I have an oncology appointment next week. I think it has been at least six months since my last one. I am wondering if I should be more nervous than I am. Haven't really had any scanxiety for the last few visits, but I have as I have written about before dealing with depression.
I was wondering when my slow spiraling descent downward started. Blogging is a good way for me to remind myself of what has happened to me before, during and after treatment.
I think it started 7 months ago, I wrote a blog called Outbreak, about how I was dealing with 4 instances of cancer with deaths, recurrances and a good friends memorial service. I am really surprised that I didn't see it coming. I knew I was upset at that point, but to get to where I got a few weeks ago was very slow. Add the fact that more people passed from cancer that I had met in person or online (Mandi Schwartz, Sara Feather) its not surprising I was an emotional trainwreck.
I tend to ignore the signs, because I think I can handle it. We all think that don't we? Doesn't matter what life throws at you, the saying goes if God brings you to it He will bring you through it, or something like that. Apparently in my case not without prescription medication.
I believe that the hockey season kept me from going into a quicker downward descent. Extreme physical exercise and being back on the ice after so long felt so good. But it didn't and couldn't help everything that was going on in my head.
Great, my body tries to kill me, I survive that, then my mind turns on me too. I really don't want to ask what could possibly be next, because cancer was scary, not being in control of my thoughts and moods was even scarier.
I feel bad for some people that I hurt. I have apologized, they accepted. But still. To not be yourself for so long and to not see it, and have the changes be so minute that others don't notice it as well?
I got mad at a friend of mine for a stupid reason. It wasn't just mad. There were some days that I couldn't stand being in the same room. I believe because I was in that place and I was mad at her I unwittingly channeled my negative energy and anger towards her. Unfortunately for her she was an easy target.
I didn't realize this until after The Carcinista passed away. I was consumed by anger and depression and I didn't see it for months. Or I ignored it, thinking it was nothing and it would go away.
After recording The Carcinista's interview I texted my friend: I am thinking we should get together next week and talk in person and hash out this issue we have... I was coming off of a cold and I didn't want to spread germs to anyone else. She agreed, she had the same idea in mind.
May 3rd was when we agreed to meet. Looking back at that day and that talk I had with her I was then end of my emotional rope, with no knot to tie on the end. I really don't recall what was said in the conversation (part depression, part chemobrain) wasn't sure I still wanted to be friends and left.
Then I found out that Sarah had passed.
Its amazing what it takes to make you realize whats important. For so long you can obsess about the stupidest shit possible and be pissed and then something like that smacks reality back into your life. Again I texted (my preferred mode of conversation these days) my friend. Told her that life is too short for this BS. Told her about the carcinista, well not everything, just that a friend had passed, and that I needed time.
Eventually we sorted everything out. I can't say if things will be back to where they were. Only time will tell. But I do realize now that I have to be more mindful of myself and get pissed or sad at a non response to a text or an unreturned email. (yeah that was some of the stuff that bugged me, SERIOUSLY!!) Getting upset at an unreturned text? Still wonder why I didn't see this coming. Must have been the lack of neuro-epi seritonin or whatever chemicals in my brain are over or under used.
It took a while but I figured it out. Only took about 7 months. Never thought I was that slow of a learner.
Jean Paul Sartre said Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
The Carcinista figured it out. I am envisioning her smiling down upon me.
Happy that I finally figured it out too.
Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com
Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.