Parts Whole

 

I started playing organized hockey again.  I played a couple of times last year, pick up, but not organized, not like I was when I played in California in Burbank and Pasadena.    There they would have an actual draft, where they would make you do drills and try to set up the teams evenly so there wasn't one team that was loaded with great players and the rest with average players like me. 

Hockey means a lot to me.  Its hard to explain why.  Some things are just your passion, they get into your blood.  I started playing in my mid 30s, wanted to exercise and didn't think I would go to the gym that much, so I used my tax refund to buy hockey gear at a store in Woodland Hills, CA.  Out of all places to get into hockey, go figure I get into it in California.  Never been one to follow the norm.

2007 was a hard year for me hockey wise.  Not only did I find out my diagnosis on the last day of Red Wings Training camp but I had to tell my team that I had cancer and I couldn't play that year.  That was hard.  We had a beginning of the season party and I didn't tell anyone until then.  Everyone was shocked.

I was hoping that I could play that year.  That hope was dashed when I had my port put in.  No contact sports. I would have that port in until 2009.

Two frickin years.

Two years of not playing hockey.

That was hard. Obviously going through chemo, radiation, surgeries and all the crap that went with it was hard, but not playing was hard. 

Hockey is cathartic for me. 

It is zen for me. 

There is something about the stillness about getting on a freshly zambonied sheet of ice.  Hearing your skate blades hit the ice for the first time.  Skating a few times around the rink.   Doing some stretches.  Then getting into the game.

If everything is going crazy in the world the ice is the one place where everything makes sense.  I think everyone has one of those places.  For me it just happens to be a rink.  

Not being able to skate and to play made me feel less like me.  Trying other sports or activities to fill the void just didn't cut it. 

Something was missing. 

Something that was a part of me.

As I got dressed in the locker room with some of the ladies that I have played with before I felt a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while.  

Stepping out onto the ice I felt shaky.  But skating is like riding a bike you never forget.

We did drills and did a draft for teams and then we scrimmaged.  There were players on the ice that were better than me and some that were not.

As I sat on the bench between plays all I kept thinking was this:

I beat cancer I can do anything on the ice.

 

I'll keep you posted when I net my first hat trick.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes

Road Trippin'

  

 I had 2 doctors visits in one week.  That is unusual for me lately.  Both were routine follow ups from oncology and radiation oncology.  I didn't have the usual scanxiety that I usually have.  I had a mammogram just a month before and everything was normal, so I naturally assumed that neither doc would find any problems.

I like to drive.  Everywhere.  I drive more than Doug.  When I lived in LA that was part of my job, driving to set, from editorial to one of the post houses, mix stages etc. Most people get totally stressed in rush hour on the 101, the Hollywood Freeway.  I find it relaxing.  Yeah your not moving, but you can clear your mind and focus.

I would always drive to my doctor appointments, chemo, radiation, I think I even drove to surgery.  Most of the time after chemo I wasn't in any shape to drive, the drugs would knock me out (and no I didn't drive after my lumpectomy surgery, but apparently I called several people to tell them I was ok while I was still heavily medicated.  Wonder if that audio is still around.)

Monday I drove to the oncologist.  Driving to the hospital for what I knew would be a routine follow up brought a flood of memories to me.  Why I don't know.  I thought about the routine I would have for the day.  I would get my blood drawn out of my port at about 9am.  Hated that goddamn port. Looked like a fucking bottlecap under my skin, and it would hurt sometimes when I moved a certain way.   Go to work and produce The Vic McCarty Show for 2 hours, drive home.  Put lidocaine on my port and cover it with plastic wrap so it wouldn't rub off.  Lidocaine numbs the area.  I would see the oncologist.  he would go over my blood counts to make sure I was strong enough to do the chemo, then it was a short walk to the infusion center.  There were a couple of times that I forgot to put Lidocaine on my port and when they jabbed the syringe in me for the chemo  it hurt like hell for the entire treatment, which lasted anywhere from 1-3 hours, depending upon the meds.

I thought about how much I had been through.  Sometimes I can't believe it.  Its only been 3 years but it also feels like a lifetime ago.  I thought about how much Doug has been there for me. Every chemo, every radiation.  During chemo I would fall asleep  because of the meds and he would go to the cafeteria to get something to eat for himself.  He would come back with Lays potato chips for me.  They made me feel better when I was done.  I would groggily walk to the exit of the cancer center and Doug would get the car and pull it up so I wouldn't have to walk too far. 

During the drive to the doctor I wondered why I wasn't nervous or scared.  Was it because I was just too busy with work and advocacy?  Maybe I have just gotten to a place where I know I am going to be ok, and as my friend Donald Wilhelm would say "It is what it is." 

No its neither one of those things.  I don't know why the appointments didn't bother me.  I still don't.  It makes no sense.

Cancer still affects me.  Well the side effects do anyway.  The neuropathy that went away now comes and goes.  Like I need a fucking reminder that I had cancer.  It frustrates me that I still have it.  That when sometimes when I am doing pilates I can't feel my toes or part of my foot.  Kind of hard to focus on the poses and breathing when you aren't even sure where your foot it.  I know its where it should be.  I just can't fucking feel it.  Frustrating when the instructor asks you to move a part of your foot and you have no clue if you are or not.

And the damn depression.

Of all the side effects I have had I wish I could trade that one for something else, like you used to to with marbles or baseball cards when you were a kid? 

Hey I'll trade you depression for insomnia or chemobrain.

Shit.  I have both of those too. 

Nevermind..

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes

You Like Me, You Really Like Me!!!

Just got an email today from Amy from licensedpracticalnurse.com saying they liked my blog and is featuring it on their website as one of their top breast cancer blogs.

I am honored and humbled by The Cancer Warrior's inclusion in this list.

I hope this means that I am making a difference in cancer survivor's lives.


Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes

In Response to NY Times article "Think About Pink"

So the creator of project boobies emailed me a link to a NY Times article recently.  About this survivor who was complaining about the pink ribbon on everything.  To that I can relate.  Everything seemed to have a pink ribbon on it.  I get that, in October the ribbon was everywhere.  That is the only part of the article I can agree upon.
Paraphrasing, she said that the pink ribbon was on everything and it promoted "awareness."

Then she said this,
"The experience of actual women with cancer, women like Rollin, Black, Ford and Rockefeller — women like me — got lost."

Uh what?

So I put on a Save the Tatas shirt or a Project boobies that takes away from your experience with cancer?

She says "Sassy retail campaigns have sprung up everywhere, purporting to “support the cause.”
Ok so as a writer shouldn't you check facts?

In the photo for the blog I am PROUDLY wearing a projectboobies shirt for a tv interview, one that she was complaining about in the article to be sassy and purporting to "support the cause."

Sorry Ms. Orenstein, it does support the cause.

Have you heard of Kokolulu?  A free retreat for cancer survivors in Hawaii.  A portion of project boobies proceeds goes to fund the retreat.  THE FREE RETREAT.

As for Save The TaTas, a company I am familiar with, a company who, whenever I ask for t shirts for a fundraiser or a group the owner Julie Fikse donates to me without question, has according to their website donated $535,000 towards ending breast cancer.

Sorry that diminishes your battle.

 Sorry that Kris Carr, survivor and author of Crazy Sexy Cancer bothers you with her positive message.

Does it diminish the battle of the 52 year old survivor who asked my friend for a save the tatas shirt, knowing that she got it from me?  Does it diminish the fact that the doctors didn't give her much time to live. 

I say No.

Most of the breast cancer survivors I know are in their 20's and 30's so I would instead of wearing as you would want me to a “I ❤ My 72-Year-Old One-Boobied Granny t shirt instead of the tatas or projectboobies shirt I would wear my  I ❤ My 27 yr old friend who is a college student and a young adult breast cancer survivor

Because I do.

And a pink ribbon on toilet paper doesn't diminish the battle or the stories of my friends Lani, Angella or Ann, who are survivors, bloggers, and advocates (and Ann at this time is facing a recurrance)


Seeing a pink ribbon everywhere doesn't diminish my battle. It only fuels my fire to advocate for ALL CANCERS  even more.   I maintained a positive outlook while battling cancer and depression at the same time.  I guess I just prefer to live my life positively, even while staring in the face of my own mortality.

No survivor I have ever heard say cancer is fun.

We all know it sucks.

Wrap that up in a pink ribbon. 

Mel is the producer of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com. Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

The Marble

I came across this post on a facebook page recently Amazing women rock stays sane: 1) All of the time.  2) Most of the time. 3) Some of the Time 4) Hardly ever 5)  Is nuttier than a fruitcake.  Then the page went on to link to a page that had 37 quick tips to maintain your sanity.


Uh....

Nuttier than a fruitcake??  I responded to the author of the post and told them I was offended by that particular comment.  She responded with a link to her blog (of which I am not going to link here, you can go to the fb page I mentioned and find the post) post titled Here's To Being a Crazy One: A Misfit, A Rebel, And A Round Peg In A Square Hole 
  
Last time I checked being a rebel, an outsider, being your own person, not conforming to what everyone else does doesn't make you crazy.  If that was the case no one would have wanted to emulate this guy:

I get offended by the word crazy, or nuttier than a fruitcake or lost your marbles or  fill in the blank with another term.

As many of my readers know I battle depression, some days are good some days are bad.

Let me explain to you, what its like for me.  Imagine a jar.  Now put a marble in that jar.  The marble is me.  Now fill that jar with sand.  The sand is depression, whether that be thoughts, moods, feelings etc.  Try to find that marble in the jar.  Its going to be pretty hard to do. 

That's in the simplest terms what it feels like.  Trying to make sense of thoughts and emotions.  Try to find that marble.  Its hard.  The marble gets lost in the sand.   Simple analogy right?

Its hard to be trapped that way, trapped in your own head, knowing that it doesn't make any sense to feel the way you feel, and it can be crippling.

There was a time a few months ago that I was so depressed I did just the bare minimum at work, could barely even function, but no one knew.  I am a good actor when it comes to that.  All I wanted to do was go home and curl up in a ball and sleep.

But life happens and I am not Rip Van Winkle, I can't go to sleep and then wake up years later and have everything be all better.  Life is not some fairy tale.  Sometimes its just hard, cold reality

Days are getting better, exercise is helping me, pilates is helping me.  Blogging is helping me.  I still maintain a positive mental attitude.You may think that is impossible if you are depressed, but you can be happy if you are depressed, a guest on The Vic McCarty Show, Therese Borchard said that (here is her link)  It makes total sense to me, not something I can explain if you haven't fought the same battles I have fought.

I take meds every day to deal with depression, called Effexor it is a serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs). It works by increasing the amounts of serotonin and norepinephrine, natural substances in the brain that help maintain mental balance.

Maintain mental balance, yeah, or for me just trying to find the marble in the sand.



Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on Demand now and also available on Itunes.

A Positive Ripple Effect

A while ago I was asked to write an article for a magazine.  I can't even recall how long ago that was, I blame chemo brain for that.  Some things I just can't retain.  I try to get used to it but it is still frustrating as hell...

Its not like I submit things all the time.  I don't.  Most of the time I just write on my blog or submit to a few things here or there.  So when I got the email from Brent from Empoweradio.com.  I was like "oh yeah, sweet!!"

Imagine my surprise when I opened up the email link for the magazine and I saw my name on the cover. 

Wow. 

I am grateful to Kim and Cheryl the creators of the magazine to be included in the premiere issue.

I am honored and humbled to be on the cover.

I am glad there is a magazine that is spreading positive messages out there.


Check out A Positive Ripple Effect.  My article is on page 34. Please check out the entire magazine, and share it with your friends.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on Itunes.

Great information for everyone in the breast cancer community