Decisions, Decisions

Another guest blogger

this blog took me ages 2 write down.. i was already thinkin a few weeks ago that i should finally write a new one again but i just didnt found the right words. but finally, finally i found a really good reason n the right words as well...

like some of u may know have i been in a emotional desaster lately.. i've been through a lot of ups n downs and i honestly have 2 say that it wasnt that easy 2 handle like it seemed.. first i was much more than happy that i was finally done with all this cancer crap.. got some good news that i was almost done with chemo.. i mean 2 more chemos 2 go isnt that bad.. so last monday i started chemo again.. i wa supposed 2 stay in hopital for 4 days this time.. i know what u might think now.. "well doesnt sound that much this time so it cant b that bad.." but peeps u have 2 know that the more shorter it was this time the more harder have been my chemodrugs.. it was really pushin me down this time but somehow i always found a way back up after everydays at least 8 hour session..

side effects like nausea hit me up really bad.. tuesday night i thought i would die.. i didnt even sleep cuz i needed 2 throw up nearly every 30 minutes.. after the 15th time throwin up i simply stoped counting.. my stomach started hurting really bad n one time again my heart become really weak.. maybe the second reason why i couldnt sleep.. i really think that its another reason cuz i was simply scared that i would almost pass away again, like i almost did 3 times before as i got my monstersession how i call them.. i've absolutly no clue why my heart isnt able 2 take all the drugs wich suddenly should help me 2 get better even if i have 2 go through hell before.. anyways that wasnt the only thing wich got more and more worse 4 me in the last week...
it also got more hard 4 me 2 breathe.. first i thought "that isnt that bad christina, maybe u r just exhausted from fighting.." well truely understandable that i thought that first cuz i really have been through hell over and over again the last weeks and month.. but my docs have become really worried and so they did some tests ( x-rays, bloodtests, CTscans n all that stuff ) i felt really uncomfortable cuz i didnt know what they thought it would be.. i just could read in their faces that it couldnt be something good.. i was so worried.. and i was allowed 2 be worried cuz of that.. well they did the test on wednesday n i got the results of that on friday.. they told me that my lung got attact with another sarcoma.. i truely dont wanted believe what ive just been told n so i asked if they r kidding me.. but sadly they havent been kidding me :S they said that they r goin 2 add 4 more chemos and that it might be fixed then.. i thought fine.. doesnt sound that bad.. 4 more chemos thats nearly nothing after everything i already faced in the past and so i was just happy that it wasnt "that bad" ...

cuz they had some trouble in the laboratoy i couldnt get the results of me blood test on friday.. and so i got them yesterday.. i went to my doc really happy cuz i thought everythign is goin on well.. drugs r workin n i was suppsed 2 go home.. but i've learned that u shouldnt be to optimisic when u r about 2 get the results of ur bloodtest -.-'
as soon i went into the room i formally could feel that somthing isn't right.. there was just something in the air.. so i sat down n asked the doc "whats wrong?? why r u looking so upset??" the room was filled with silence.. after arround 2 min ( wich seemed like 2 ages to me ) he finally looked up to me n started telling me that my medicatons stoped working for a reason they didnt found out until now.. ( u need 2 know that it was already the second time where they stoped working n we already changed them a couple of weeks ago ) i got a lumb in my throat, my eyes were filled with tears but i tried 2 hold them back as good as i could in that situatioin, i didnt know what 2 say i was just shocked that it happend again... then he continued telling me that they wouldnt have any idea what to do next and so they faced me with the hardest decision a human is ever able 2 be faced with...
i've been told that i would have 2 opportunities.. number 1 would be: stop the treatment and gettin rid of all the suffering and being able 2 enjoy the last 6 month i would have untill i'm gone... number 2 would be: continue the treatment getting much more chemo and another round of different drugs wich they are normally not usin for leukemia patients cuz its a really rough medication.. wich still doesnt mean that i'll make it though.... so i've been faced with dying happy within 6 month or dyin full of pain and even more suffering within 2 years... i've been so shocked that i couldnt say the tiniest word anymore.. my eyes started burnin cuz there were already overfilled with tears.. i just wanted 2 get outta the room.. so i just got up n went out.. my doc asked me what i wanna do n i just said i need a bit time 2 think about everything..
and well here i am now.. sitting alone at home cuddling my doc n asking god if its fair or not.. well i really dont have any idea what 2 do.. cuz a 21 year old woman shouldnt worry about how long she will b on earth, she shouldnt have 2 pick #1 or #2 (doesnt matter wich # i'm goin 2 pick cuz my life will totally change again) its not the right time for a 21 year old 2 worry about stuff like that!! normally i should worry about whom i'm goin 2 date or what i'm goin 2 wear or how i'm goin 2 do my hair but not about how long she wanna stay n wich way might be the right way.. i'm sitting here in tears right now cuz i just wanna wake up outta this nightmare.. dont know but somehow its like a slap right into my face cuz it's like i've been fightin so long for nothing.. it seems like it have been a waste of time... just the fact that i'm goin 2 die doesnt matter wich option i'm goin 2 take is truely killin me.. there's so much stuff popin up in my head.. so many what if questions but most of all i'm worryin what others r thinkin about the decision i'm goin 2 take.. i´m scared that they r goin 2 blame me for "givin up", scared that i´m goin 2 break so much hearts out there, scared that i'm goin 2 lose more loved ones and friends like i already did at the beginnin of this journey...
on the one hand i really wanna fight until the bitter end but on the other hand i dont want 2 suffer that much anymore... its just a freakishly weird feeling wich is overcomin me since a couple of hours... and the fact that i'm facin a decision like that alone without any support of my family doesnt really make it easier.. cuz this is exactly one of those moments where u just wanna have ur mom around.. but i know that that will never happen cuz she just doesnt care..

anyways i just hope that i'm goin 2 take the right decision.. cuz like i already said i dont wanna dissapoint someone with the decision i'm goin 2 choose.....
decision over decision n it seems like there wont be an end so far...

"when i would have 3 wishes, the the only one would be NO MORE CANCER!!!!!" - by my own

about the blogger:
christina is a 21 year old cancer fighter who got diagnosed with ALL leukemia in december 2009. she's fighting the fight of her life all by her own without any support of her family or friends...
u can follow her journey here : http://justchristinah.jimdo.com/
http://just-christinah.livejournal.com/
http://twitter.com/justchristinah

Battling your demons

This blog entry has been a long time coming.  I have been depressed.  I didn't really realize it until just recently when I talked to my doctor.  It may come as a shock to a lot of people, as I hid it very well.  

Looking back I think it has been at least since December since the depression started to affect me.  I used to be a gym rat, but I haven't really been to the gym in a long time.  Oh sure I can make excuses like I was tired or work, but I face the fact that it was depression.

My doctor asked me if my depression was so bad I couldn't get out of bed, I laughed to myself, thinking, well I wouldn't have a job if I couldn't get out of bed now would I?  I still have my sense of humor.

I would do just enough to skate by at work too.  You are probably thinking, uh you work at a radio station, you don't have the missile launch codes or anything like that how can you just skate by?

Well I would do just enough.  On the outside to everyone else I looked happy and fine, in my head I was freaking out over everything, everything would make me upset.  You name it, it would probably upset me.

Cancer is easy for me to understand.  Cells reproduce into a tumor. Take out the tumor, no cancer.  In the simplest of terms right?

Depression, as described by dictionary.com is:

sadness; gloom; dejection,  a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason

That explains it, that is how I felt.  Its not something you can just "get over"  Believe me I tried.  I had hoped it was just some passing thing.  That the chemicals in my brain would be jacked just enough to make me upset and sad. 

I tried to read about it Serotonin-norepinephrine are the chemicals in the brain, but blah blah medical terminology, I got distracted.  

People have said to me when I tell them I have been depressed, well its no wonder you have been through a lot.  Yeah but I should be able to handle this shouldn't I?  After all its been over a year since I have been done with treatment.  I shouldn't be feeling this way.  At least that is what I would tell myself, fighting my own sad or angry thoughts, trying to make them stop.  I survived cancer, and the treatment and now some chemicals in my head aren't reacting properly.

I was taking one pill (effexor) once a day to deal with my depression (as I said before in other blogs, I have a hard time asking for help) 

I met with my doc for a routine appointment and she was concerned about my mood.  Even that pissed me off a little (that should have told me something I thought to myself what do I have to be a happy freaking monkey all the time?)

The final straw that made me realize I needed help was when I thought someone unfriended me on facebook.  I started to cry.  I was at work and doing a live airshift.  I texted a mutual friend of mine and we chatted about it.  Turns out our friend's facebook page was hacked and she had to turn it off.

The next day I called the doctor and asked if I could take effexor twice a day.  It has made a world of difference.  

The moral of my story:  Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need to.  Your doctor, your priest, a therapist, whomever.  You are not in this fight alone.  At times it may feel like it is just you against the world, but that is not the case.  

Trust me, I know.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my show The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on Itunes

Emotional Rollercoaster

Another Guest Blog.  Enjoy

So today has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster...for the first time in a long time! I decided last night that I was going to move my blog over to blogger.com. In the process I decided that I was going to read all of my previous posts, and kind of look at how I had changed from the beginning of treatment to the end.



So with that said I realized one thing...that I always acted like there was nothing really wrong, like nothing could get me down, and that cancer was not a big deal.


Chemotherapy kicked my ass, I want to get that out there right now. I acted like it was no big deal, and that is the actual attitude I had because if I let it get to me then I would have never made it through it all as well as I did. While reading my blog I took a step back and tried to pretend that I was just some other person reading my blog. It was a strange experience because there were some things that I read where I thought that I should be more open about what I was really feeling, and then there were others where I read it and thought to myself that I should have not said what I said. Though I guess I would not be who I am if I hadn't just typed what I was thinking like I did.


I have to say for any person that is going through chemo or radiation, or treatment for any illness or disease...write a blog, it has proven to be very therapeutic in my case. Now that I am reading through it I mean I am realizing that there are a lot of underlying tones and themes to some of the things I said that I never notice before. Which I won't go into, I will let you read them for yourself!


Anyway, back to how it made me feel today. It made me really feel like a survivor! The complications I had, the way I felt during treatment, and the people I met and the things that I went through with them all. I have never felt more like a survivor in my life. I mean going through all of the cancer treatments I also had my other previous issues like having heart disease, a pacemaker, and having cancer before. Cancer really took the front position though, I mean it was during all of this that I decided I wanted to start an organization to raise awareness about cancer, and during this was when I realized that I wanted to write a book on my life starting with my cancer and the retouching on all my other life experiences.



As much as I hate to say this, I hate to admit that cancer has changed me for the better. I would love to say that I changed myself for the better, but it was really a damn disease that changed me as a person. Though I guess that tough situations end up being the things that changed people for the better or worse, and luckily mine changed me for the better.


It also changed the way I wear my hair haha! Before I was all for growing my hair out, but now that I have gone through the process of losing my hair and my beard, I decided that I should keep shaving my head (though I haven't cut it in 2 or 3 weeks now). Soon I will start shaving my head again, but my beard shall stay. Always appreciate your hair whether you have a lot or a little, because once you lose it you will never be the same!


This is all for now my friends!


Until next time,



-The Tech
 
About the author:
Hey readers, my name is Andrew Gemmell, and I am a 24 year old heart disease, stroke, and two time cancer survivor! I have been in and out of the hospital my whole life for mostly cardiac surgeries and procedures like pacemaker implants! Though more recently I have been having my latest life battles with cancer. On March 26th 2008 I was diagnosed the first time with a Stage 1 Testicular Seminoma and simply had to have surgery to remove the mass. No other treatment was needed at the time, but on October 16th, 2009 I was diagnosed with cancer for the second time. This time the doctors found a Stage 3 Seminoma on my Para-Aortic Lymph Node in my abdomen. So the doctors put me through chemo and of course I barreled through it and came out healthy and with a much better attitude than I have ever had. Now that it is all over I am starting an organization and campaign called "Protect Your Pair" in which I want to raise awareness and offer support to cancer survivors and their families! Like I said, my attitude now is much better than ever before, and I am ready to fight with everyone that has been affected by cancer to try and make things better!
 
To contact Andrew: drew@protectyourpair.org

Lessons Learned

 

I am done with treatment, well for the most part.  I take a pill everyday, not so bad compared to the chemo I took for 5 months.   

 

I have met many great people online, and through my podcast, many survivors who are going thru the same type of treatment I did.  I wish I had known about facebook and twitter during my treatment.  I think I would have had an easier time with it.  Yes I did have a positive mental attitude, but some days it was hard to keep that up.  It is hard when you are in the thick of it, that anyone could possibly feel as low or as tired or as shitty as you do.  Trying to explain it to someone who hasn't been there like a caregiver or friend or loved one seems ridiculous "They don't have cancer, how the fuck are they going to know how I feel??!!!"

Talking about it or being upset or bringing it up would just make me feel like my friends were thinking  "God there's cancer girl upset again."  As crazy as that sounds that is what I would think.  I know that was not the case, but in the moment, that is what I felt.

Now I see a friend of mine,  who I met on facebook, start herceptin.  She was nervous about it because of all of the side effects she had.  She had a rougher go of it then I did, she seemed to have a lot more side effects than me.  I kind of feel a little guilty, yes survivors guilt, that she has had more side effects than me.  I wish I could take those side effects away from her, so she could have more energy to spend time with her kids.  

We were talking about people calling us inspirational, as survivors we have heard these words tossed about.  Inspirational, brave. 

I don't see these words relating to me at all. 

I was told I had cancer

I was told what my options were

I wanted to live

Did I have a choice?  I guess I did.  I could have not fought cancer. That isn't my style.  I enjoy a good debate.  Hell, sometimes I will argue just to argue.  I wont back down from a fight.  

Inspirational???

Brave????

Nope.  Just me...

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand and on itunes.

The Schedule

I take a lot of pills, not as many as I used to when I was going through treatment, but still, more than most. Most of them are vitamins, a full multi vitamin, b complex vitamin, vitamin b-6, vitamin d (keeps me from being tired not enough sun in Northern Michigan apparently for most) etc, some are prescribed, like the anti anxiety pill I take, got those from my doc when I was told my course of treatment. I remember thinking how the fuck am I going to get through all this shit? I called my doc and I remember it like it was yesterday, told her I thought I needed some anti anxiety, sounded like she was eating lunch, she was very calm, I think I felt like I was about to jump out of my skin. I recall telling her what I was going to have to do 4 rounds of adrymicin/cytoxan, 12 rounds of taxol, with herceptin, then herceptin for the rest of the year. Yeah, I can see why you would be anxious is what she said or something like it. I remember babbling something like yeah I don't take meds so you should give me the lowest dose possible. I can just imagine what my chart notes look like for that day.

I also take synthroid for hypothyroidism. That pill starts my day. Have to take it on an empty stomach. Then I wait a half hour to an hour to eat. Wonder why that is. Don't know. I should ask my doc next month, going to an appointment for a med check.

I take tamoxifen, a cancer fighting pill. I take that until 2013. Can't wait to be done with that one, once that is done I will be officially done with treatment. That will be a sweet day. Yeah you are thinking it is just a pill, not as bad as chemo or radiation, but still, it is treating my cancer. It is another reminder, and the hot flashes totally suck, but as far as side effects go, they are not too bad.

The other pill I take is an anti depressant. I have to take that with dinner. I took it once without food, ugh. Ever have food poisoning? That was what it was like, and I was house sitting. that was great. Being in an unfamilar environment totally nauseous. I should have started the anti depressant earlier than I did. I have been pretty positive throughout treatment and survivorship, but I realize that I cannot do it alone, that is why I asked my doc for the anti depressant. That was probably one of the hardest things I did. I wasn't feeling like myself and I knew I was in a bad place and I didn't want to keep going down that road.

Then after a while I tried to get off the anti depressants, with doctors approval of course.

That was a mistake.

Anti depressants are hard to get off of, bad withdrawal effects. Not good if you are in radio. I recall calling the docs office talked to the office manager Carla or Nurse Debbie. Yah I think I am going to stay on the meds. I feel like I am either going to start crying or punch someone in the face. She asked me if I wanted to talk to the doctor. I said no. Just put it in my chart. Why? I thought, so she could tell me that was a good idea? I can be a pain in the ass sometimes.


I follow my schedule regularly. Tonight I will take my vitamins and anti anxiety before bed, anti anxiety will help me sleep.

Tomorrow I wake up and take my synthroid, and start the schedule all over again.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com podcast of the show is also available

Check out my show The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on itunes

On the fence

Today I found out a friend of mine has cancer.  He has been keeping it a secret for some time.  I don't see him that much and all he said was that he was going in for some minor surgery. He didn't tell me, I heard it from a mutual friend.

It reminded me of when I was diagnosed.  I wanted to keep it a secret at first, it was so hard to believe that it could happen to me.  I had two jobs at the time so I told one boss, then the other, then most of my co~workers.  Telling the story over and over again was so hard at the beginning. I actually told one of my supervisors to tell the other employees at my job.  I couldn't keep telling the story over and over again.  It was right after diagnosis, before any treatments or surgeries, and it was like cutting open a fresh wound every time I would say I have cancer.

I know my friend wants his privacy.  I know its hard when its fresh and new.  You never think it could happen to you.  My friend is active, works out, and it is a total shock when you are diagnosed, when you hear those words.

I want to go to my  friend and give him a hug, tell him I am here for him. Give him support and tell him I am here for him and introduce him to the cancer community that I am a part of.


But he hasn't told me.

I will respect his wishes and wait until he tells me.

I am used to being on his side of the fence.  Being the fighter, ready for battle, taking on cancer, dealing with all the shit that comes with it.  Not being on the other side of the fence.

Being on either side of the fence sucks.

Mel is the producer/co~host of  The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday~Friday 10am~Noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast available on demand now on Empoweradio.com.  Also available on Itunes

Light of Day

I post on several other cancer survivors facebook pages, some are finishing up treatment, some are just starting.  It always makes me reflect upon my own battle.  I know I have written about this before, but a few friends of mine are just finishing chemo and radiation.

One of my friends (chemobabe) likened treatment to a pit, a giant chasm, that is difficult to traverse, that when you are in it, it is hard to see the light of day.That is a great analogy. When you are going through chemo or surgery or radiation it is hard, and it is hard to even see the light of day.  It seems like it is a tiny spec of light in a giant dark pit.  When you are surrounded by the darkness it is hard to even imagine you will see that light, that you will ever be done, let alone get close to it, but day by day you get closer and closer, maybe an inch here or there every day. 

Many of my new friends on Facebook are just starting, and they are hoping to see the light of day.  I have to tell you this.  When you are in the chasm it seems like you will never get out.

I know that feeling.

That was 2 years ago.  Now I can barely remember what it was like.  Only when I read other survivors comments does it take me back to those moments.  I am glad it is a fading distant memory.

Leaving you with lyrics from Bruce Springsteen's "Light of Day"

Well I'm a little down under, but I'm feeling O.K.
I got a little lost along the way

Just around the corner to the light of day.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday~Friday 10-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on itunes. 

Steve Jobs Of Apple Had Cancer Last Year

Another guest blog.  Enjoy 

Apple CEO Steve Jobs is one of the most well known business personalities in recent times. Very few know, however, that he is a cancer patient.

Steve was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2004. Called islet cell neuroendocrine tumor, this is a rare form of pancreatic cancer, which required Jobs to have a tumor removed from his pancreas. The process is called pancreaticoduodenectomy (or "Whipple procedure"), and it appeared that the tumor had been successfully removed. He was not required to have chemo or radiation.

Late in 2008, Bloomberg mistakenly published an obituary of Steve Jobs, with date and cause of death left blank. Though this was quickly corrected, this fueled intense speculation about his health. Then, in January, 2009, Jobs took a 6 month leave from work “on health concerns.” While he continued to implicitly deny questions about cancer, it has been known that he underwent a liver replacement surgery in April, 2009 in Memphis, TN. 

Ordinarily, a liver replacement requires patients to be on a waitlist until a donor is found. But Jobs’ private jet enabled him to get on two waitlists simultaneously, and he chose Memphis. Over 6000 liver transplants are performed in the US every year, but region 11 of the United Network for Organ Sharing, to which Memphis belongs, has a relatively shorter waiting period. 

A liver transplant operation is a lengthy process. It can take anywhere from between 5-6 hours to more than 10 hours in cases of complications. The transplant requires a large incision in the stomach (upper abdomen). The liver is removed after cutting a number of ligaments that hold it in place, as well as several ducts, arteries and veins.

While a new liver is being procured from a recently deceased donor, the blood from the liver is replaced with a very cold liquid. The new liver has to be placed in the empty liver cavity and tied to the severed ligaments, ducts and blood vessels. To prevent the body from rejecting the foreign organ, patients are often required to take immunosuppressive drugs throughout their lives.

The surgery is followed by a lengthy recovery process, but the survival rate is pretty high. Survival rate of 5 plus years is over 90 percent at good facilities. 

In Steve Jobs’  case, recovery was said to have been splendid. He was said to have completely recouped from the procedure. Medical experts say that if Jobs did this procedure, it means that even if his cancer had spread to the liver, it did not metastasize any further. That is because most hospitals will not perform a liver transplant on you if your cancer had already spread beyond the liver. 

Apple is perhaps one of the most widely known and generally liked companies of today. It has been led by Steve Jobs’ innovation and smart business sense. It is sad that somebody like Jobs has had to go through this at the pretty early age of 50. But, perhaps, even something as evil as cancer can produce some good results, probably in the form of a research endorsement from Jobs to discover better treatments for liver cancer.

About the guest blogger:


We've got everything you need to know about arthritis. But if there is a question unanswered, send us an email and we will answer your question to the best of our knowledge, or at least will give you the resources to help you reach your goal. We are a group of caregivers whose family members are suffering from arthritis. This condition is a very common disease and has caused much distress to their victims. Nearly 1 in 5 adults have some form of arthritis. That's 46 million Americans affected. Americans age 65 and over are most likely at risk, but two-thirds of the cases are under 65. Women are more at risk than men. Please help us spread the word for prevention.


matthewr.chan@yahoo.com

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show 10am-Noon Monday-Friday eastern standard time.  Listen live on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior available on demand now on Empoweradio.com

SNOWGLOBE

Having cancer is like living in a snowglobe.  Everything is going along fine and then suddenly everything gets shaken up. When I mean everything I mean EVERYTHING life,love,jobs,family,friendships,money,emotions, vanity,anger, happiness,depression, pretty much anything you can imagine in your life gets all mixed together in one giant shaking of the globe.

What reminded me of this was when I was at work and was watching it snow outside (don't tell the boss that I wasn't paying attention to the game for a few minutes) the big flakes falling slowly to the ground.  How beautiful, how ironic.  Ironic that I would pick something that is usually a souvenir of a vacation, or in one good friend of mines case, something silly, I would try to find the most ridiculous snowglobe I could, usually something from the 99 cent store would suffice.  Something you would look at to remind you of the good times.

But not the cancer snowglobe. By the time you realize everything has been shaken up you have no idea where you are, whats going on or what to  do.  That is what cancer can do to you.  I am still feeling like my snowglobe is still being shaken.  Trying to deal with survivorship, figuring out how to pay the mounting medical bills, (oh I was excited to see I actually got a bill in the mail I could afford. Never thought I would be happy to see a bill) work, having this damn cold, of which the fatigue level reminds me of cancer fatigue, cancer advocacy, trying to find time to see Doug, see friends, you get it.  

When you shake a snowglobe nothing is in the same place as it was before.  That is how I feel sometimes.  I still struggle with survivorship, with life after cancer, with the new normal.  None of this I had asked for.  A little over a year of fierce snowglobe shaking during treatment, now just a quick shake here~ here is a doctor bill you weren't expecting, and there~wait you want to take a trip somewhere?  Think again, all your money goes to crazy foolish things like rent and food and bills. Shake, shake shake.

Next time I go on vacation, I will skip buying a snowglobe and get myself a T shirt.

Mel is the producer/co-host of the Vic McCarty Show Monday-Friday 10am-Noon eastern standard time.  Listen live wmktthetalkstation.com

 Check out my podcast available on demand now and also available on Itunes.

Deja-Vu all over again....

Definition of Deja-Vu by Free Dictionary.com

Noun- The experience of thinking that a new situation had occurred before

an experience that causes you to remember something

I recently found out a survivor friend of mine had a new cancer.  Not a recurrance, but a brand new cancer.  The drugs they give you to get rid of the cancer that you have can cause more cancer, and even different cancers.  Pretty ironic.  That is one scary part about cancer.  You can feel totally fine and it can sneak up on you.

I had an ultrasound the other day.  A pelvic ultrasound.  Normally these tests don't worry me, but for some reason this one really got in my head, don't ask me why.  Maybe it was just the culmination of stress from everyday  life that manifested itself into this one test.

 I am used to tests, it gets to be kind of routine, part of your daily life, unfortunately.  I am always interested in watching the screen when I get a scan.  Not like I have a damn clue of what I am looking at now, white with a lot of dark spots, looks like the fucking moon, ok is that good or bad?  Tech doesn't say, can't say, not allowed to.  (Remember I have already gotten one tech in trouble so my chart is probably flagged like Elaine's chart was in Seinfeld, labeled a trouble maker)

I remember looking down at the shirt I was wearing. Life is Good.  God it would be so ironic if this was the day they scanned me and I had more cancer.

So the test was on Thursday.  Wait for the results.  Over the weekend, oh yeah a holiday weekend.  72 hours to have all sorts of  thoughts run through my head, none of them helpful to me or my health.  Just breathe, it will be ok, I am thinking, what if that black spot is a tumor, what if cancer is back? How do the techs and radiologist tell what all that stuff is?  It looks like a picture of the moon to me. Shit, I want to have a good weekend, but I couldn't get it out of my head.  I am my own worst enemy.  Try to be happy, not think about it.  I can't always be happy.  Thinking about the possibility about having another cancer doesn't leave you with the sunshine and puppies feeling. The whole 3 day weekend goes by and its Tuesday.

Call the doc, leave a message.

No response.

The universe has its own timetable.  As much as I would hope that my pelvic ultrasound of what looks like the sea of tranquility will be read by the radiologist before anyone elses I know that is most likely not the case.

I think to myself, don't they know how stressed out I am about this?  How could they honestly?  I try to avoid the doctor as much as I can.  Not that I am not grateful for what they have done for me, but the less I see them the better I feel.  As a patient I am proactive, but I also realize that sometimes I am a pain in the ass. (first step to recovery is admitting your problem)

Wednesday.  Call the docs office, instead of going to voicemail I get the office manager Carla, tell her I would like the results of my test if they have them that would be great because, as I have written before, I am not a patient patient, I hate waiting, despise it I hate being late to things, even by a few minutes.  I believe it is some kind of ocd with me. Carla puts me on hold.  The doctor picks up the line.  No masses, good I think to myself, I really shouldn't look at ultrasounds again, looks like the moon, might see Neil Armstrong on there.

But...

There is always a but.

Since the one of the drugs I take stops my period, a side effect I was happy to have, the endometrius builds up, that is basically the blood that you would have shed if you had a period.  That is normal.  No period.  Stuff stays somewhere.  They want to biopsy it just to make sure.  Tamoxifen can cause endometrial cancer.  Anti cancer drugs that cause cancer.  Still want to pick and choose my side effects.  So she explains to me about what all is involved in an endometrial biopsy.  It is pretty much like a pap test only they take a part of the endometrius.

So why is it deja-vu all over again.  I think back to my friend, the breast cancer survivor.  I just saw her in October at a cancer society fundraiser. Three short months ago. She looked great.  Now she has a new different cancer.

Monday I have my biopsy.

Then once again.  I wait.

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast available on demand on Empoweradio.com and also available on itunes.

The Return

Most people don't understand why I play hockey.  It is mostly a guys sport. When I tell people I play they just give me "that look"  you know the one, oh right YOU play hockey, you must get in a lot of fights on the ice.  I never have, actually I am rather mellow, besides, we all have to work the next morning so..

I got started playing hockey because of a vendor of mine in Los Angeles.  He gave me free tickets to see the Kings play at Staples Center.  I was immediately hooked.  I was looking to get in shape and I figured if I learned how to skate and bought all the equipment I would have no choice but to play.  Hockey is an expensive sport. 

I started playing co-ed hockey in Burbank, CA.  Burbank Bruins.  There were two other girls on the team.While we had fun, our team was in last place.  Did I mention the other two girls just started playing too?  I had so much fun.  I still have the puck from my first goal I scored.  Somehow I ended up on my ass perpendicular to the goal.  I looked over and it just barely crossed the line.  I was stoked.  We lost the game, but I still remember that moment.

Cancer took a lot from me.  Playing hockey today gave me some of that back.

I am tired, I am sore, my muscles ache.  But I haven't felt this good in a long time

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show Monday~Friday 10am-Noon eastern standard time.  Listen live on wmktthetalkstation.com.

Check out my podcast on Empoweradio.com available on demand now

Goodbye Old Friend....

Peripheral neuropathy.

Defined by dictionary.com as Function: noun : a disease or degenerative state (as polyneuropathy) of the peripheral nerves in which motor, sensory, or vasomotornerve fibers may be affected and which is marked by muscle weakness and atrophy, pain, and numbness

You know what it feels like when your foot falls asleep?  Well imagine that intensified. Lucky me my friendship with neuropathy began after chemo ended.  I know I have written about it before, but really? After I am done with the toxic chemicals being injected into me I get a side effect.  Great. Thanks for that. A little bonus I wasn't expecting.

I started chemo on November 12th 2007 and finished up with (herceptin) treatment on December 29, 2008. I finished my chemo some time in April of 2008, I have the exact date in an old cell phone of mine,( have to get those milestone dates out of that phone before it gets tossed) My neuropathy started soon after that.

April 2008, and it just ended.  Or at least I hope.  I haven't had it in a couple of weeks.  So I guess it is gone.

December 2009~so that means my neuropathy, that tingling annoying pain sock, which was so painful at first that it was almost too much to bear, that tingling I got used to having, when I went to bed at night it would, if I was on my feet for a long period of time, would crawl up my leg up to my knee like spider creeping up its web, that after a while it was more of a nuisance that anything else, lasted longer than my treatment.  Longer than all of my treatments combined, including surgery, chemo, herceptin, and radiation. 

My treatment lasted 14 months.  My neuropathy lasted 20.

I almost don't want to post this blog, as if posting it will make it come back.

Ha ha but I am posting it anyway {gulp}

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time.  Listen live on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com

The Chart

I have been talking to a lot of survivors for my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  It has made me think of a lot of things that have happened to me.  I remember when I was diagnosed I actually thought to myself  "Well they must have someone else's chart."  Yeah right.  I live in a town of about 8 thousand people. My last name is Majoros.  I am the only Majoros in the phone book.  Pretty sure it was my diagnosis, unfortunately. I recall being really pissed at my doctor for not telling me what kind of breast cancer I had (the ultrasound tech told me  which I guess is a real no-no) at that time my chart was only a couple of pages. She showed me that she didn't have the info, flipping between the 5 pages in my chart.  Now its the size of a small book, the Gutenberg Bible of me.  Whenever I go to the doctor I look at my chart and wish it was much smaller, and that chart is only for 2 years. 

I was talking to another breast cancer survivor about her treatment, which was similar to mine, and we were discussing our side effects and medications.  Its kind of funny to think about it like we were discussing parts of a recipe, ok if you add zofran to your benadryl whisk lightly with herceptin, sleep for an hour, then repeat every three weeks you will feel better!!  We talked about hair loss, which I am still in awe of people who will go out in public with a bald head.  Those who know me know I am not that shy, but when it came to that I was.

We were talking about how taboo it used to be to even say the word cancer, it was spoken of in hushed tones.  Like you would say the whole sentence, then whisper the word cancer, as if to even speak it would bring it out like Beetlejuice.

Now many of my survivor friends shout it from the rooftops, well the modern version of it anyway, with blogs and podcasts and facebook posts and tweets.  We know what its like.  We want everyone to know about it.  We don't want anyone else to get it.  I personally don't want to welcome another person to the club no one wants to join.


Someone I respect called me a brave woman.  I still don't understand why.  I was told I had cancer.  I am kind of stubborn,  I don't back down from a fight.  If you play hockey against you know it doesn't matter if you are five foot six or six foot five, if you have the puck, and I want it I will go after it, I may not get it the first time, but dammit you will see me, you will hear me and you will remember me.


Mel is the producer/cohost of The Vic McCarty Show Monday -Friday 10am-noon eastern time.  Listen live on wmktthetalkstation.com 

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio. Available on demand now.

Ponytail

Its not a picture of my ponytail, mine isn't as long....yet. 

Most cancer survivors remember dates very well, date of diagnosis, surgery dates, chemo dates, dates our lives changed forever and when we had to adjust to this new normal we call survivorship.  One date that is difficult for me to forget is Nov 28.  Not only is it my Mom's birthday, it is also the date I had my head shaved, because the Adryamicin/Cytoxan made my hair fall out. I still remember Sandy the nurse telling me I should get my head shaved because my hair would fall out in 2 weeks.  Haha I remember thinking I could beat the odds of 99.99% of the chance of losing my hair.  Good one.

Two weeks to the day of my first chemo, which was Nov 12, 2007 my hair started falling out.  Nothing like taking a nice hot shower in the winter and having your long dark lockes of hair come out in clumps in the shower.  A few days later I went in after hours to my salon La Dolce Vita in Petoskey and had my stylist Val shave my head.  Doug, my fiance and my neighbor Stacey came along with me for moral support.  I thought about having more people there, kind of a head shaving party, but it was hard enough to keep it together when my hair was falling out.  My only regret of that night is that I didn't take pictures of the whole process. I think it would have made the long winter months without my hair and the little peach fuzz on my head more bearable.

I am not a vain person, as I have written before.  I rarely, if ever wear makeup.  Unless its a special occasion you will normally find me in shirts of sports teams, cancer organizations, bands or the like.  Hair I think, as breasts do, define you as a woman in society.  Not having any was really difficult.  Glad I went through treatment during the winter time, so I didn't have to explain myself why I was bald.

Being bald, chemo and all that seems like so long ago, a mere two years. Just a drop in the bucket of time.  I have actually had several haircuts and gotten my hair colored.

Now my hair is just long enough to put in a ponytail.

Life is pretty sweet isn't it?

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-Noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now

Save the Tatas

 

I don't recall how I found out about the save the tatas company.  I know they were on The Vic McCarty show when I was going through treatment, and I liked their message. Yes cancer is serious business, being diagnosed and going to doctor visits and chemo and radiation for months at a time can take a toll on anyone.

That is why I like the Save the Tatas mission and message:

Laughter heals.  Of course.  I have blogged about my positive mental attitude and wicked sense of humor.  If I didn't have that I probably wouldn't have gotten through treatment.  Recently we had founder of Save the Tatas Julia Field Fikse on the Vic McCarty show.  She was telling us a story about her wearing the shirt below:

She told us this funny story about walking in Pasadena, CA and a car screeched right by her, and a guy yelled out of his car, I totally was!!!!  What a great story.  What a great message. I love the fact that they bring humor to breast cancer awareness. I am for anything that brings humor and a positive message to an important cause.

Its always surprising, when you are going through treatment, what will bring a smile to your face.  Save the Tatas did that and continues to do that for me now that i am post treatment and into survivorship.

One of my favorite products from Save the Tatas is Boob Lube.  Now I know what you are thinking and you can get your mind right out of the gutter.  It's the original breast check soap. It is a fun reminder for you to do your monthly breast self exams.

There are lots of companies out there that promote breast cancer awareness, but I haven't seen one as fun as Save the Tatas.

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty show. Listen live Monday-Friday eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com.

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now

What are you thankful for?

Thanksgiving. A day off of work for most.  A day to spend with family, watch football and eat, eat eat.

Every family has their own tradition.  Doug and I go out to eat with his Dad and Uncle at the Perry Hotel, they put on a fantastic buffet and it is well known in the area for its food.

As I was eating the turkey and roast beef tonight I couldn't help but think what I am thankful for.  When I was diagnosed two years ago I had to give up alot in order to stay well.  I had to stop working at the serving job I had, not only could I not lift any trays because of the operation I had, the doctors told me I couldn't be there because of my low white blood cell count.  Being around a lot of people who potentially had colds wouldn't be good for my health, white blood cells fight infection, and mine being low I probably would have gotten really sick, like cancer wasn't enough of being sick right?  Luckily, as they say here in Northern Michigan a view of the Bay is half your pay, so like most people I had two jobs.  I was still able to work at the radio station.

There was a lot of food I couldn't eat.  I was advised not to eat fresh veggies during treatment, because they may not be washed properly.  You never really realize what you enjoy until you aren't able to have it.  I thought I really would kill someone for a big salad!!!  Some food I couldn't eat just because it was too hard on me, like anything acidic.  Tell that to someone whose mom makes awesome italian food!!! Tomatoes were off the list for a while.  Funny that I can still talk about food after stuffing my face today at the buffet.

I still worked but I was basically a hermit for a year.  For someone like me, not really a social butterfly, but I like being out with people, going out, hanging with friends.  It was work, doctor visits, home,sleep, eat, sleep, repeat.  Thank goodness that is over with.

I recently got the all clear from my oncologist.  Blood tests look good, mammography was normal.  See you in six months he said.  Got the same news from the radiologist, I don't need to see him until next year.  Hoping for a hat trick when I see my surgeon on Tuesday.

I am thankful for a lot of things, friends, family, all the people who have helped me through this, whether you realized it or not, thank you.

 

The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com

I have a tale to tell

Sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well

Lyrics from a Madonna song "Live to Tell" one of my favorite songs of hers.  Very appropriate I think as a cancer survivor.  It took a long time for me to tell my story.  Vic and I talked about telling my story on The Vic McCarty show, and I wanted to but I was afraid to, it was hard to open up after every thing I have been going through.  I wasn't used to talk about myself to anyone, let alone talk about a disease that scares the hell out of everyone.  Now  its hard to get me not to talk about it.

I have often written about how lucky I am.  I believe everyone can be in the right place at the right time.  Somehow I was in the right place at the right time and I am doing a podcast on Empoweradio.com.  I have only done three so far and I have learned alot from the people I have interviewed.

Everyone's cancer experience is different, meds treat people differently, side effects, psychological and physical effects.   Not everyone is comfortable sharing their story.  That is fine, I can understand that, there are still some aspects of my cancer experience that is too personal to share.

That is the great thing about my new show. I can find people to tell their tale, share their experience and help other survivors and cancer fighters who are going through similar situations. I have learned about perserverance, strength and courage from all of the guests I have had on the show.

 Their stories have helped me and I hope that they will help you as well.

Every survivor has a story.

What's yours?

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty show Monday-Friday 10am-Noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now.

This is in response to a New York Times article

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/03/health/03second.html?_r=3&scp=2&sq=mammograms&st=cse

(you may have to cut and paste this link to read)

Above is the link to the New York Times Article.  Above that is a mammography machine.  I have had about eight mammograms since I have been diagnosed with breast cancer at the ripe old age of 37, 3 years before  most women are recommended to get a mammogram at 40.  Now I am not a doctor, I have no medical background except the time I spent (over a year) going to the hospital for chemo treatments, radiation, doctor visits, blood tests, echocardiograms etc all relating to my cancer treatment.  This is my opinion, not fact.  I did not consult anyone in the cancer or medical field about this blog. The NY Times article made me angry.  Since I have had cancer I have written and spoken about the necessity of breast self exams and mammograms.  Now I don't know the background of the writer of the article, don't know if she has ever had a loved one or friend diagnosed with cancer of any kind, so I don't know if she knows the mental and physical toll it takes on a person going through treatment. I can't speak for her.  I can only speak for me.  In my opinion people 30 and above should get mammograms, and even earlier if there is a history in your family of it.  Anyone can get breast cancer.

When I read the paragraph from the article "Mammograms are no fun, to put it mildly. Like many women, I have been putting up with them in hopes that, if I get cancer, they might find it early enough to save my life and maybe help me avoid extensive surgery and chemotherapy Have I been kidding myself?"

Uh ok, putting up with them?  Really?  When I had my first mammogram the tech apologized about the pain it would cause when the machine would squish my breasts.  I laughed and told her well since she didn't create the machine its not her fault.

"Mammograms are no fun: " That is what the writer of the article says. I would take a few minutes, if that, of being uncomfortable, than the all the lovely baggage that comes along with a cancer diagnosis.

Let me tell you what, Denise Grady of the New York Times, cancer isn't fun either.

Talk to your doctor.  Do your breast self exams. In my opinion, get a mammogram.

Nothing is infallible, mammograms may not detect your cancer, but then again it might.

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my new show The Cancer Warrior available on demand now on Empoweradio.com 

http://tinyurl.com/yfxvk8p  

Opportunity Knocks

Cancer Sucks

 Yeah we all can agree on that.  It takes a toll.  A physical and mental toll on you, your friends your family, pretty much everyone that is close to you.  People don't know how to react around you when you have it, the whispers, the stares.  The treatment kills everything, even the good cells,the equivalent of  medical napalm.  It makes you tired. Radiation makes you tired, hell everything makes you tired.  After your course of treatment you hope to hear one word: Remission.

Everything happens for a reason.  Or so I am told. That is a hard pill to swallow when your hair falls out and you feel like shit from a treatment that is supposed to make you better.

But you know what, I have to say I believe it.

Cancer has taken some things, but has given me more than I care to admit.  I eat healthier than I probably would have if I didn't have it, I work out more, well, I am a bit of a gym rat lately, just getting back in to hockey playing shape, I enjoy my friends my family and well, life in general.

I love my job as co-host/producer/partner in crime on The Vic McCarty show, a job I got because of cancer.

Because of cancer I was able to jump in on a startup of an internet radio station: Empoweradio.com.  I produce shows, and now I host my own show The Cancer Warrior.  I have been pretty lucky lately, good things have been happening.  Do I attribute it to cancer?  I guess I have to.  Opportunity knocked and I answered the door.  Would I have heard the knock if cancer hadn't of come into my life like a tasmanian devil, leaving a path of mental and physical destruction in its wake, forcing me to either cower in a corner, which, if you know me, just isn't my style, or get up and fight the devil,  winning the fight some days, some days losing, but eventually winning the battle.

I have to say that I have had a great attitude during all of this, I think if we all picture cancer looking like this:

it would be a hell of a lot less scarier.


Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com 

Check out my new show The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand 

A little color can change your perspective

I am not much into fashion.  If you know me you know that, usually you will see me in jeans and a t-shirt, probably of a sports team (Red Wings, LA Kings, Red Sox, Tigers, U of M football, you get the drift) I have been thinking about what to post, since my last blog was a repost from when I was deep in treatment, so I thought I would write something new.

The picture above is from when I got my hair colored at Trillium Salon.  I was going to another salon in town, (god, from me that sounds so pretentious doesn't it?) but I met the owner Ruthi at a local event in June.  Ruthi is a cancer survivor like me.  She survived breast cancer and created a program called Beautiful Survivor at her salon.  Patients and survivors of any kind of cancer can come to Trillium and get manicures, pedicures, a massage hair cut and color & wigs, all free of charge. 

Cancer and chemo changes everything about you.  The way you look, the way you feel, everything.  Its not something you can explain to anyone who hasn't gone through it.  To the outsider, to your friends, you look the same, act the same, but you are not. You want to get back to some kind of normalcy, if that is at all possible, try to get back to the normalcy you had before.  Like your hair for example, like I said before, I am not much into fashion, you wont see me try out the latest 'do from Hollywood,  but losing your hair and having it grow back grey reminded me of what I went through every day.  Believe me I am grateful for my health and the fact that my cancer was caught early, and I am not vain at all, but my hair growing back in was a reminder of cancer, chemo, feeling fatigued, feeling crappy and all the things associated with cancer and the napalm that was injected into my veins to save my life. Thank goodness for Ruthi.  Not only did I get an awesome massage, I got my hair colored, which honestly, I didn't think would make a difference.  I felt and  looked alot like my old self.   My friends could tell the difference, my co workers could tell the difference, and my fiance could tell the difference.

Who would have thought that a little color could change your perspective?  Not me.  I guess I was wrong.