Definition of Deja-Vu by Free Dictionary.com
Noun- The experience of thinking that a new situation had occurred before
an experience that causes you to remember something
I recently found out a survivor friend of mine had a new cancer. Not a recurrance, but a brand new cancer. The drugs they give you to get rid of the cancer that you have can cause more cancer, and even different cancers. Pretty ironic. That is one scary part about cancer. You can feel totally fine and it can sneak up on you.
I had an ultrasound the other day. A pelvic ultrasound. Normally these tests don't worry me, but for some reason this one really got in my head, don't ask me why. Maybe it was just the culmination of stress from everyday life that manifested itself into this one test.
I am used to tests, it gets to be kind of routine, part of your daily life, unfortunately. I am always interested in watching the screen when I get a scan. Not like I have a damn clue of what I am looking at now, white with a lot of dark spots, looks like the fucking moon, ok is that good or bad? Tech doesn't say, can't say, not allowed to. (Remember I have already gotten one tech in trouble so my chart is probably flagged like Elaine's chart was in Seinfeld, labeled a trouble maker)
I remember looking down at the shirt I was wearing. Life is Good. God it would be so ironic if this was the day they scanned me and I had more cancer.
So the test was on Thursday. Wait for the results. Over the weekend, oh yeah a holiday weekend. 72 hours to have all sorts of thoughts run through my head, none of them helpful to me or my health. Just breathe, it will be ok, I am thinking, what if that black spot is a tumor, what if cancer is back? How do the techs and radiologist tell what all that stuff is? It looks like a picture of the moon to me. Shit, I want to have a good weekend, but I couldn't get it out of my head. I am my own worst enemy. Try to be happy, not think about it. I can't always be happy. Thinking about the possibility about having another cancer doesn't leave you with the sunshine and puppies feeling. The whole 3 day weekend goes by and its Tuesday.
Call the doc, leave a message.
The universe has its own timetable. As much as I would hope that my pelvic ultrasound of what looks like the sea of tranquility will be read by the radiologist before anyone elses I know that is most likely not the case.
I think to myself, don't they know how stressed out I am about this? How could they honestly? I try to avoid the doctor as much as I can. Not that I am not grateful for what they have done for me, but the less I see them the better I feel. As a patient I am proactive, but I also realize that sometimes I am a pain in the ass. (first step to recovery is admitting your problem)
Wednesday. Call the docs office, instead of going to voicemail I get the office manager Carla, tell her I would like the results of my test if they have them that would be great because, as I have written before, I am not a patient patient, I hate waiting, despise it I hate being late to things, even by a few minutes. I believe it is some kind of ocd with me. Carla puts me on hold. The doctor picks up the line. No masses, good I think to myself, I really shouldn't look at ultrasounds again, looks like the moon, might see Neil Armstrong on there.
There is always a but.
Since the one of the drugs I take stops my period, a side effect I was happy to have, the endometrius builds up, that is basically the blood that you would have shed if you had a period. That is normal. No period. Stuff stays somewhere. They want to biopsy it just to make sure. Tamoxifen can cause endometrial cancer. Anti cancer drugs that cause cancer. Still want to pick and choose my side effects. So she explains to me about what all is involved in an endometrial biopsy. It is pretty much like a pap test only they take a part of the endometrius.
So why is it deja-vu all over again. I think back to my friend, the breast cancer survivor. I just saw her in October at a cancer society fundraiser. Three short months ago. She looked great. Now she has a new different cancer.
Monday I have my biopsy.
Then once again. I wait.
Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com
Check out my podcast available on demand on Empoweradio.com and also available on itunes.