"SELF"ish RANT

 

I read a lot of articles and information online, and usually things don't get my ire up enough for me to blog about it but a recent article in SELF magazine really upset me.  It is an article about thyroid cancer, the author quotes Louise Davies, M.D., a researcher with the VA Outcomes Group in White River Junction, Vermont. "Calling thyroid cancer 'cancer' makes it sound like it will kill you, when the truth is, not all cancers matter."

Wait.

WHAT?

Right. so what this article is saying is don't worry about it.  Thyroid cancer isn't really cancer.  If you are diagnosed.  Meh.

I am not a doctor, I have no medical degree.  I give people advice and tell them I am not a medical expert, I went to college for television production, and all my experience I have is from being a cancer patient/advocate.  If you want to take my advice, that is up to you.

But to be an MD and say not all cancers matter is perhaps the most irresponsible statement I have read.

Calling thryoid cancer "cancer" makes it sound like it will kill you.....

That's because it CAN...

It's called cancer for a reason.

I am wondering if Louise Davis, M.D. would give that advice to her daughter, mother, best friend or sister, its not really cancer "cancer"  it's thryoid cancer.

What?

Louise Davis doesn't have to live with the consequences of not treating the non cancer cancer.  The patient does.

Hey Louise, how about this analogy.  If your brakes are squishy, and you push them and they go almost to the floor, when you take them into the mechanic to fix them and he says they are fine, you can drive home.  He doesn't have to drive your car, take your kids to school, live your life.

Tell not all cancers matter to any of my cancer survivor friends, some of whom are thyroid cancer survivors.  We have all seen good friends of ours die from cancer,   and we would never say, well he died from cancer, but not CANCER cancer.  It doesn't matter.

YES IT FUCKING DOES MATTER.

It is reckless to give blanket medical advice like that when everyone's cancer is different.  Yes thryoid cancer is treatable, but so are many other cancers, oh its only Leukemia, its not LEUKEMIA leukemia, it doesn't matter.

 

Every cancer matters.

Every survivor matters. 

 

I would like Louise Davis to explain herself to a roomful of my thryoid cancer survivor friends.

Tell them that it doesn't matter.

Yeah, let me know how that goes...

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand, on Itunes and on the Podcasts app on your iphone

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt

Today Lance Armstrong stepped down as chairman of Livestrong. I am deeply saddened by this.  He did so so Livestrong wouldn't be put in the middle of the USADA's allegations of Lance doping during 1999-2005. 

Nike, Radio Shack and Anheuser-Busch dropped their endorsement deals with Armstrong.

 Nike dropped  their endorsement deal because of "seemingly insurmountable evidence"

Controversy over doping.

Does it seem impossible that one man is telling the truth and many others are not?

It happens.

Does it seem impossible that one man can win 7 Tour De France without doping?

It happened

It used to be that a handshake and someone's word were all that you needed.

Isn't it innocent until proven guilty?

 Not guilty until proven innocent.

Let me tell you something about cancer survivors, at least my experience.

There are times during treatment when you think you will always feel sick

That you will never be well again

That you will never regain the ability to do what you used to do

That you will never, essentially be you again.

When you finally realize how far you have come you want to live life to the fullest, grab the brass ring, run that marathon that you never thought you would, skate harder and faster than you have, ride a bike faster because you know the value of today, and know there may not be a tomorrow.

I am not a professional athlete.  I play hockey in an adult amateur league and participate in runs like the Warrior dash. 

I have never won a professional sporting event, like the Tour, nor will I ever.

But I do know this:

If you are a cancer survivor once you get that exhilaration, that taste of life, that winning feeling, you want it to continue.

So what do you do if you are Lance Armstrong?

Win the Tour 6 more times.

Some people will say I am just supporting Lance because I am a cancer survivor.

That may be true, although I read his book It's Not About The Bike before I was diagnosed, I have never been a Livestrong Leader, participated in any Livestrong events, nor have been to the Livestrong headquarters in Austin.

I am a cynic yes, but I do believe the value of a man's word.  My Dad taught me that. 

So while your sponsors like Nike and Radio Shack may have left you,Lance, I, like many other survivors stand behind you.

Nike dropping sponsorship makes no sense to me, while they drop Lance, they re sign Michael Vick after his dogfighting charge and jailtime.

Doesn't make sense. 

Michael Vick was convicted.

There are just allegations against Lance Armstrong.

I guess some people and organizations get scared when a scandal hits close to home.

I don't back away from the people who have helped me, even if they don't realize they have. 

Backing people who have helped you even though they may not realize they have. 

Its the right thing to do.

Just Do It.

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com
Also available on Itunes and on the podcasts app on the iphone

Looks can be deceiving

If you stopped by my house and saw this winter hat, you would think nothing of it.  I live in a cold climate, something anyone would wear during the winter. 

But this hat means a lot to me.

Cap
Chapeau
Toque
Hat

There are many names for it.

But this particular one is important.

I wore this when I lost my hair during chemo.

I knew when I got my head shaved I would probably be cold.  I usually have long hair and not having any well that was an abrupt change.  When I thought about what hat I should get to wear during the winter, to treatment, at home and when I slept I knew I wanted this one.

Under Armour.

I know its a good brand because I wear it when I play hockey.  I think I started wearing it before it was the normal thing to do, wear a dry wick material shirt under gear.  Bought my first shirt in El Segundo, California, where the Kings train, back when it was called HealthSouth, now its the Toyota Sport Center.

I wore the hat because it not only covered my head, but it reminded me I would get stronger.

Its funny what we cling onto when we go through something like cancer.  I imagine other people have trinkets and lucky stuffed animals that they cherish, that to other people look like a knick knack on a shelf, or just another stuffed bear.

But to survivors, these things can mean the world.

To me its a reminder of where I have been, and how far I have come.

Are you wondering do I still have my cap?

Damn right I do.

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com
Also available on Itunes and on the podcasts app on the iphone

So You Have Cancer: 10 Things to Do Now, Even if You're Not Warren Buffett

 Another guest blogger, enjoy

Article originally printed in the Huffington Post.  Reprinted with permission.

Cancer is all over the news lately, thanks to early detection, celebrity patients, and those ubiquitous "Hey Cancer" ads. Though medical breakthroughs may be in the offing, the Big C still packs a psycho/spiritual wallop for the newly initiated, no matter what effective tax rate you pay. Here are 10 ways to beat back the cancer blues and be your own best friend:

1) Blame Canada -- Or Philip Morris. Or your stress-Nazi boss. Just don't blame yourself. Because even if it is your fault, right now it's not your fault. Nothing about cancer is your fault. Give yourself the Robin-Williams-in-Good-Will-Hunting Hug because it's not your fault. Once you're all better you can get down on yourself for smoking, or eating poorly, or internalizing your parent's guilt trips. For now, stay focused on getting better.

2) Divide and Conquer -- Learn survivor math. Say the median survival rate of your cancer is five years. Does that mean you will be dead in five years? No, math-slackers, it does not. The median is not the same as the average. A median rate (which is how survival rates are measured) means half the people with your condition will die before the median, most likely people WAY older and WAY more decrepit than you. Are you old and decrepit? Because if you're not then you can live another 10 or 20 or 50 years, depending on your age, even if the median is only five years. I used to hate math too, till I got cancer. Now it's kind of awesome.

3) Take Your Google and Stick it Up Your iPad -- Don't be a masochist and try to "learn" about your cancer on the Internet. Every other post you read will make you feel like you're gonna die any minute. Remember, just because people before you have died of cancer, or even your type of cancer, does NOT mean you will too. So take that, Google founder Larry Page, who once built an inkjet printer out of Lego (it's fine to search for that kind of useless dreck).

4) Trip Out, Dude -- Look yourself in the mirror and say: "I have cancer." It's weird the first time, like saying "I'm tripping on LSD" (not that I would know) -- but it helps to get used to the idea while you're all alone. You have cancer, you can survive, and sooner than you think you'll be looking in the mirror again going, "I don't have cancer anymore." That'll be weird too, but the good kind of weird. The magic mushroom kind of weird (not that I would know).

5) Get Into the Closet -- Keep the lights off. You are now a medical imaging device trying to see inside the total darkness of a human body. Sometimes you see things that aren't really there, like the CAT scan that "saw" potentially fatal tumors on my liver, till a sonogram "saw" they were only harmless cysts on my kidney. Whoops... glad I didn't jump off a bridge that week. So remember: trust but verify.

6) Think About Sex -- I'm a man, so I can't even get through a top 10 list without thinking about sex at least once. If sex is on your mind during these trying times, remember it's perfectly ethical to sidle up to a good-looking girl or guy and say: "You know, I wouldn't ordinarily be so bold, but I have cancer, so I was wondering if we could get naked together." At least you're not lying. Lying is unethical.

7) Channel Judge Judy -- Will your doctor keep probing and testing you because she thinks you have something else, or God forbid, something worse? Probably. Is he also making sure he doesn't get sued for misdiagnosis? Hmm... never thought of that. Doctors work in the real world, my friend. Their job is to be thorough, for many reasons, so keep a running list of each horror they look for but don't find. Not so you can sue anyone. Just to remind you not to be afraid of anything until you're absolutely sure you have it. And even then, just repeat step 3.

8) Tell it to the Hand -- No one knows what the hell to say to someone waylaid by cancer (my best friend asked if I owed him money -- at least it made me laugh). Informing loved ones is a HUGE burden, and you've got enough on your plate as is. Email is a solid way to keep your peeps up to date, and tell them what you need -- namely, their well-timed support. Trust me, you don't want all your loved ones calling for news every time you go to the doctor. With a group email, they can feel connected to you and also give you some much-needed space.

9) Turn On Your High Beams -- E.L. Doctorow once said this about writing, but it's true for surviving cancer as well: "It's like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." So each day, just focus on getting to tomorrow. That's the only "long-term" goal you need to be concerned with till you hit remission.

10) Count to 28 Million, Babe -- That's how many cancer survivors there are worldwide. And with a little luck, you'll be next. Number 28 million and one. Just like Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow over there at the bar. Wait, they broke up, didn't they? "You know, I wouldn't ordinarily be so bold but..."

 

Michael Solomon is an award-winning filmmaker and the author of "Now It's Funny... How I Survived Cancer, Divorce and Other Looming Disasters."

Defining moments

Tony Scott.

You may not know the name but you know the movies he has directed.

Top Gun

Beverly Hills Cop II

Crimson Tide

True Romance

The latter movie was one of my favorites.

Now you know who he is.

If you were a child of the eighties like me those films were probably your favorites.  Who didn't want to be Maverick?  Or Kelly McGillis for that matter.  Almost everyone I knew did.

Defining moments.

When I worked in Hollywood I realized that the shows I worked on made lasting impressions on people I have never met, I was a small piece of those lasting impressions.  Those defining moments can last a lifetime.

Tony Scott.

Jumped off of a bridge in San Pedro, CA yesterday afternoon.

He left behind a wife.

He left behind twin sons.

Eyewitnesses say he jumped without hesitation off the bridge and police found a note in his car and in his office.

Why?

All of Hollywood is asking that question.

Why would a man who seemingly had everything take his own life?

Early reports stated he had just found out he had inoperable brain cancer.

While it has been reported that it not the case there is still much speculation as to why someone with everything, someone who has built up an amazing reputation, has given so many people defining moments of their lives take his own life.

Mental Illness?

Could that have been it?

Depression?

It's entirely possible.  The more I read about Tony Scott the more I am finding out he was a lot like the characters in his movies, the larger then life daredevils everyone wanted to be.

That was his public persona.

One can never know the silent suffering of others, especially if they are looked up to, such as Tony Scott was.

Of course I am speculating, I never met him.  I was not in his head.

People who have never had any form of mental illness don't understand how you can't just "snap out of it"

It is like any disease.  You can't snap out of diabetes, heart disease or cancer.  It has to be treated, whether you seek professional help, medication or just talk to a friend.

Even worse, you may get so depressed that you feel like you are alone, and there is no one in the world who can help you.

How do I know this?

I have been there.

I have been so depressed that I thought I was fooling my  co-workers, family, and friends.

Truth is I was only fooling myself.

There were times I was so depressed that I felt I would never be able to dig myself out of that hole.

Depression is a disease but it can be treated.

And you can get help before its too late.


Tony Scott directed amazing movies that audiences will enjoy for years to come.

Unfortunately his defining moment may be that tragic leap he took off of the Vincent Thomas Bridge in San Pedro, CA

Rest in Peace Tony Scott.  As long as there are people like me working hard to destigmatize mental illness your legacy will not be forgotten.

Sometimes the scariest places are within the depths of our own heart, mind and soul...

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand, on Itunes and on the Podcasts app on your iphone

Goodbye Nancy

I check facebook when I get home.  Tonight I got home late after a 14 hour day working my 2 jobs.  I saw the link from my friend Betsy De Parry.  Komen CEO Nancy Brinker to step down.

Wow.

It is late and I almost didn't want to make dinner before I wrote about this.

This is huge in the cancer world.


 I have written about Komen before in a prior blog post about what Susan Komen would say to her sister about the organization that was created in her name

Now Nancy stepped down.  The article says it was from backlash from Planned Parenthood funding, but I would like  to think it had to do with their pinkwashing of everything from cat treats to toilet paper.

There are many cancer survivors, including myself, who are sickened by seeing the pink ribbon on everything.  We don't need ribbons on Friskies, toilet paper or tennis balls.  We need cures, we need better treatments, we need better detection for the disease.

Somewhere Nancy Brinker lost her way.

The damage has been done, but nothing is irreparable.

We can fix this.

We have the technology.

Surely if JPL can send a rover to MARS our amazing cancer community can help the Komen Organization see the error of their ways.

Until then..

So long,
Farewell
Auf Widersehen
Au Revoir
Goodbye
Nancy.

Don't let the pink ribbon hit you on the ass on the way out....

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand, on Itunes and on the Podcasts app on your iphone

Milestone

Five
Cinco
Cinq
Fem
пять.

Five.;  In any language it is just a unit of measurement.  Days, weeks, seconds, moments.

Five.

For cancer survivors its the magic number.  5 years= remission.

I just had my last oncology visit before my 5 years of being cancer free, which I will celebrate at Red Wings training camp (if there is no lockout)

It is a milestone.

It has been a while since I have written anything.  Over a month.  Not that I haven't had anything to say, just have been busy.

Living life.

Milestones

Hockey

LA Kings

Home ice.

You never forget home ice, the first place you skated, the first game you saw.

I learned to skate late in life, at Pickwick Ice in Burbank, CA, my California home ice..

Staples Center

where I saw my first hockey game. It was awesome

Now if you read my blog you know I am a big fan, and a lot of good things have come surrounding sports, particularly hockey.

The LA Kings, when I first started to get into hockey were in a constant rebuilding year ( starting in 1997)

I still stood behind them though, even though they were awful, when I couldn't get anyone to go with me, because they were so bad or no one was as big of a hockey fan as me.

Even when I moved to Michigan, LA was still "my team"  Yes, I do love the Red Wings, their 2007-2008 stanley cup winning season helped me immensely spiritually and emotionally,  but you never forget your first love.

Milestones

The Kings were a long shot to win the Stanley cup this year.  Came in 8th place out of 8 teams in the western conference.

No one would have thought they could win.

Not even me.

But they did.

First time an 8th seed beat the top 3 teams in the division, and beat the eastern conference champions the NJ Devils.

Watching the Captain Dustin Brown hoist the Stanley Cup at Staples was a surreal moment.

Some days I still can't believe the improbable run.

Some days I can't believe all the things I went through with this damn disease.

But here I am.

On my 5th year of being cancer free

The Kings win the cup.

That is a pretty awesome milestone.


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com
Also available on Itunes and on the podcasts app on your iphone

All I wanna do

Recently I was reading about how Sheryl Crow told the public she had a brain tumor.  I was shocked and stunned.  I was (shockingly) not by a computer so I didn't know the full gist of the story, my heart sank, thinking she had a recurrance or a new cancer.

I searched online and read this article  about her brain tumor.  Fortunately it is benign.  Unfortunately it is causing memory loss.  The writer of this article joked: "Man, if we ever forgot any Sheryl Crow songs, we’re gonna to start freaking out. Doctors should start including “Crow forgetfulness” in the list of benign brain tumor symptoms. If you can’t at least get through the chorus of “My Favorite Mistake,” straight to the MRI machine you go!"


Ha freaking Ha...

It is one thing for a person with memory issues to make fun of themselves, its a whole other ballgame if someone else does it.

I have chemobrain, cognitive memory issues caused by the chemo I took because of my cancer.

It sucks.

Ok I know I am not a grammy winning songwriter with millions of fans, and while making light of Crow's situation may be funny for Halle Keifer (and for the record, I have no idea if she has ever had cancer or what her relationship with cancer is) it strikes a deep nerve with me.

It's hard knowing what you want to say without being able to say it.  To visualize an object or place in your mind when you are wanting it, say a pen or want someone to get something out of, for example, the kitchen.

When I meet people I don't know, which I often do, I hope I don't forget the name of my friend with me, which has happened on occasion.

Or if the grocery store clerk asks if you want paper or plastic and you stare at her blankly, knowing the answer but not being able to verbalize it.

Or being on a live radio show, trying to explain something to the host on air only to speak in either gibberish or fight for the right thought.

My friends understand, its one of those side effects that I have, they know if they ask me a question and it takes me a minute its not because I am slow, or stupid.

It is chemobrain.

It sucks.

It isn't funny.

Try to remember that, Halle Keifer, next time you write an article about someone with a serious condition.

I may not recall everything Halle, but I will remember YOUR name...



Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com
Also available on Itunes.

Just Breathe

I can't believe its been so long since I have written a blog.  I guess I have been busy with work and life and stuff.

One of the things that I was busy with was going to Washington, D.C. to moderate a panel about social media and cancer survivorship.  Most of my friends said that was perfect for me.  I am on facebook and twitter talking to many of my survivor friends, and finding new and interesting guest for my show.

The group that I went to speak to were lung cancer survivors.  I always thought well survivors are survivors, we all deal with the same issues.

While that is true for the most part, there are lots of things I had no idea other survivors had to deal with.

The one story  that stuck with me was of one survivor who told us of how it took almost 9 hours to climb the stairs because she forgot her ipod upstairs soon after her surgery.

Another lung cancer survivor rides hundreds of miles a week on his recumbent bike. (and I barely get in a 10 mile ride a week!!)

Most of the lung cancer survivors at this summit were non smokers.

Lung cancer carries a stigma.  Most people think because you smoke you deserve cancer.

No one deserves cancer.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  It has to suck to be asked "Well you must have smoked."

Like that should matter.

Cancer survivors don't take anything for granted.  That is one thing that we all have in common.

Next time you are outside take in a deep breath of the summer air.

Some people don't have that luxury.

Lung cancer is the #1 killer over breast cancer and heart disease, yet it is the most underfunded.

What are you going to do about that?


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com
Also available on Itunes.

Dormez-Vous?

Frère Jacques, frère Jacques,
Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?
Sonnez les matines! Sonnez les matines!
Din, dan, don. Din, dan, don.

A song that I learned when I was a kid.  I had this stuffed toy, a white french poodle with a music box inside that played that song "Are you sleeping?, Are you sleeping?, brother John, brother John, Morning bells are ringing, Morning bells are Ringing, din dan don, din, dan, don"

5 years of high school french and this is what I remember.

Ironic.

But relevant.  I asked my Doc at my last checkup what could be making me tired.  She did the full round of tests thryoid, vitamin D etc.  Everything checked out.  Another mystery.

So then I began thinking ok, is this just residual side effects from chemo, radiation or who the hell knows what?

I do have chemobrain.  I know this for a fact.  Nothing better than looking like an idiot at the grocery store when the clerk asks you paper or plastic and you are looking right at the bags and the answer escapes you.

Ok side effect, sure, could be, but what could make me so damn tired?

Maybe I push myself too hard?

Work too much?

Go to bed too late?


All of the above?


None of the above?


Effexor

The meds I take to manage my "major depressive disorder" fancy word for depression make me tired.

I have to take effexor with food or else it will make me dizzy.

So I take it when I eat either at breakfast or at lunch.

About an hour and a half after that I start to get tired.

Now its a good thing I work at a radio station and not guarding the missiles in this country, or else we may be in trouble.

I can't stop taking Effexor because I would rather be tired than depressed.

But being tired and fatigued reminds me of when I was going through chemo, and it scares me a little

All those what ifs.

What if its not the meds?

What if the cancer comes back?

What if?

You can't live your life in what ifs.

And unfortunately you can't live your life nap to nap. 

I have tried.

People don't understand side effects, people who don't have to deal with them anyway. 

The meds also give me insomnia.

So I nap when I am tired then I try to sleep and sometimes I can't.

I know it sounds like bitching or whining, but its not.

Just explaining.

If you don't deal with side effects or what are called invisible illnesses, a great website started by my friend Christine Miserandino called   But you don't look sick

So if you see me up late online wondering "Man, does she ever sleep?"

Now you know the answer.

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes. 

PBS Series A Wider World Segment "Cancer Etiquette"

Survivorship and Depression

I was recently on the PBS series "A Wider World" to talk about my cancer survivorship. Here is a segment they filmed about my battle with depression.

My dinner with Susan

Remember when you were in school and the teacher asked you to pick one person dead or alive from any time in history to have dinner with, to talk to, to gain words of wisdom from?  I do.  I can't recall who I picked, but family members aside (yes Dad, you would be first, as long as dinner would include your delicious goulash)  I would pick Susan Komen to sit down and have dinner with.

"What???"  You are thinking...

"All the amazing people throughout history and you pick her?"

I am a bit of a history buff, I love the stories of how our country was founded, hey I grew up in one of the 13 original colonies, can't help that, and the whole story of Pearl Harbor intrigues me, but yes even with the chance of having dinner with John Adams or George Washington, I pick Susan G. Komen.

As any cancer survivor knows her battle and unfortunate death because of cancer started the Susan G. Komen foundation.

Nancy Brinker.

Susan Komen's sister.

Her name instills anger in many cancer survivors, because of the recent uproar over "pinkwashing", something I had written about in 2008 on the stupid cancer blog.

and then again dear dear Nancy and her Komen foundation created Promise Me perfume, ironically which could cause cancer, and most of us have issues with strong fragrances while going through chemo and well beyond that.

And now pulling funding from planned parenthood, which it seems to be a political move, and many assume that the poor and un and underinsured will not be able to get mammograms.

Then panic sets in.

Now lets be honest, Planned Parenthood isn't the only place women can get mammograms or cancer information. There is no need to press the panic button.

Komen however did press that panic button and decided to rescind their decision on  funding planned parenthood

Dinner time.

I can imagine Susan and I sitting down to dinner.

I think the first thing I would show her is the Komen website, show her where it says about Susan, which is little more than a glossed over story about Nancy.

Tell her that even though her sister has taken the pink ribbon and tried to sue other organizations for using it, as well as suing other organizations who use for the cure as if breast cancer is the only cancer we want cured.

Let her know that it was in fact Evelyn Lauder who created the pink ribbon campaign, and the Estee Lauder foundation has not tried to sue other organizations for use of the pink ribbon.

By this time I can imagine Susan is silent.  Wondering how this all has happened.  How an organization that was founded through, what I am sure was love, has become so large, so hated by many, including the very cancer survivors the organization was founded for.

I wish I could actually have this dinner, have this conversation. 

Wonder what she would say that her sister can't see the cancer awareness forest for the pink trees? 

Ask her how putting a pink ribbon on friskies or alcohol furthers research and awareness.

But I can't

I can only wonder how her sister Nancy became so far removed from what she started

for Susan.



Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes. 

Those three little words...

That was my dinner tonight.  Pancakes and bacon.  Everyone loves bacon right?  And pancakes make everything better (well they do, especially after visiting the emergency room twice in one night a month after starting chemo.)

So I started thinking, if my dinner could make my cancer come back.

Not like that is possible.  No one really knows what caused my cancer.

"I'm sorry Mel," the doctor would say," you shouldn't have had that pancake and bacon dinner on January 18,2012.  You should have stuck to your regular diet of chicken or fish and veggies."

Of course its in the waayyy back of my mind about recurrance, but its always there.  Floating around like a little bubble, sometimes you see it, sometimes you don't.

I had the latest issue of Cure Magazine next to me.  The title was "What caused my cancer?"

"I don't know."

Those three little words that I have heard so often from my doctors.

Could my cancer have been caused by my biological grandmother having cancer? 

Was it living in the San Fernando Valley for 10 years with all that smog?

Or perhaps it was working at that fancy restaurant that used to be an old cement factory.

Maybe it was just dumb fucking luck.

"I don't know."

Who is more frustrated, me the patient or my doctor?

I expect my doctor to know everything, but after all, they are just people, but shouldn't they know everything? 

We think that when we are crying about our diagnosis, or upset about a new illness, possibly brought on by our treatment for cancer.

Yep, those three words.

Think about how hard it would be to say those words to someone, when they look to you for the answers and yet you have none.

That must be extremely hard.

How hard?

I don't know....

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes. 

Help me pay it forward

If you are a subscriber to this blog, or just an avid reader of it you know that what I do is not for myself.  I do what I do, my podcast, my blog, speaking etc. to help others.  Its what I love to do is pay it forward.

So I am fundraising, Something I am admittedly terrible at, for a good cause, the Stupid Cancer organization, also known as I2Y or  the I'm too Young for this Foundation.  Yes I have written praises about the group several times before, something I only do if I believe in an organization.

When I was going through treatment I responded to a post requesting guest bloggers.  I guess Matt Zachary, the founder, liked my snarkyness because I was one of the bloggers that he picked.  Ultimately Matt and the organization  helped me find my voice through writing, which eventually led to my podcast. 

So I sing nothing but praises for Stupid Cancer (well not literally, no one wants to hear me sing.)

I was fortunate to go to the OMG stupid cancer summit in NYC last year, and even blogged about it on here. 

It was an amazing event.

Lifechanging.

Now I am asking for your help. 

I know times are tough. 

The economy sucks.

I was just at coinstar the other day cashing in the coins I had saved from my part time barista job.

But consider this:

A minimum tax deductible donation of $10 will help change a young adult survivors life. 

$10 bucks.. You could skip two lattes this week.  You wont miss it, and you will pay it forward

Someone like me, who felt so lost, so alone, thinking why did I get cancer?  Isn't this some old person's disease?

Its not a disease for someone who is healthy, athletic and in the prime of their life.

Sadlly though, it was.

Please donate to my fundraising page. 

Help me help others

Pay it forward.

No one should ever face cancer alone.

With your help, no one will.

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Interview on BBC radio program World Have Your Say

BBC World Have Your Say Interview with The Cancer Warrior Dec 16,2011 from Cancer Warrior on Vimeo.

I was honored and humbled to be requested by the BBC to speak about "The Topic of Cancer"  Here is my segment on the program.

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Flip the switch

I had an appointment with the doctor the other day.  My general practioner.  Regular checkup.  My doc always asks about my meds, my moods.  Told her sometimes I feel down. Yeah I get depressed.

Sometimes I can snap out of it pretty easily, sometimes I can't.

This was one of those times I couldn't.

I wish I could figure out what brings my mood down.

Some days it seems like it comes out of nowhere, and suddenly I am deeply entrenched in emotions that make no sense to me, but sometimes they do.

It can come in waves, like one moment I am fine the next I am not.

Its worse when your alone, or at night, when there is nothing but your own thoughts surrounding you.

I guess its no wonder that it is hard for me to fall asleep because when I feel this way all I do is think about the things that bother me, or what is upsetting me.

The thing that really gets to me is how I can be fine, then just feel totally steeped in it.

Its inexplicable really, unless you have been there, and if you are reading this I hope you never have been.

I recall one of the times that I felt the worst was right before the carcinista had passed.  That was end of April early May of this year.  I was at a friends house apologizing for the way I had acted, another wonderful thing about this mental condition of mine, I have a tendency to lash out at people that I care about, do and say shit that is totally out of character for me.  I don't recall exactly what the conversation was about but I know I was in a dark place and I felt utterly lost.

Its not something you can just snap out of.

So I try to make sense of it all. Figure out what gets me down.

Ultimately I have no idea.

Right now I am feeling pretty fucking good, and man I love this feeling,

The feeling I had before cancer, before Sept 18, 2007.

Then I wonder when my brain chemistry is going to go askew and flip that switch.

Lyrics from Pink's song Perfect:

You're so mean, 
When you talk, about yourself,
 you were wrong, 
Change the voices in your head
make them like you instead  


If only it was as easy as the song makes it out to be.

I will continue on the fight against my own mind, when the depression hits, when the switch is flipped, I gotta find the right trigger to put it back.

Until then I will continue to advocate, blog about it,try to destigmatize it.

That's the only thing I can do.


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Hockey Fights Cancer night at Joe Louis Arena

I had Bekki Nill on my podcast last year.  She is the wife of the Assistant General Manager of the Detroit Red Wings.  She is also a breast cancer survivor.  She invited me to the Hockey Fights Cancer night at the Joe Louis Arena.  Every hockey team has a HFC night.  It is " a joint initiative founded in December 1998 by the National Hockey League and the National Hockey League Players' Association to raise money and awareness for hockey's most important fight."   That is off of NHL.com.  Needless to say I am happy that the NHL sees the need for more funding going towards cancer, and if you can catch a hockey game in the process, well then I am all for it.

It was my first professional sports game I had been to since diagnosis, and the first game I had seen in a suite since I moved from California to Michigan.

Watching the teams warm up made me want to get on the ice and skate.  I hadn't played since March, and there is just something about the sport of hockey that speaks to me in a way that nothing else does.

Watching the game from the suite was an amazing experience.  As I sat there watching the game, the players, I felt good.  Better than I had in a long time.  I think my friend Ashley (another cancer survivor)  and I were the only ones into the game, and I get really into the game.

I honestly and truly appreciate Bekki Nill's invitation to Hockey Fights Cancer night at the Joe.  Probably more than she realizes.



The Red Wings helped me fight cancer.

Hockey helped me fight cancer.


And it still helps me now through survivorship.

As I think of that night and look through the goodie bag full of stuff I will always be grateful to the Wings, and especially to Bekki, and her husband John for what they have given me, not the autographed Lidstrom puck or the pink hat with the Winged Wheel.  

But for something more. 


They keep me skating, and advocating.

Hockey really does fight cancer.

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Humor Rocks and Laughter heals

Having cancer isn't funny.  Everyone knows that.  It's a serious disease that takes so much from so many.

I have been blessed with a wicked sense of humor.  I get that from my Dad.  I remember when I was meeting with the surgeon to discuss my course of treatment I never thought I was going to die.  I thought wait, one year of treatment would mean no hockey!  Not usually something you think about when faced with a disease like cancer.

Humor and sports.  That's what got me through my treatment and still does through survivorship.  I remember someone who hadn't seen me for a while saw me while I was going through treatment and commented on how great I looked.  Since I was working out so hard for hockey season the docs said I didn't lose as much weight and went through treatment better than most.  I said "Cancer is the best diet I ever had!"  Some of those around me were shocked by what I said.  But I know that my sense of humor was going to get me through this.

That is why I love Save the Ta-tas and their message.  It makes me laugh, it brings awareness, and they donate proceeds to various charitable organizations.  Did you know that they have donated $690,0000 to charity to date?  This means that your purchase can help others.  Find out more on the Save the ta-tas site.

Because of the generosity of  Julia Fikse of Save the ta-tas I was able to pick out a shirt and one of my readers will win it. (just post a comment why you like the ta-tas brand) I am hoping that the sense of humor will help you through your survivorship as it did mine. 

Imagine a world without cancer.

I can.

Can you?

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Enforcer

Hockey teams are like family.  We protect each other on and off the ice.   Many people think hockey is nothing but a boxing match on ice. To those people I say lace em up and see why you are wrong.

This has been a sad year for hockey.  Not only with the tragic loss of KHL Locomotiv team from a devastating plane crash, but two hockey players (Wade Belak and  Richard Rypien) took their own lives because of (assumingly) their battle with depression.

I subscribe to Sports Illustrated.  No surprise there to anyone I am sure.

Reading Brian Cazenueve's article about the deaths of 3 NHL players, in a few months, and the fact that they were all enforcers, it made me sad.  The fact that Mr. Cazenueve said that "A third untimely death may spur the NHL to take another look at 'place in the game"


Fighting.

Hmm.

Fighting has its place in hockey.  I am not one to disagree with that.  I do however disagree that the NHL should look at fighting as the root cause of these players tragic demise.

I battle depression.  I hate the word suffer, but yeah sometimes I do.  Mental illness still has a stigma attached to it.

Now imagine you are a tough guy in the NHL.  Would it be easy to tell someone that you are depressed?

I can tell you it wasn't for me, and I consider myself to be a strong person.

Not as physically strong as a professional hockey player, but strong nonetheless.

I kicked cancers ass, and continue to do so in this blog, and on my podcast.

But the hardest battles are the ones that others can't see.

My friend said to me recently:

Sometimes the scariest place is inside your own head


Maybe the NHL should focus on helping players from the inside out, not worry about players dropping the gloves.

Hockey teams are like a  family, and even though I am not in the NHL, or even close to being anywhere near a professional player, I am ok at best, I will drop the gloves for anyone battling depression or any other mental illness.

Even you.

Wanna go?




Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 9am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.