Defining moments

Tony Scott.

You may not know the name but you know the movies he has directed.

Top Gun

Beverly Hills Cop II

Crimson Tide

True Romance

The latter movie was one of my favorites.

Now you know who he is.

If you were a child of the eighties like me those films were probably your favorites.  Who didn't want to be Maverick?  Or Kelly McGillis for that matter.  Almost everyone I knew did.

Defining moments.

When I worked in Hollywood I realized that the shows I worked on made lasting impressions on people I have never met, I was a small piece of those lasting impressions.  Those defining moments can last a lifetime.

Tony Scott.

Jumped off of a bridge in San Pedro, CA yesterday afternoon.

He left behind a wife.

He left behind twin sons.

Eyewitnesses say he jumped without hesitation off the bridge and police found a note in his car and in his office.

Why?

All of Hollywood is asking that question.

Why would a man who seemingly had everything take his own life?

Early reports stated he had just found out he had inoperable brain cancer.

While it has been reported that it not the case there is still much speculation as to why someone with everything, someone who has built up an amazing reputation, has given so many people defining moments of their lives take his own life.

Mental Illness?

Could that have been it?

Depression?

It's entirely possible.  The more I read about Tony Scott the more I am finding out he was a lot like the characters in his movies, the larger then life daredevils everyone wanted to be.

That was his public persona.

One can never know the silent suffering of others, especially if they are looked up to, such as Tony Scott was.

Of course I am speculating, I never met him.  I was not in his head.

People who have never had any form of mental illness don't understand how you can't just "snap out of it"

It is like any disease.  You can't snap out of diabetes, heart disease or cancer.  It has to be treated, whether you seek professional help, medication or just talk to a friend.

Even worse, you may get so depressed that you feel like you are alone, and there is no one in the world who can help you.

How do I know this?

I have been there.

I have been so depressed that I thought I was fooling my  co-workers, family, and friends.

Truth is I was only fooling myself.

There were times I was so depressed that I felt I would never be able to dig myself out of that hole.

Depression is a disease but it can be treated.

And you can get help before its too late.


Tony Scott directed amazing movies that audiences will enjoy for years to come.

Unfortunately his defining moment may be that tragic leap he took off of the Vincent Thomas Bridge in San Pedro, CA

Rest in Peace Tony Scott.  As long as there are people like me working hard to destigmatize mental illness your legacy will not be forgotten.

Sometimes the scariest places are within the depths of our own heart, mind and soul...

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand, on Itunes and on the Podcasts app on your iphone

Survivorship and Depression

I was recently on the PBS series "A Wider World" to talk about my cancer survivorship. Here is a segment they filmed about my battle with depression.

Flip the switch

I had an appointment with the doctor the other day.  My general practioner.  Regular checkup.  My doc always asks about my meds, my moods.  Told her sometimes I feel down. Yeah I get depressed.

Sometimes I can snap out of it pretty easily, sometimes I can't.

This was one of those times I couldn't.

I wish I could figure out what brings my mood down.

Some days it seems like it comes out of nowhere, and suddenly I am deeply entrenched in emotions that make no sense to me, but sometimes they do.

It can come in waves, like one moment I am fine the next I am not.

Its worse when your alone, or at night, when there is nothing but your own thoughts surrounding you.

I guess its no wonder that it is hard for me to fall asleep because when I feel this way all I do is think about the things that bother me, or what is upsetting me.

The thing that really gets to me is how I can be fine, then just feel totally steeped in it.

Its inexplicable really, unless you have been there, and if you are reading this I hope you never have been.

I recall one of the times that I felt the worst was right before the carcinista had passed.  That was end of April early May of this year.  I was at a friends house apologizing for the way I had acted, another wonderful thing about this mental condition of mine, I have a tendency to lash out at people that I care about, do and say shit that is totally out of character for me.  I don't recall exactly what the conversation was about but I know I was in a dark place and I felt utterly lost.

Its not something you can just snap out of.

So I try to make sense of it all. Figure out what gets me down.

Ultimately I have no idea.

Right now I am feeling pretty fucking good, and man I love this feeling,

The feeling I had before cancer, before Sept 18, 2007.

Then I wonder when my brain chemistry is going to go askew and flip that switch.

Lyrics from Pink's song Perfect:

You're so mean, 
When you talk, about yourself,
 you were wrong, 
Change the voices in your head
make them like you instead  


If only it was as easy as the song makes it out to be.

I will continue on the fight against my own mind, when the depression hits, when the switch is flipped, I gotta find the right trigger to put it back.

Until then I will continue to advocate, blog about it,try to destigmatize it.

That's the only thing I can do.


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand and also available on Itunes.