Survivorship and Depression

I was recently on the PBS series "A Wider World" to talk about my cancer survivorship. Here is a segment they filmed about my battle with depression.

What its like to survive

Another guest blogger. Enjoy.

What’s it like to survive? Have you or someone you really care about ever survived something that could have changed things forever?

Being a survivor sets you apart from other people in that you have a totally different view on things after “surviving”. No, I am not suggesting that we survivors are better than other people or anything like that; after all it’s friends and family who helped us survive, bring us through the hard times, and stand behind us as we continue on our journey. In a way, they survived too and are a part of the survival team. Think about it, a mom having to watch her child go through treatments for cancer? When that’s all over, you better believe she feels like a survivor also!

Survivors of car wrecks, wars and other diseases all know that they have, for some reason, been given a second chance; and I’d like to think that second chance, was not by “chance” exactly. Now my next comment is not to just show my fascination with conspiracy theories and secret clubs like the “Skull and Bones”, but I would like to think of survivors as being in their own little club too. (Unfortunately, we don’t rule the world though!)

As a survivor, first and foremost, we realize that we are temporary. No matter how great things are today and at this moment, we know that it can all change in an instant. We carry this attitude with us at all times. Whether we are at the Christmas party hanging out with friends and cutting up (break dancing in some cases), or at home relaxing with our families, our survival and what “could” and “could have” happened is always tucked away within us. We know that the unthinkable does not just happen to “other people.”

Now, this all shouldn’t read as the “poor little survivors”, because we are not “poor little survivors”; we are “blessed little survivors.” We now have a new appreciation for the smallest things, for all kinds of people that enter our life; we now take the time. That’s what it’s like to survive!

Ryan Hamner is a 4-time survivor of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and a singer-songwriter who travels performing and speaking to those affected by cancer. Please check out his new song, “Survivors Survive” online at http://www.hearthehearttour.com and learn about his community for cancer survivors at http://www.2surviveonline.com .

Transformation, turning points and clarity in life.

A guest post from Mr. Wonderful

Well here we are, coming close to the end of September. Have you heard? It's Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month! There's a lot to know about ovarian cancer and cancer awareness in general. But, I would like to share something a little different today. Two stories about how ovarian cancer has change my life: the first, about my wife, Sarah Sadtler Feather (1971-2011); and the second about me – after losing my wife. Both stories are about transformation, turning points and clarity in life.

Sarah – Rock climbing at Estes Park, Colorado with First Descents, September 2010

 

A year ago, Sarah ventured to Estes Park, Colorado to attend a rock climbing program through First Descents, an outdoor adventure program offered to young adult cancer fighters/survivors that is designed to enable a defiance of cancer, a reclamation of life and a connection with others doing the same.

Rock climbing was definitely not in Sarah's standard repertoire. As a matter of fact, she'd never even tried it. She was scared, but intrigued. I know she was also excited for the opportunity to check off a new item on the bucket list. 

During her five-day trip, she experienced two incredible personal transformation points. Both would remain a part of her to her last day. One would give her strength. The other would ultimately take her life. 

It all started with the elevation. At close to 9,000 feet above sea level, the air's a lot thinner than where we live outside of Boston, MA. Ovarian cancer had raided her body, and Sarah knew her lungs were already getting weaker as metastases were taking hold, ever so slowly. Going to the gym was becoming harder, but she still went three or four times a week. In Colorado, the higher elevation made her feel like someone was sitting on her chest. Fatigue had been a part of her daily existence for more than 4 years, but now it took an even deeper hold. Suddenly the idea of rock climbing, an energy/oxygen-intensive activity, was terrifying. 

She called me via Skype every night from her bunkroom. Often in tears, exhausted, frustrated and deeply disappointed, she would say how hard things were. She felt like a failure. I did my best to listen and to be supportive. But I'm sure I also gave too much advice, reminding her of how amazing she was and of her wonderful accomplishments.

But Sarah's struggle at Estes Park is what gave her a new strength. While she had already been through hell and back with numerous major surgeries, an ileostomy, chemotherapy more times than I can count, depression and more, this new challenge was powerful and exciting.

With help from her fellow campers and the amazing staff and volunteers at First Descents, Sarah was able to complete climbs, stand at the top, see the views and embrace her successes. Something about the physical experience of climbing a giant rock face, while others cheered her on, let her find a new strength, a deep vigor that would guide her to meet her goals in Colorado, and, later, would guide her at home as she completed her journey of life.  

When she returned home at the end of the week, she was different. She knew something she had not known before: the end was coming. Nothing could stop it. It was simply a matter of time. Her lungs where getting worse. She could feel it and knew it was time to help people understand.

But, she also had this new sense of strength, combined with hope and a deep, profound love for life. She shared this with me, with our boys, our family and friends. As she moved closer to the end, she encouraged me to live my life to the fullest, to keep going, to be strong for myself and our kids, and simply to remember her and her love in the best ways I could. And in her deepest, giving way, she especially wanted me to love again.

I don't think she knew it at the time (maybe not even when she died), but she was to become a shining beacon - one that would teach so many about life, about death, about love, about courage, about living to the fullest extent we are able.

(You can read her Estes Park story in the following three posts: “Catching My Breath”, “Looking for Footholds” and “Storming the Castle”.)

Ed – New experiences - dating in Boston, MA, Summer 2011

I felt good, but nervous. We'd been talking all night about life, people, places and experiences. Few were shared between the two of us, but the many similarities and differences created some wonderful contrasts. 

The woman sitting across from me was a natural beauty. She was quite stunning with a gentle, beautiful face and long, flowing hair. If she wore makeup, it was very little, and clearly not needed.

Leaning forward, I asked, "What are you looking for in a partner? What do you want?"

"I want to be known," she said, gazing back across the table. I sensed a deeper meaning, but wasn't sure I fully appreciated the significance of her statement.

"Do you mean you want someone who understands you?" I asked, hesitantly. 

Her response was deliberate and pointed. "No, I want to be known." She paused, looked at me and then went on. "Lots of my friends understand me. But none... know me.  I want to be known."  

"Wow," I thought. This was so conceptual, and so far from what I might have expected a woman to say when describing what she wanted in a man or relationship. Her tone was serious, but there was something else. Perhaps a hint of sadness. Clearly something she had pondered, and perhaps had wanted for a long time.

"That takes a long time." I said. "You can only really, truly know someone by spending a lot of time together." 

She gave a slight nod. "Mmm" she said, mouth closed, with a hint of a smile.

That she said "I want to be known" was not as surprising to me as was the depth and importance of her statement. This idea was of a kind that, once implanted, remains active, repeatedly asking for ponderance. I went home that night with my mind hunting for a connection to my own life experience, searching for personal understanding. Of course this raised thoughts of Sarah.

Sarah and I were together for 18 years. She was my wife, my best friend, my love, the mother of my kids, my muse. I was hers. In our shared experience we touched the depths of each other’s souls. We knew each other so profoundly, so completely that our love felt infinite. Our trust was implicit and complete right up to her very last breath of life. 

I held Sarah in my arms as she died. Ovarian cancer had won. As she slipped away and fell limp in my arms I felt my soul shudder. Our love and trust and knowledge had been so complete. Now they were shattered. She was gone. 

I do believe the knowledge we shared will remain in me for the remainder of my days. I will always remember our love, our friendship and all she did for me. She wanted me to move on and be able to live a full life, and she encouraged me to love again.

So now, as I think of my date's statement: "I want to be known."  I think I may fully understand her meaning. And, I agree. I also want to be known... again.

Cancer awareness. Every month. Every year.

I have some strong thoughts on this subject and have posted them at Carcinista.com. Cancer awareness is important. What is even more important, and could have saved the life of my dear Sarah, is to go see your doctor if you are not feeling well. Don't shrug it off. Get it checked out. Be specific. Make sure they know how you feel. Make sure to get a second opinion if you don't feel like they are taking you seriously. YOU are the only one who truly knows your body.

Be well.

Mr. Wonderful

Fractured

I have an oncology appointment next week.   I think it has been at least six months since my last one.  I am wondering if I should be more nervous than I am.  Haven't really had any scanxiety for the last few visits, but I have as I have written about before dealing with depression. 

I was wondering when my slow spiraling descent downward  started.  Blogging is a good way for me to remind myself of what has happened to me before, during and after treatment.

I think it started 7 months ago, I wrote a blog called Outbreak, about how I was dealing with 4 instances of cancer with deaths, recurrances and a good friends memorial service. I am really surprised that I didn't see it coming.  I knew I was upset at that point, but to get to where I got a few weeks ago was very slow.  Add the fact that more people passed from cancer that I had met in person or online (Mandi Schwartz, Sara Feather) its not surprising I was an emotional trainwreck.

I tend to ignore the signs, because I think I can handle it.  We all think that don't we? Doesn't matter what life throws at you, the saying goes if God brings you to it He will bring you through it, or something like that.  Apparently in my case not without prescription medication.

I believe that the hockey season kept me from going into a quicker downward descent.  Extreme physical exercise and being back on the ice after so long felt so good.  But it didn't and couldn't help everything that was going on in my head.  

Great, my body tries to kill me, I survive that, then my mind turns on me too.  I really don't want to ask what could possibly be next, because cancer was scary, not being in control of my thoughts and moods was even scarier.  

I feel bad for some people that I hurt.  I have apologized, they accepted.  But still.  To not be yourself for so long and to not see it, and have the changes be so minute that others don't notice it as well?

I got mad at a friend of mine for a stupid reason. It wasn't just mad.  There were some days that I couldn't stand being in the same room.  I believe because I was in that place and I was mad at her I unwittingly channeled my negative energy and anger towards her.  Unfortunately for her she was an easy target.  

I didn't realize this until after The Carcinista passed away.  I was consumed by anger and depression and I didn't see it for months. Or I ignored it, thinking it was nothing and it would go away.

After recording The Carcinista's interview I texted my friend:  I am thinking we should get together next week and talk in person and hash out this issue we have...  I was coming off of a cold and I didn't want to spread germs to anyone else.  She agreed, she had the same idea in mind.

May 3rd was when we agreed to meet.  Looking back at that day and that talk I had with her I was then end of my emotional rope, with no knot to tie on the end.  I really don't recall what was said in the conversation (part depression, part chemobrain)  wasn't sure I still wanted to be friends and left.

Then I found out that Sarah had passed.  

Its amazing what it takes to make you realize whats important. For so long you can obsess about the stupidest shit possible and be pissed and then something like that smacks reality back into your life.  Again I texted (my preferred mode of conversation these days) my friend.  Told her that life is too short for this BS.  Told her about the carcinista, well not everything, just that a friend had passed, and that I needed time.

Eventually we sorted everything out.  I can't say if things will be back to where they were.   Only time will tell.  But I do realize now that I have to be more mindful of myself and get pissed or sad at a non response to a text or an unreturned email. (yeah that was some of the stuff that bugged me, SERIOUSLY!!)  Getting upset at an unreturned text?  Still wonder why I didn't see this coming.  Must have been the lack of neuro-epi seritonin or whatever chemicals in my brain are over or under used.  

It took a while but I figured it out.  Only took about 7 months.  Never thought I was that slow of a learner.

Jean Paul Sartre said  Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

The Carcinista figured it out.  I am envisioning her smiling down upon me.  

Happy that I finally figured it out too.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com
Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Drowning in your own thoughts

May is mental health awareness month.  I find it ironic that I asked my doctor to up my anti depressant dosage during this month.  Things have been in a downward spiral for about a month.  I can't put my finger on what the trigger was for it.  Just stress I guess.

I should be happy!  I survived cancer.

Kicked its ass actually, and continue to kick it with my advocacy.

Then why am I so damned depressed?

Freedictionary defines depression as: Psychology A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. Also called clinical depression

Great.  I survived cancer now I have a psychiatric disorder.

It's not really that uncommon for cancer survivors to be depressed.  I don't have exact numbers or graphs or charts but I know I am not the only one.

Although sometimes it feels that way.

I know I have been avoiding dealing with this for some time.  I'm supposed to be strong right?  I'm the one people lean on.  A friend of mine told me that he doesn't know how I can deal with everything I deal with, that I must have armadillo skin.

The signs were all there.  Avoidance, sadness, loss of interest etc.  I chose to ignore them, or maybe I thought it was different this time.

I was wrong.

Its hard to explain to someone who doesn't deal with this what its like.  It sucks because its not something you can control.

I tried to explain to a friend of mine about this.  I said I was dealing with this depression, and that it wasn't going to be easy dealing with me, that I may get upset or angry for no reason.  She said she understood.
But I could tell she really didn't.

Trying to explain to someone what this feels like is like shooting rubberbands at the stars.  You can try but it wont reach.  Unless you have know what this feels like its hard to explain.

Your head tells you one thing that your heart knows isn't true:
No one else feels like this, no one can help me, I feel lost.

Obviously none of those are true, but when you are within that moment, drowning in a sea of your own thoughts that is what it feels like.

Depression can handcuff you too.  Makes it hard to do your job and live your life.  Sometimes its a struggle just to make it through the day without wanting to just curl up in a ball and go to sleep, or feel like you are on pins and needles the whole day.

The passing of The Carcinista was a definitely a huge blow.  I am not even sure how I got through that week at work.

So if you saw me the first week of May I wasn't myself.
Realizing that was hard.

Asking for help was harder.

I know I am taking steps in the right direction to get back on track, back to myself.
It could be a slow process, or a quick one.

Either way I am glad I know I am getting better.


Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com
Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Uncomfortably Numb

I had read a blog post by my friend Sarah, also known as  The Carcinista, that she had decided to forgo treatment and choose quality of life over quantity.  She has been battling stage 3c ovarian cancer on and off since 2006.  The cancer metastasized to her lungs.  She decided that she didn't want to do more taxol, which makes you lose your hair.  She wants to leave this world with her hair.  Can't say I blame her on that one.  I hated being bald.

So I thought it would be interesting to have her on my podcast.  Not really knowing if she would want to share her story with me.  Its one thing to write about it in the comfort of your own home, its another talking about it.  Sounds kind of weird I know, but since I have been on both sides of the microphone I understand how weird it is to talk about yourself.  Luckily Sarah said yes.

As I listened to her story it reminded me how she was a part of the Inner Tough Girls 12 weeks of transformation, as was I.   I was going through a rough time emotionally during those 12 weeks and I have to say I wasn't the easiest person to deal with  (sorry Angella)  but was grateful for meeting the women in the group. 

Being a cancer survivor/advocate you get caught up in forums, discussions, advocacy, your own survivorship etc.  As some one who has a good prognosis for survival I try not to think about my own mortality.  I did that during treatment.  As survivors we always have that word recurrance on our minds.  In my case it has been shut in the back of my mind.  Not something I think about.

So was surprised about The Carcinista's post.  I know she has been battling ovarian cancer on and off for a while but whenever I read about friends who make the decision to stop treatment it is always shocking to see. 

You always think: WHAT?  Keep fighting!! Don't give up!!

But its not about that is it? 

When you have done all you can, exhausted every option, every treatment, every clinical trial.  EVERYTHING.

When you know that you have fought all you could and now its about quantity vs quality of life. 

 Would you rather spend what you know to be your last remaining days on chemo being bald, feeling like shit, possibly not wanting to be around your family because you have that chemo haze surrounding you?


Or would you want to spend every last waking moment with them, knowing that every day is one day closer to not being with them anymore.

Its a hard decision to make for anyone.  Especially someone with two young children.

As I listened to Sarah tell her story I heard the labored breathing.  I knew it would get harder for her to speak to her husband, to her kids. 

It was hard to listen to, not because her story wasn't interesting, but because as survivors when something like this happens to a friend you can picture it happening to you.  It is one of those surreal circumstances that happens when you are a survivor. 

After I left the studio I called Angella and told her about Sarah's podcast.  Angella had not been online in a while she did not read Sarah's post. 

So I had the dubious honor of telling her about Sarah's choice, while hard, sadly I know she had made the right decision.

After listening to the podcast and informing Angella about Sarah's decision I went home.  Not even knowing what I was feeling. 

How can I be happy for someone who is going to die? 

And why the fuck did I have to be the bearer of bad news?

Now I know in the end, as my good friend Don Wilhelm would have said. "It is what it is"

True

But it still sucks.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

OMG Summit 2011 Cancertastic wrap up

Last weekend I was I was able to go to a cancer summit for young adult survivors. To be a young adult survivor you would have been diagnosed when you were age 15-40.  The event was put on by my good friend Matt Zachary, founder of the I'm Too Young For This Foundation.  I really didn't know what to expect.  I haven't been to any events that focuses on young adult survivors and the specific issues that we deal with.

I have to say this:

It was a life changing experience.

Now I have been to many cancer events before, I have been invited to speak and participate at many. 

But nothing had an impact on me like this.

Being in a room of over 350 young adult survivors was amazing.  It didn't matter what type of cancer they had, how old they were.  We all feel the same. 

It was nice for one weekend to not have to try to dance around the cancer subject or try to explain to someone why I feel the way I feel.

I also met many of my online friends in real life.  Many of the people who I have had on my podcast.  It was awesome to meet in person Jonny Imerman, Tamika Felder, Patti Murillo-Casa and many friends who I had only spoken to via computer or text or phone.

Knowing all of these people put me totally at ease, and being in a room of 350 plus strangers could be daunting for anyone, but it wasn't.  I think even if I had only met Matt I still would have been comfortable this element.

One of the great things was that almost all of the people speaking at the summit have the same mindset as I do:

You need to empower yourself as a patient.

You need to be your own advocate.

No matter how you feel, you are not alone.

I knew all of that was true.  I just didn't realize how many others felt the same way.

If you are a young adult survivor this is the event to go to.

Prepare yourself now Vegas, because OMG summit 2012 will descend upon you.

Vegas will never be the same.

And for that I am grateful.


Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Road Trippin'

  

 I had 2 doctors visits in one week.  That is unusual for me lately.  Both were routine follow ups from oncology and radiation oncology.  I didn't have the usual scanxiety that I usually have.  I had a mammogram just a month before and everything was normal, so I naturally assumed that neither doc would find any problems.

I like to drive.  Everywhere.  I drive more than Doug.  When I lived in LA that was part of my job, driving to set, from editorial to one of the post houses, mix stages etc. Most people get totally stressed in rush hour on the 101, the Hollywood Freeway.  I find it relaxing.  Yeah your not moving, but you can clear your mind and focus.

I would always drive to my doctor appointments, chemo, radiation, I think I even drove to surgery.  Most of the time after chemo I wasn't in any shape to drive, the drugs would knock me out (and no I didn't drive after my lumpectomy surgery, but apparently I called several people to tell them I was ok while I was still heavily medicated.  Wonder if that audio is still around.)

Monday I drove to the oncologist.  Driving to the hospital for what I knew would be a routine follow up brought a flood of memories to me.  Why I don't know.  I thought about the routine I would have for the day.  I would get my blood drawn out of my port at about 9am.  Hated that goddamn port. Looked like a fucking bottlecap under my skin, and it would hurt sometimes when I moved a certain way.   Go to work and produce The Vic McCarty Show for 2 hours, drive home.  Put lidocaine on my port and cover it with plastic wrap so it wouldn't rub off.  Lidocaine numbs the area.  I would see the oncologist.  he would go over my blood counts to make sure I was strong enough to do the chemo, then it was a short walk to the infusion center.  There were a couple of times that I forgot to put Lidocaine on my port and when they jabbed the syringe in me for the chemo  it hurt like hell for the entire treatment, which lasted anywhere from 1-3 hours, depending upon the meds.

I thought about how much I had been through.  Sometimes I can't believe it.  Its only been 3 years but it also feels like a lifetime ago.  I thought about how much Doug has been there for me. Every chemo, every radiation.  During chemo I would fall asleep  because of the meds and he would go to the cafeteria to get something to eat for himself.  He would come back with Lays potato chips for me.  They made me feel better when I was done.  I would groggily walk to the exit of the cancer center and Doug would get the car and pull it up so I wouldn't have to walk too far. 

During the drive to the doctor I wondered why I wasn't nervous or scared.  Was it because I was just too busy with work and advocacy?  Maybe I have just gotten to a place where I know I am going to be ok, and as my friend Donald Wilhelm would say "It is what it is." 

No its neither one of those things.  I don't know why the appointments didn't bother me.  I still don't.  It makes no sense.

Cancer still affects me.  Well the side effects do anyway.  The neuropathy that went away now comes and goes.  Like I need a fucking reminder that I had cancer.  It frustrates me that I still have it.  That when sometimes when I am doing pilates I can't feel my toes or part of my foot.  Kind of hard to focus on the poses and breathing when you aren't even sure where your foot it.  I know its where it should be.  I just can't fucking feel it.  Frustrating when the instructor asks you to move a part of your foot and you have no clue if you are or not.

And the damn depression.

Of all the side effects I have had I wish I could trade that one for something else, like you used to to with marbles or baseball cards when you were a kid? 

Hey I'll trade you depression for insomnia or chemobrain.

Shit.  I have both of those too. 

Nevermind..

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes

In Response to NY Times article "Think About Pink"

So the creator of project boobies emailed me a link to a NY Times article recently.  About this survivor who was complaining about the pink ribbon on everything.  To that I can relate.  Everything seemed to have a pink ribbon on it.  I get that, in October the ribbon was everywhere.  That is the only part of the article I can agree upon.
Paraphrasing, she said that the pink ribbon was on everything and it promoted "awareness."

Then she said this,
"The experience of actual women with cancer, women like Rollin, Black, Ford and Rockefeller — women like me — got lost."

Uh what?

So I put on a Save the Tatas shirt or a Project boobies that takes away from your experience with cancer?

She says "Sassy retail campaigns have sprung up everywhere, purporting to “support the cause.”
Ok so as a writer shouldn't you check facts?

In the photo for the blog I am PROUDLY wearing a projectboobies shirt for a tv interview, one that she was complaining about in the article to be sassy and purporting to "support the cause."

Sorry Ms. Orenstein, it does support the cause.

Have you heard of Kokolulu?  A free retreat for cancer survivors in Hawaii.  A portion of project boobies proceeds goes to fund the retreat.  THE FREE RETREAT.

As for Save The TaTas, a company I am familiar with, a company who, whenever I ask for t shirts for a fundraiser or a group the owner Julie Fikse donates to me without question, has according to their website donated $535,000 towards ending breast cancer.

Sorry that diminishes your battle.

 Sorry that Kris Carr, survivor and author of Crazy Sexy Cancer bothers you with her positive message.

Does it diminish the battle of the 52 year old survivor who asked my friend for a save the tatas shirt, knowing that she got it from me?  Does it diminish the fact that the doctors didn't give her much time to live. 

I say No.

Most of the breast cancer survivors I know are in their 20's and 30's so I would instead of wearing as you would want me to a “I ❤ My 72-Year-Old One-Boobied Granny t shirt instead of the tatas or projectboobies shirt I would wear my  I ❤ My 27 yr old friend who is a college student and a young adult breast cancer survivor

Because I do.

And a pink ribbon on toilet paper doesn't diminish the battle or the stories of my friends Lani, Angella or Ann, who are survivors, bloggers, and advocates (and Ann at this time is facing a recurrance)


Seeing a pink ribbon everywhere doesn't diminish my battle. It only fuels my fire to advocate for ALL CANCERS  even more.   I maintained a positive outlook while battling cancer and depression at the same time.  I guess I just prefer to live my life positively, even while staring in the face of my own mortality.

No survivor I have ever heard say cancer is fun.

We all know it sucks.

Wrap that up in a pink ribbon. 

Mel is the producer of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com. Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Fearless????

I was planning on writing a blog about something else unrelated to this topic.  This one gets every survivor.

I was having a great day.  Just did a great radio interview. Had an awesome lunch with the crew from work.  My internet still isnt' working at home so I decided to check facebook on my phone.

Thats when I saw the post


Bad News.

My cancer is back.

Nothing sends shock waves through you like hearing or reading that.  Recurrance.  The scariest word a survivor can hear.

I posted something on her wall.  I told her I would help her out in any way I can.  I can't help her out financially.  Financially I am the Titanic and the iceberg is my debt.  Cant seem to steer clear of it.  I can help her emotionally.  Listen to her.  She is far away.  I can't hug her, or be there in person for her.  That makes me sad.

Quite frankly what she is going through scares the hell out of me.

A friend of mine recently called me fearless.

Now you know the one thing I fear the most.

Mel is the producer of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com 

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Legacy

I lost a good friend on Monday. Found out about it the next day.  Figures the one day I decided to stay off the internet.  It was hard to learn that Don Wilhelm had passed away from a long battle with cancer.  Found out about it during The Vic McCarty Show.  Hard to do a live radio broadcast when you find out that news.  Hard to do much of anything.  Even the pilates class I had that day did little for me.


I can't even remember how Don & I met.   Probably through stupid cancer or Matt Zachary.  I was one of the people who he asked to review his book for a virtual blog tour.  I have to say his sense of humor is a lot like mine.  It was like I was reading something I had lived through.  People say stupid shit to you when you have cancer.  He wrote it all down.  Told it like it was.  It was funny and real.  It is the best book I have read about what its like to have cancer.

I was lucky enough to meet Don & his wife Amy in real life, he ironically is from the town I live in now.  We would chat on facebook and twitter.  We talked about survivorship, life etc. 


The last time I saw him was in July.  I am grateful that my fiance got to meet him.  We went out to The Pancake House in Bay Harbor.  He gave me some of his books to pass out to survivors who listen to my podcast or who I meet in person. 

When I noticed he wasn't on facebook that much I emailed Amy and asked how he was.  She said he was tired of fighting.  This was his final  facebook post:

I’ve filled my original goal here on earth. It was to spend the remainder of my life helping cancer patients. It seems to be where I found the greatest joy and the most sense of worth. I’m moving up into the next roll. I’ll leave my faithful followers to slip in and fill the gaps. Love to you all and positive energy, ...Don Wilhelm (Don entered into Hospice care as of Weds.)

  

When I read that post, whether you realized it or not, I know you were talking directly to me.

I wanted to wait a while before I wrote something about my friend, but I couldn't wait.  The day I found out you passed away my friend was sad.  It was a beautiful sunny day up north in the place you love so much, but somehow it seemed so dark and lonely.  Without you here with us the days seem a little less sunny, the stars seem to shine a little less brightly and the world seems sadder and smaller.   

I know that you would smile at me with that easy carefree smile of yours and say "Hey Mel, it is what it is."

I know that Don.

But I miss my friend

Its (fill in cancer type) awareness month

Its September.  Its Prostate, Ovarian, Childhood, Thryoid & Gynecological awareness month.  Everyone grab your ribbon color of choice and wear it proudly.  

I am a breast cancer survivor, we get a month, and pink is plastered everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE, it sells everything from hair brushes (ironic since most breast cancer survivors lose their hair) to tuna fish and toilet paper (Wipe for the cure??)   

So I go into the grocery store and do shopping as I usually do and I don't see any thing yellow or teal or blue promoting childhood, ovarian or prostate cancer awareness.  Why is that?  My cancer isn't any more or less important than any other cancer survivor.  The only thing I have seen on tv or in the stores was a Hyundai commercial stating that they would donate a certain percentage of car sales to childhood cancer awareness.

At least someone is doing something right?

I consider myself a cancer advocate, not just for breast cancer, but for all cancers, even if it is one I can't pronounce or have never heard of.  Its ridiculous in my opinion to give cancers certain months.  I was diagnosed in September, cancer didn't wait for its allotted month to strike me.  Cancer doesn't do that. Those of us who have been diagnosed know that.

 We shouldn't wait until a certain month to raise awareness for any type of cancer, and the whole cancer awareness thing really gets me, is there anyone anywhere who isn't aware that there is cancer?  If I buy chicken of the sea with a pink ribbon on it the money should go towards research, helping other survivors, finding a cure, finding better meds to deal with the cancer, not for awareness. 

During the Cancer Treatment Centers of America Empowerment Rally I was fortunate to meet in person, after being a I guess for lack of a better term a" friend in the virtual world" Matthew Zachary, founder or I'm Too Young for This!  a foundation that helps young adult survivors.  We shared a ride to the airport and we were discussing cancer "awareness" Basically he said we should think of the body as a whole, not as parts, all the organizations should help each other.  I totally agree.  Yeah, you might think breasts are sexy and they sell, but if you don't have the lungs behind them to work or the brain to think  or skin, then what are they?  Just another body part with cancer.

So yeah for me every month is cancer awareness/advocacy month.  Until there is a cure.

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand and on Itunes.

Help Beat the Clock on Cervical Cancer

Another Guest Blogger Enjoy

In October of 2008, I was diagnosed with Stage IIB cervical cancer, a couple of months after retiring from the NYPD. After a long and tough journey of radiation and chemotherapy treatments, I was cleared by my doctor in May 2009. May 5, 2010 marked my first year of remission and I am hoping for many more. Cancer changed my life; I thank God for my second shot at life as my priorities have changed and I am proud to call myself a cervical cancer survivor.



In September 2009, I did a cervical cancer walk (Walk to beat the clock, organized by non-profit Tamika & Friends). At the walk, I found inspiration in seeing so many cervical cancer survivors telling their stories to help other women understand that through awareness and prevention, this disease can be entirely eliminated. So, I joined the movement and now I am the President of Tamika & Friends’ New York City Chapter. Tamika & Friends is a national non-profit organization dedicated to raising awareness about cervical cancer and its link to the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV). It was founded in 2005 by cervical cancer survivor and advocate Tamika Felder.


On September 25, Tamika & Friends is having their 3rd annual NYC Walk to Beat the Clock to help beat the clock on cervical cancer. We want to publicly celebrate women who have survived, remember those who have lost their battle, support those who fight cervical cancer today and educate women on how to prevent a cervical cancer diagnosis all together!


Cervical Cancer is almost 100% preventable, yet 11 women die each day from this disease. I do not want any other woman to go through what I did and become another statistic. I am committed to the eradication of cervical cancer along with Tamika & Friends.


Patti Murillo-Casa

Cervical Cancer Survivor

President, NYC Chapter, Tamika & Friends

Exercise and the Cancer Patient – All You Need to Know

Another Guest Blogger Enjoy

It’s a horrible disease, one that makes you suffer even if lets you live. No one can claim to know what a cancer patient goes through unless they’ve had some form of this dreaded disease as well. The shock of the initial diagnosis, the pain of the chemotherapy and radiation therapy, the loss of dignity and control over your life, the fear of suffering and eventual death – the list of agonies goes on and on when it comes to cancer. Even survivors are battle-scarred – they’ve lost so much of their life and sometimes even lose the will to fight the disease even though they’re over the worst of it, simply because they feel too exhausted mentally and physically.


However, exercise helps make a significant difference in the lives of cancer patients; whether they’re part of the rehab procedure or a regular part of the survivor’s life, workout routines provide them with:

• An increase in strength: When you’ve been ill for a while, your muscles atrophy and your limbs and joints become stiff and clumsy. You find that you stumble when you walk and that even the most simple chores and activities are now strenuous exercises. When you exercise so that your muscles and joints become stronger and more nimble, you feel yourself returning to normal and feeling fine.

• A boost in confidence: Exercise boosts both physical and mental wellbeing; just the fact that you’re able to move your limbs and go through the workout routine your therapist had designed for you is a boost to your confidence because it proves that you’re fighting the disease with all you’ve got and not letting it get you down. When you’re mentally prepared to do all it takes to fight cancer, it makes a huge difference in your ability to recover.

• Lower complications: When you exercise, you reduce the side effects and complications caused by your illness. You don’t suffer from blood clots and bedsores because of being holed up in bed for too long, and your overall health improves even as you battle cancer.

• Overall improvement in health: Exercise helps you sleep better and sometimes even removes the need for pain medication. Your appetite improves and you’re able to eat nutritious food that boosts your heath. And you start to look and feel better as your energy levels go up and you feel stronger than before.

Your physiotherapist will probably give you a range of exercises to go through every day; based on the nature of your illness, it could be passive or intense. Some routines target your ROM (range of movement) – for example, if you’ve had breast cancer and had your lymph nodes removed as part of the surgery, your arms and shoulders are going to feel stiff and heavy. Your therapist will teach you the right exercises so that you’re able to use your arms again without feeling any pain.

Exercise has also proved beneficial in reducing your risk of a relapse – breast and colorectal cancer research has shown that survivors who exercise are less likely to be affected by the disease again. So if you’re affected by cancer and on your way to recovery, don’t forget to include exercise in your arsenal of weaponry when fighting the disease.



This guest post is contributed by Paul Hench, he writes on the topic of  masters in public health. He welcomes your comments at his email id: paul.23hench@gmail.com.

A review of Showtime's The Big c

Hollywood never ceases to amaze me.  I worked there for 10 years in the television industry, working on everything from award shows to movies of the week to sitcoms to drama.  So I know when hollywood creates something like the series The Big c I have to suspend my disbelief (and oh, if you are not a frequent reader of my blog then I will tell you I don't capitalize the word cancer, gives it too much power, so even just the letter c in a title, sorry not going to do it.)


Laura Linney's character Cathy Jameson is told she has stage IV melanoma and only has a year or so to live.  She is in obvious shock and decides to forgo chemo (she doesn't want to lose her hair) and doesn't get a second opinion.  Right, you only have a year to live.  Ok thanks for the news doc, I will take your word for it.  Bye now...

I know many stage IV survivors who were given their "expiration date" by doctors who are still here, past that date,  fighting, alive and kicking. 

In the pilot episode Cathy doesn't tell her husband or her son about her cancer diagnosis.  Some may think this is selfish, but I get this part.  Cancer is scary, and in the midst of a diagnosis it is hard to process anything.  So yeah I understand.  It took me a while to tell people about my diagnosis.  Some people knew right away, others knew later.  For me it was hard to keep telling the story over and over and over again.

Linney's character decides that she needs to start living, she has been an uptight housewife for too long.  She wants to let her freak flag fly (I didn't make that up it was on the showtime site for the show)  I understand she wants to let loose, who wouldn't want to tell people exactly what they think of them, or build a pool in the front yard, ( I live in an apartment complex, so I think the manager would be upset if I started digging up the place)  but it doesn't give you the right to treat people like crap, like telling one of her students she has to be fat and jolly or be the skinny bitch. Sure, like that student wouldn't go straight to the schools administration and tell them what she said.

I felt that her character was very unlikeable at the beginning of the show, and really had few redeeming qualities.  Perhaps the writers felt that this was important so we see her go through her transformation into someone living life to the fullest.

The jury is still out for me on this show.  I try not to make a judgement on a show based upon one episode.  Given the subject matter and the cast, I will continue to watch this hollywood version of cancer, and suspend my disbelief

Mel is the producer~co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.  Available  on demand and also available on Itunes

Done

I wish that is what they would stamp on my cancer chart. DONE. As if you could just stamp something and have it be so like "top secret"  like on NCIS or "case closed," like the CIA does. Sadly that is not the case. I don't think you can ever be done with cancer. Even in remission or not having it for many years, there is always that scanxiety, with every blood test, or scan, or even phone call.

September 18th will be my 3 year cancerversary.  Still can't believe it has been 3 years.

Certain things I remember like they were yesterday.  Other stuff is just a giant chemoblur.  I remember when I was told, obviously, when the surgeon told me my options, when the oncologist said ok we can start chemo next week, I thought, what, already holy shit, give me more than 7 days after I get my port in to process this craziness.

My friends told me that it would be over before I knew it.  I didn't believe them at the time.

This is going to take forever I thought HOW MANY MONTHS WILL I HAVE THIS GODDAMN PORT IN?  How long will I be going through chemo and herceptin, and I have to reschedule my life around an afternoon radiation appointment?  Really?

My friend was right.  Although it didn't seem like it it did go by fast.  Now I watch other people go through similar situations that I did, chemo, surgery radiation, and I see the anger and frustrations in their posts.  I know how they feel, I felt that way too. 

Its hard to explain to my friends that soon this will be a distant memory, that this wont last forever, but when you are in the moment, surrounded by cancer, time stands still.

I will continue to advocate, continue to speak about patient empowerment, continue to share my story, continue to blog.

Until there is a cure.

Only then will I be Done.

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on Itunes

WENG-AM Tampa Morning Magazine interview with Richard Spedaliere 7/21/10

Radio interview on WENG -AM Tampa on the Morning Magazine with Richard Spedaliere.  Talking about all things Cancer Warrior!

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on Itunes

Interview on KSPI-FM Stillwater Radio Oklahoma 7/19/10

Interviewed by Chris Greenert of Stillwater Radio on 7/19/10 talking about all things Cancer Warrior!!

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on Itunes

Cancer Treatment Centers of America Empowerment Rally

Watch live streaming video from cancercenter at livestream.com

The Team

ESPN had an hour special on about where Lebron James was going to play.  An hour.   I didn't watch it but I posted on facebook and twitter about how great it would be if ESPN would donate an hour to Mandi Schwartz, about her plight, and her need to find a donor.  I got responses on facebook that I wasn't expecting. Some people seemed upset about it.  Uh its only one hour, and dude, Lebron decided around 4pm that day where he was going.  They said ESPN is a sports channel (wow now THERE'S breaking news)  That ESPN donates millions of dollars to cancer research through the Jimmy V foundation, which is totally awesome and I applaud them for that.


60 minutes was all I was saying the sports channel could donate to help Mandi, or even 30, in the mere scope of things it isn't that long.  That is about as long as we wait for the doctor, not even including the actual appointment.  It would be cool if any channel would donate an hour or even a half hour to Mandi, but I get it if you donate for one person, should you donate time for all? It could be a slippery slope.

Mandi is a hockey player, like me.  She plays at a collegiate level, ok so not like me.  I would love to share the ice with her and skate with her team, even though I would get seriously schooled by the Yale Women's Hockey team, it would totally rock.

Well now Mandi is on another team.  A team that I joined in Sept 2007 when I was diagnosed with cancer. 

A team I really didn't want to join.

But here I am.

On this team.

I hope Mandi reads this, so she knows she has people like me on her team.  There are people who were on this team before me, and unfortunately will be after me.

Since hockey is a great analogy for fighting cancer, I have just one thing to say to Mandi, and, to anyone on my team, who is on the ice,skating hard, or  battling...

I will drop the gloves for you.

For more info about Mandi: http://www.BecomeMandisHero.net


Mel is the producer of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon on www.wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on Itunes.