Time to reflect

I just got my haircut the other day, only the second or third time since my hair started growing back, it came back in all grey, then back to my normal black, well now its kind of salt & pepper. I showed a good friend of mine my new 'do and she said it looked great, even though I think it is a little too short (although I am grateful that I have hair) and she is amazed how well I am doing considering where I was a year ago. I said I didn't want to think about it, but I guess actually I do.

One year ago I was on round 9 of twelve of taxol, and I was also on herceptin (which I was on for a year) My white counts were low and I couldn't be around a lot of people, I couldn't go skiing or play hockey, I was totally immersed in treatment, I averaged about 6 doctor visits a month, fatigue was plaguing me every day, and I had no hair. I could only work about 20 hours a week due to the fatigue and my white counts. I was about 5 months into producing the Vic McCarty radio show, which I am still on.

Its a year later and I am still dealing with the effects of cancer, I never capitalize that word, I don't want to give it that power, don't get me wrong it did have a hold over me, but I feel like I had more of a hold over it, with my sense of humor keeping my spirits up. Many of my friend had told me that they couldn't believe that I could have a smile on my face every day and be in such good spirits, that they couldn't have the same positive outlook that I had. I don't believe that. Everyone has a fight in them. I still have the fight in me. Survivorship is harder than I thought. People expect you to be the same but you are not. The differences are on the inside not on the exterior.

Do I wish I was never diagnosed? Easy answer yes. Do I think it has changed me for the better? yes, I don't take things for granted as much anymore and I do believe I have an "attitude of gratitude."

My chemo treatments lasted a little over a year. I finished my treatments on Dec 29, 2008, but I am not done with cancer yet, or least it is not done with me.