D'OUGH!!!

I still have side effects related to cancer.  Just another reminder of the cancer I had.

"Well you are cured now aren't you?"   Is something I hear often. Really? Last I checked there was no cure for any cancer.  No I am not cured.  I am in remission, in 2012 I will be considered cancer free, that will have been 5 years since diagnosis.  I am not cured.  The day there is a cure for my cancer, or any cancer for that matter I will be celebrating.

It seems that people assume that when you are done with cancer treatment you are done with cancer. 

That isn't always the case.  Side effects can linger for months even years after treatment. 

"Well you are done with treatment you are fine now aren't you?"

 

For the most part I would say yes.  But that is not always the case.

Those of us who have these side effects get used to them.  I have had side effects last longer than treatment.  My neuropathy for example lasted for 20 months, treatment for 14.  Every so often I feel a twinge in my foot.  

Hot flashes are another side effect I have.  I am not going through menopause, it is a side effect of tamoxifen, a cancer fighting drug I am taking until 2013.  I kind of wish I was going through menopause.  I never really wanted to have kids, as a matter of fact when the oncologist said the chemo might put me into early menopause I actually said  SWEET!   I am sure that was not the reaction my oncologist was expecting.

Trying to adjust to this "new normal" has been difficult.  Survivorship has been difficult. It takes a while to get back to how you felt before, or even close to how you felt.

Depression is a struggle for me.  Cancer makes sense to me, in a way, there is a tumor, you remove it, cancer's gone.  Depression, oh well its the serotonin and norepinephrine, in your brain, its a chemical imbalance, it might go away it might not.  Anti depressants work for me.  Its not something you can just "get over."  Some people have it, some people don't.  One of the list of the many side effects on the menu.  Still wishing I could have picked and choosed my side effects.

Because of cancer I am in debt, not as bad as some, worse than others.  Another reason for my depression. 

"Well there is nothing you can do about it so don't worry about it."  is what people tell me.  Ok those damn debt collectors who call expecting something, when I have nothing to give them.  Easier said than done.  When the blinking light on the answering machine reminds me that So and so called from some collection agency and they want their money.  "I want to give you your money I don't have it/"  "Can't you just make a small payment."   Wow what a great idea, I never thought about that.  I am actually being sued by a credit card company for 1400 dollars.   I owe the hospital ten times that amount, they aren't suing me.  

What's in your wallet?  

Uh not much....

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live Monday-Friday 10am-noon on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com  Available on demand now and on itunes

You get what you pay for, Part Two

Author's note:  This is just my recent experience with therapy.  I am not putting down any form of therapy or if you or your doctor feel it is necessary.  I am just relaying my experiences with one  therapist.

I thought that I would try group therapy.  Not the in person kind. I thought I would try an online support group.  So I found one online, signed up for it, and had pretty good luck for a while.


The  best thing about the online support group is that you are in your comfort zone, you can pick a time that is convienient to you and get a variety of different cancer survivors from all over the country, even the world.  It is amazing what other peoples take on your situation can be.

I had a bit of good luck with my online therapy experience for a while.  Like I said before, its hard for me to open up, and once I put something out there, its like a balloon floating up to the sky, its out, you can't get it back.

I shared something personal with the group.  I know I have a hard time trusting people.  Yep, something I am working on, not an easy thing to overcome.

I recall there was one day everyone was late.  Server issues, I don't recall the problem.  I was sitting (virtually) in a room for 20 minutes or so until someone came in.  I believe it was the therapist.  The rest of the group came in late as well.  I didn't really participate at all, just stewing in the corner like a mad child.

Ok I admit that was not the best thing to do emotionally, but when I get upset I shut down.

The therapist was upset that I wasn't participating.  She said it was disrupting the group.  I told her if we were a "live" group I probably would have done the same thing, or would it have been better if I left the chat room for the night.  I honestly don't recall her answer.

That was disruptive so I had to talk to her privately before one of our group chats.

Kind of like being called to the emotional principal's office.

She said that kind of behavior needed to stop.  It was disrupting the group etc.  I was being too sarcastic (which is one of my defense mechanisms, humor, any one who knows me knows that)  I said ok fine something to that effect


The next week went fine.


The following week however, I said something sarcastic.

I dont' recall exactly what the therapist said, but I said "Wow, that's your advice as a therapist?"

You can imagine how that went over.


So I get an email from the therapist basically saying that I am too angry, sarcastic and reactive and I was not being supportive enough for the group effort.

So I got kicked out...

Of  a support group.

Not very supportive if you ask me

and once again I say

See, you get what you pay for...


Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com



Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com. Available on demand now and also available on itunes.

You get what you pay for Part One...

Author's note:  This is just my recent experience with therapy.  I am not putting down any form of therapy or if you or your doctor feel it is necessary.  I am just relaying my experiences with one  therapist.

Before cancer I thought I could handle anything.  I am a pretty strong willed individual.  I don't back down from a fight, and truth be told I can be argumentative too ( I know its pretty shocking to most who know me.)  Cancer, depression, chemo and the side effects those really got to me.  I like using the hockey analogy, its like when another player taunts you and gets in your head. All you can focus on in that taunt, that player, not the game, not where you are supposed to be on the ice, nothing.

So I thought to myself.  Ok, I know I am not supposed to feel this way.  I am done with treatment, I am back to work, but it is after all called the "new normal"  something that you are not prepared for, or well at least I wasn't. 

I decided to see a therapist one on one.  It worked for a while. I told her I am not an easy patient.  Some things are hard for me to talk about.  I told her sometimes you might have to literally pry it out of me like the jaws of life.

She wanted me to journal everyday.  Ok, so what if I have nothing to write about?  I blog here when the mood strikes, I am not a write on command type of person.  Ok I tried.  Got a notebook.  I don't like writing in a notebook, can I write on my computer, its easier for me.  She said something about the brain going to the hand and some subconcious something blah blah. 

Well I asked her, when I am done writing are you going to read it next time I am here?

 No its for you.

Dude, seriously I thought, I know how fucked up and depressed I feel, you sure you don't want to take a peek?  As if writing down my thoughts would miraculously make me feel better and have the sunshine and puppies moment.

She didn't want to see it.

Ok.

She didn't like the thought of prying my thoughts out of me, although that is what I needed. 

She told me she worked with teenagers with emotional problems when I had first met her, so I thought ok, that is helpful since I try to share my feelings but like I said, its hard sometimes and there is that jaws of life analogy again.

She told me that I could call her after hours at home if need be.  I said I don't really like to rely on that, people have their own lives, I don't like to pry.  She insisted.

So I called her on two seperate occasions.

Now being a therapist and knowing that the emotional shit doesn't always happen between the usual 9 to 5 office hours you think she would have taught her kids how to take a message.

Nope.

I got pissed at her about that and all I got was basically an oh well kind of response.

The second time I called she was having some kind of family dispute and had to call me back.  Now for both situations I wasn't at the end of my rope, but could you imagine if I was?  Uh, I am sorry, I am dealing with my child, sorry that you are having an emotional meltdown, hang on I will call you right back.

Once again I got pissed at her.  Once again it was an oh well kind of response.

At some point during my therapy sessions with her she thought it would be therapeautic if I finger painted.

You read that right.

Fucking Fingerpainting

Sure, a depressed almost 40 adult dealing with cancer and survivorship for the first time and you want me to break out the fingerpaints and that would help me cope???!!!! 

Uh.....Sure...

At one point I imagined smearing that paint on her face thinking, yeah, you are right, I feel better now!!!

Her job was probably going to get downsized so she told me that she would remain my therapist and we would figure out where we could continue our sessions.

That was not the case. She told me that, basically I wasn't following much of the direction that she had given me in therapy (Ok lets stop there.  You think that if all you have is a couple of things in your therapy bag of tricks that you might, oh I don't know, ask colleagues, go online.  There is a wealth of information out there.  I know I seek it out.) and that her position will no longer be funded so I should seek help elsewhere.

Obviously getting dumped by your therapist isn't easy, but she was free, a service of a local organization. 

So see, you get what you pay for.


Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand now and also available on itunes.

Whale follows Surfer for Breast Cancer Fundraiser

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Face the Sun, the Movie

I interviewed Mike Moroz of Face the Sun, the Movie. He asked me if I would make a short video about Face the Sun and why I thought it should be made. Here is that video.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com podcast of the show is also available

Check out my show The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on itunes

Check how a town comes together for this Mom and survivor on Dateline.

Thanks to Rob of 360i for sending me the link

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

The Schedule

I take a lot of pills, not as many as I used to when I was going through treatment, but still, more than most. Most of them are vitamins, a full multi vitamin, b complex vitamin, vitamin b-6, vitamin d (keeps me from being tired not enough sun in Northern Michigan apparently for most) etc, some are prescribed, like the anti anxiety pill I take, got those from my doc when I was told my course of treatment. I remember thinking how the fuck am I going to get through all this shit? I called my doc and I remember it like it was yesterday, told her I thought I needed some anti anxiety, sounded like she was eating lunch, she was very calm, I think I felt like I was about to jump out of my skin. I recall telling her what I was going to have to do 4 rounds of adrymicin/cytoxan, 12 rounds of taxol, with herceptin, then herceptin for the rest of the year. Yeah, I can see why you would be anxious is what she said or something like it. I remember babbling something like yeah I don't take meds so you should give me the lowest dose possible. I can just imagine what my chart notes look like for that day.

I also take synthroid for hypothyroidism. That pill starts my day. Have to take it on an empty stomach. Then I wait a half hour to an hour to eat. Wonder why that is. Don't know. I should ask my doc next month, going to an appointment for a med check.

I take tamoxifen, a cancer fighting pill. I take that until 2013. Can't wait to be done with that one, once that is done I will be officially done with treatment. That will be a sweet day. Yeah you are thinking it is just a pill, not as bad as chemo or radiation, but still, it is treating my cancer. It is another reminder, and the hot flashes totally suck, but as far as side effects go, they are not too bad.

The other pill I take is an anti depressant. I have to take that with dinner. I took it once without food, ugh. Ever have food poisoning? That was what it was like, and I was house sitting. that was great. Being in an unfamilar environment totally nauseous. I should have started the anti depressant earlier than I did. I have been pretty positive throughout treatment and survivorship, but I realize that I cannot do it alone, that is why I asked my doc for the anti depressant. That was probably one of the hardest things I did. I wasn't feeling like myself and I knew I was in a bad place and I didn't want to keep going down that road.

Then after a while I tried to get off the anti depressants, with doctors approval of course.

That was a mistake.

Anti depressants are hard to get off of, bad withdrawal effects. Not good if you are in radio. I recall calling the docs office talked to the office manager Carla or Nurse Debbie. Yah I think I am going to stay on the meds. I feel like I am either going to start crying or punch someone in the face. She asked me if I wanted to talk to the doctor. I said no. Just put it in my chart. Why? I thought, so she could tell me that was a good idea? I can be a pain in the ass sometimes.


I follow my schedule regularly. Tonight I will take my vitamins and anti anxiety before bed, anti anxiety will help me sleep.

Tomorrow I wake up and take my synthroid, and start the schedule all over again.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com podcast of the show is also available

Check out my show The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on itunes