The Marble

I came across this post on a facebook page recently Amazing women rock stays sane: 1) All of the time.  2) Most of the time. 3) Some of the Time 4) Hardly ever 5)  Is nuttier than a fruitcake.  Then the page went on to link to a page that had 37 quick tips to maintain your sanity.


Uh....

Nuttier than a fruitcake??  I responded to the author of the post and told them I was offended by that particular comment.  She responded with a link to her blog (of which I am not going to link here, you can go to the fb page I mentioned and find the post) post titled Here's To Being a Crazy One: A Misfit, A Rebel, And A Round Peg In A Square Hole 
  
Last time I checked being a rebel, an outsider, being your own person, not conforming to what everyone else does doesn't make you crazy.  If that was the case no one would have wanted to emulate this guy:

I get offended by the word crazy, or nuttier than a fruitcake or lost your marbles or  fill in the blank with another term.

As many of my readers know I battle depression, some days are good some days are bad.

Let me explain to you, what its like for me.  Imagine a jar.  Now put a marble in that jar.  The marble is me.  Now fill that jar with sand.  The sand is depression, whether that be thoughts, moods, feelings etc.  Try to find that marble in the jar.  Its going to be pretty hard to do. 

That's in the simplest terms what it feels like.  Trying to make sense of thoughts and emotions.  Try to find that marble.  Its hard.  The marble gets lost in the sand.   Simple analogy right?

Its hard to be trapped that way, trapped in your own head, knowing that it doesn't make any sense to feel the way you feel, and it can be crippling.

There was a time a few months ago that I was so depressed I did just the bare minimum at work, could barely even function, but no one knew.  I am a good actor when it comes to that.  All I wanted to do was go home and curl up in a ball and sleep.

But life happens and I am not Rip Van Winkle, I can't go to sleep and then wake up years later and have everything be all better.  Life is not some fairy tale.  Sometimes its just hard, cold reality

Days are getting better, exercise is helping me, pilates is helping me.  Blogging is helping me.  I still maintain a positive mental attitude.You may think that is impossible if you are depressed, but you can be happy if you are depressed, a guest on The Vic McCarty Show, Therese Borchard said that (here is her link)  It makes total sense to me, not something I can explain if you haven't fought the same battles I have fought.

I take meds every day to deal with depression, called Effexor it is a serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs). It works by increasing the amounts of serotonin and norepinephrine, natural substances in the brain that help maintain mental balance.

Maintain mental balance, yeah, or for me just trying to find the marble in the sand.



Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on Demand now and also available on Itunes.

A Positive Ripple Effect

A while ago I was asked to write an article for a magazine.  I can't even recall how long ago that was, I blame chemo brain for that.  Some things I just can't retain.  I try to get used to it but it is still frustrating as hell...

Its not like I submit things all the time.  I don't.  Most of the time I just write on my blog or submit to a few things here or there.  So when I got the email from Brent from Empoweradio.com.  I was like "oh yeah, sweet!!"

Imagine my surprise when I opened up the email link for the magazine and I saw my name on the cover. 

Wow. 

I am grateful to Kim and Cheryl the creators of the magazine to be included in the premiere issue.

I am honored and humbled to be on the cover.

I am glad there is a magazine that is spreading positive messages out there.


Check out A Positive Ripple Effect.  My article is on page 34. Please check out the entire magazine, and share it with your friends.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on Itunes.

Great information for everyone in the breast cancer community

Wow!!!!!! This blog was named on of the 15 Inspiring Breast Cancer blogs by Toponlinecolleges.com

Wow I am honored and humbled to be named among this amazing list of breast cancer  survivors. 
Thank you to everyone at Toponlinecolleges.com and thank you everyone for continuing to read about my cancer journey.  I always have to thank Matt Zachary for letting me blog on stupid cancer. 


Mel is the producer/cohost of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern  on wmktthetalkstation.com


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

OUTBREAK

It has been a rough week. I found out that one friends breast cancer returned (on Friday)  went to another good friend's memorial service (on Saturday)  Saturday night I was an emotional wreck.  I considered not going into work on Sunday on my on air shift on 106KHQ, but thought better of it because, well for one,  I need the money, and two, we are short staffed, and I didn't want to use just having a shitty weekend and possible mental breakdown as an excuse for not going to work,so yeah I have a puritan work ethic.

So I went to work on Sunday, so freaked out and feeling like I was coming mentally unglued, but I knew that I could pull off a good show.  I can fake that no problem.  I am a professional after all.  But you know what?  I didnt' have to.  The music lifted up my spirits.  I was the only one in the building for the majority of my day so I was dancing and singing at the top of my lungs, (thank god the Ustream wasn't on or else I would have never heard the end of that from my co workers. 

We use facebook at work.  One of the perks for working at a radio station.  It is considered part of the job to post status updates, ask questions to the listeners and post where we will be making appearances, etc.

So as I was on facebook I came across a friend of mine's status and photo.  It was a shrine for his wife.  She had passed away from cancer a few weeks back.  I had worked with him on Crossing Jordan, which seems like a lifetime ago, and we were casual facebook friends.  I was stunned.  This would make 3 instances of cancer that I saw that weekend.

So Monday rolled around.  For a Monday it was going pretty well.  Had a decent Vic McCarty show.  Monday is always lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings, another perk of the job.  Was having a pretty good day.

Then the local paper came.

I usually read through it pretty quickly.  Not much news, small town.

Then I saw the obituary of someone that I worked with at another job a few short years back.

That made 4.


A good friend of mine said I should ponder and wonder why this happened.  Its God's plan.

I am not going to ponder this.

Sometimes God's plan just plain sucks

You can label me a heretic.  I go to church when I can.  I pray. I do believe in God and do believe he does have a plan. 

That doesn't mean I have to like it or agree with it or anything of the kind.

Like my friend Donald Wilhelm  (who was the #2 in this blog) would say "It is what it is"

But dammit, fucking number 4

Seriously.  Is it just me or is this ridiculous?  How can there be so much cancer around and there is no "cure" or meds to prevent it.    I am wondering what epidemologists say.  You know the people who study these things?

I am sick of the outbreaks.

I am sick of reading about another friend or acquaintance getting a recurrance or a diagnosis.

I am sick of seeing the goddamn pink ribbon on my cat's friskies.

October is Breast cancer awareness month.

To me every month is cancer awareness month.

I think we are all aware there if cancer

Now how about we start fucking doing something about it?

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com  Available on demand now and also available on Itunes

Interview on Your Story Matters with Angela Schaefers 8-10-10

Fearless????

I was planning on writing a blog about something else unrelated to this topic.  This one gets every survivor.

I was having a great day.  Just did a great radio interview. Had an awesome lunch with the crew from work.  My internet still isnt' working at home so I decided to check facebook on my phone.

Thats when I saw the post


Bad News.

My cancer is back.

Nothing sends shock waves through you like hearing or reading that.  Recurrance.  The scariest word a survivor can hear.

I posted something on her wall.  I told her I would help her out in any way I can.  I can't help her out financially.  Financially I am the Titanic and the iceberg is my debt.  Cant seem to steer clear of it.  I can help her emotionally.  Listen to her.  She is far away.  I can't hug her, or be there in person for her.  That makes me sad.

Quite frankly what she is going through scares the hell out of me.

A friend of mine recently called me fearless.

Now you know the one thing I fear the most.

Mel is the producer of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com 

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand and also available on Itunes.