I am done with treatment, well for the most part. I take a pill everyday, not so bad compared to the chemo I took for 5 months.
I have met many great people online, and through my podcast, many survivors who are going thru the same type of treatment I did. I wish I had known about facebook and twitter during my treatment. I think I would have had an easier time with it. Yes I did have a positive mental attitude, but some days it was hard to keep that up. It is hard when you are in the thick of it, that anyone could possibly feel as low or as tired or as shitty as you do. Trying to explain it to someone who hasn't been there like a caregiver or friend or loved one seems ridiculous "They don't have cancer, how the fuck are they going to know how I feel??!!!"
Talking about it or being upset or bringing it up would just make me feel like my friends were thinking "God there's cancer girl upset again." As crazy as that sounds that is what I would think. I know that was not the case, but in the moment, that is what I felt.
Now I see a friend of mine, who I met on facebook, start herceptin. She was nervous about it because of all of the side effects she had. She had a rougher go of it then I did, she seemed to have a lot more side effects than me. I kind of feel a little guilty, yes survivors guilt, that she has had more side effects than me. I wish I could take those side effects away from her, so she could have more energy to spend time with her kids.
We were talking about people calling us inspirational, as survivors we have heard these words tossed about. Inspirational, brave.
I don't see these words relating to me at all.
I was told I had cancer
I was told what my options were
I wanted to live
Did I have a choice? I guess I did. I could have not fought cancer. That isn't my style. I enjoy a good debate. Hell, sometimes I will argue just to argue. I wont back down from a fight.
Nope. Just me...
Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com
Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand and on itunes.