ Well, you know. . this will only make you stronger! **wink,wink** “ My usual retort used to be “Really? I thought life was hard enough without a bout of cancer to toughen you up. “ But I didn’t have the energy that day. I just smiled and thought “Just cut my hair lady - this is the last time I’ll be in your chair for a solid year.”  That was almost 3 years ago now and still  I  wonder what my children really thought of my cancer.  We tried to keep life pretty normal, but  we weren’t hiding anything either. They knew about the surgeries and chemotherapy etc. Yet, it is truly hard to tell how it impacted them until something else sneaks up. Like when my daughter’s boyfriend had to go to the ER for a twisted ankle. I assured her that her beloved was to be a.o.k  and then it came out. “Yeah, like the time you went in for the lung biopsy and they collapsed your lung! Things happen to people Mom, things happen and they are not o.k.“

I’m going  out on a limb here and give you a fat cliche. “It made our family stronger.“  Actually let me rephrase. Cancer didn’t make us stronger - the way we chose to support each other made us stronger.  My kids and my husband got to see me in a different light. It gave me the chance to be vulnerable and them a chance to step up to the plate. I cried in front of them - I let my daughter stay in the hospital with me because she needed to. It was her way of dealing with the crisis. They had the chance to see me as a person and not just someone  nagging about homework and curfews. Did they grow up faster because of it? Yes. But is that a bad thing? Isn’t it better for our kids to learn that life happens - it’s how you choose to deal with it that makes the difference?

Teen #2 came home from school the other day and told me about a girl who was very troubled, using drugs  etc. and said “ I think she has a bad home life.“ That’s when Teen #1 stepped in to remind him “We had a bad home life for awhile too Brandon.  When mom was sick we could have starting messing up- but we didn’t.  It’s choice.  She has the choice.”

It was a choice to share my experience with my family. I could have kept it all to myself pretending to be strong and shelter them from life, but in doing so I would have robbed them from their experience. This is an excerpt my daughter wrote for her a scholarship essay:

 It’s an indescribable pain to watch your mother cry because she can’t breathe. It’s even worse when there isn’t a single thing to do to help her. Ultimately, I was just mad. Mad at the doctors, at the nurses, at the cruelty of the universe in general. But with all my anger came a renewal of the way I saw my mother. She was so strong and she had so much patience and clarity. That night, I saw her not only as my mother; I saw her as a wife, as a “Tough Girl,” and as a woman who, despite all of the terrible things she was enduring, was able to still have love in her heart for her daughter. My admiration for her grew in ways I wouldn’t even be able to describe. And after that night we spent in the hospital, she also became more than just my mom. 

I felt so sad reading this - knowing she was hurting so bad inside . And in the next breathe, I was so grateful I let her see ‘me'.  I realized my experience made her a better person and yes, we are ‘stronger’.   

Angella Hamilton

Founder of Inner Tough Girls
http://www.ourlifeaftercancer.org