Flip the switch

I had an appointment with the doctor the other day.  My general practioner.  Regular checkup.  My doc always asks about my meds, my moods.  Told her sometimes I feel down. Yeah I get depressed.

Sometimes I can snap out of it pretty easily, sometimes I can't.

This was one of those times I couldn't.

I wish I could figure out what brings my mood down.

Some days it seems like it comes out of nowhere, and suddenly I am deeply entrenched in emotions that make no sense to me, but sometimes they do.

It can come in waves, like one moment I am fine the next I am not.

Its worse when your alone, or at night, when there is nothing but your own thoughts surrounding you.

I guess its no wonder that it is hard for me to fall asleep because when I feel this way all I do is think about the things that bother me, or what is upsetting me.

The thing that really gets to me is how I can be fine, then just feel totally steeped in it.

Its inexplicable really, unless you have been there, and if you are reading this I hope you never have been.

I recall one of the times that I felt the worst was right before the carcinista had passed.  That was end of April early May of this year.  I was at a friends house apologizing for the way I had acted, another wonderful thing about this mental condition of mine, I have a tendency to lash out at people that I care about, do and say shit that is totally out of character for me.  I don't recall exactly what the conversation was about but I know I was in a dark place and I felt utterly lost.

Its not something you can just snap out of.

So I try to make sense of it all. Figure out what gets me down.

Ultimately I have no idea.

Right now I am feeling pretty fucking good, and man I love this feeling,

The feeling I had before cancer, before Sept 18, 2007.

Then I wonder when my brain chemistry is going to go askew and flip that switch.

Lyrics from Pink's song Perfect:

You're so mean, 
When you talk, about yourself,
 you were wrong, 
Change the voices in your head
make them like you instead  


If only it was as easy as the song makes it out to be.

I will continue on the fight against my own mind, when the depression hits, when the switch is flipped, I gotta find the right trigger to put it back.

Until then I will continue to advocate, blog about it,try to destigmatize it.

That's the only thing I can do.


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Humor Rocks and Laughter heals

Having cancer isn't funny.  Everyone knows that.  It's a serious disease that takes so much from so many.

I have been blessed with a wicked sense of humor.  I get that from my Dad.  I remember when I was meeting with the surgeon to discuss my course of treatment I never thought I was going to die.  I thought wait, one year of treatment would mean no hockey!  Not usually something you think about when faced with a disease like cancer.

Humor and sports.  That's what got me through my treatment and still does through survivorship.  I remember someone who hadn't seen me for a while saw me while I was going through treatment and commented on how great I looked.  Since I was working out so hard for hockey season the docs said I didn't lose as much weight and went through treatment better than most.  I said "Cancer is the best diet I ever had!"  Some of those around me were shocked by what I said.  But I know that my sense of humor was going to get me through this.

That is why I love Save the Ta-tas and their message.  It makes me laugh, it brings awareness, and they donate proceeds to various charitable organizations.  Did you know that they have donated $690,0000 to charity to date?  This means that your purchase can help others.  Find out more on the Save the ta-tas site.

Because of the generosity of  Julia Fikse of Save the ta-tas I was able to pick out a shirt and one of my readers will win it. (just post a comment why you like the ta-tas brand) I am hoping that the sense of humor will help you through your survivorship as it did mine. 

Imagine a world without cancer.

I can.

Can you?

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Not really much of a choice is it?

Side effects.

The bain of my existance.

I was getting back to feeling like me after I had upped my anti depressant medication.  The new dosage makes me tired. Like I want to nap tired.  Not that naps are a bad thing mind you, but wanting to nap everyday is.

I first thought I was tired because of how early I get up for my job, but medication tired is different than regular tired or lack of sleep tired. 

Frustrating.

Some days its hard dealing with these side effects.  I put cancer out of my head then it creeps back in in these subtle ways.  Being tired from my medication is another reminder.  Fighting to stay awake reminds me.

Its not like I have a choice.  I can't go off of my meds.  I upped my dosage to put me back to normal.  Because I didn't want to spiral downward again. That is a place I do not want to go to. A place I cannot go to.

So I struggle yet again, with an inner battle. Hoping that it will slowly dissipate, and I will be less tired.

Hoping this will be the last side effect I will have to deal with for a while.

Oprah Winfrey said "Where there is no struggle, there is no strength."

Yeah, but I am sick of being so damn strong all the time...



Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Out of your comfort zone

Everything about cancer takes you out of your comfort zone.

When I heard those words "It's cancer"  my life changed forever, for good and for bad.

Bad, well, because cancer sucks, and the treatment and side effects are worse than the disease.

Good because of the friends I have made, the better person I have become, the voice it has given me.

Work recently did a team building day retreat at a local camp.  It had a rock climbing wall and other things that you could climb.  Not something that I would normally do.

I tried the rock wall.  Didn't get very high.  Disappointed in myself that I couldn't climb to the top.  Rock climbing really isn't my thing.

Then I tried climbing up a rope ladder to a beam 30 feet in the air.  Looked easy from the ground.  Halfway up I thought "What the hell was I thinking??"

I made it up to the top, and actually walked across the beam to the other side.  Then yeah you just jump off.  You are well harnessed in.  Bad pr if you get injured on a team building retreat and work at the local radio station.

As I watched my co workers climb, cheer each other on I was reminded of my battle with cancer.  How it takes you completely out of your comfort zone. Into a whole new world that you are not prepared for mentally or physically.  That most of us face challenges we would otherwise would never be subjected to, and how afterwards we do whatever we can to stay strong, whether it be run in marathons, do triathalons, bike races etc.

I walked in a Making Strides walk 11 days after my lumpectomy surgery.


We strive to stay strong, because we know what it is like to feel so weak.

Some of my friends have called me a machine, because I barely stop to take a break.  I do my radio job, then I usually exercise, I do grab a nap when I can, then I am on the computer working on pr/marketing for The Cancer Warrior or my other facebook clients, or surfing the net, talking to other survivors, reading blogs and posting.  Fighting the fight.

They say there is no rest for the weary, I don't completely agree with that. I am determined to stay strong, so that those who are weary, those survivors who I advocate for, can rest.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

The season

I play hockey.  That is not new to any readers of this blog. I played on a coed league this year.  Haven't played coed hockey since I lived in California, because of the expense, and I really wanted to try to get the women's hockey program of off the ground, but cancer had other plans.

So I really returned to the ice this year, in an organized hockey program.  Last time I hit the ice before this was 3 years ago

3 years.  

I found out about my cancer right before the season started in 2007.   I remember telling my teammates, that I had cancer.  That was hard.  It was shocking, both to them and to me. At that point I didn't know what my course of treatment was going to be. 

When I finally saw the surgeon and he told me I had to have a port put in I said, what I can't play hockey for two years?  I actually thought that!!  Isn't that crazy?  I know I have written about this moment many times, but that tells you what an important role hockey has played in my life.  

So I really didn't know what to expect when I was told about this coed league.  Like I said before I had played in California.  There were a few women here and there, I had 2 female teammates on my first team I played on.  Some teams had no women on them.  Some didn't like women playing hockey.  There wasn't a sense of camaraderie within the league, only on our team.

The league manager does a draft.  He tries to put different levels of abilities of players together.  Its a C league, which means we have beginners and intermediates mostly, and some people who play very well interspersed within the teams.  There are 4 teams in this league.  I played on Hartman Law.

Now let me tell you this, in California, we had to buy our jerseys home and away, which was fine.  There is nothing like getting your first jersey with your name on the back.  Its an awesome feeling.  This being a small town that I live in now that is not the case.  They have sponsors for the teams.  So they have jerseys already made for the team, kind of a bummer, but that's ok.  I looked in the bin full of jerseys, found one that wasn't too big, it was #6.

 I remember when I stepped onto the ice for the first game I felt shaky, it had after all been 3 years since I played, but it felt good.  

On the ice everything makes sense, you can take all your aggressions, frustrations, anger, happiness every emotion you have and use it to play.  Its a physical sport, and it can change in an instant with the bounce of the puck, a deflection or a pass. Its also a team sport. You can't win the game alone, you rely on your teammates.

We only played 9 games in the regular season, but I was grateful for every second on the ice.  We won 4 games lost one and tied 4.  

We were in first place.

I didn't score a point in the regular season, and I wanted to so bad.  I had scored goals before when I played in California, and in the first game I played when I moved to Michigan, but I really wanted to score a goal or get an assist.  

I didn't during the regular season.

We had a two game playoff.  The first game was close. We won

Holy shit, my team is in the finals.

I have never been on a winning team before.

Until now.

I don't know what the time was in the first period but I scored the first goal in our final game.

It was a one timer.

All I can remember is seeing the puck on my stick then looking up and seeing it hit the back of the net.

My first goal after cancer.  Awesome.

The game lasted 45 minutes.  Just a blip in time when you consider how long I was in treatment for.

45 minutes, and we played hard.

And won.

The cool thing about this league, is the cameraderie.  My team was happy I scored.

But so was everyone else.

Not everyone in the league knew of my battle with cancer, how hard I fought.

How hard I continue to fight during survivorship for myself.

How hard I fight for others, some I have met, some I never will.

The best thing about this season?

It has brought me closer to feeling like me.

 And its about damn time...

 

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

You Like Me, You Really Like Me!!!

Just got an email today from Amy from licensedpracticalnurse.com saying they liked my blog and is featuring it on their website as one of their top breast cancer blogs.

I am honored and humbled by The Cancer Warrior's inclusion in this list.

I hope this means that I am making a difference in cancer survivor's lives.


Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes

Wow!!!!!! This blog was named on of the 15 Inspiring Breast Cancer blogs by Toponlinecolleges.com

Wow I am honored and humbled to be named among this amazing list of breast cancer  survivors. 
Thank you to everyone at Toponlinecolleges.com and thank you everyone for continuing to read about my cancer journey.  I always have to thank Matt Zachary for letting me blog on stupid cancer. 


Mel is the producer/cohost of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern  on wmktthetalkstation.com


Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com Available on demand and also available on Itunes.

Exercise and the Cancer Patient – All You Need to Know

Another Guest Blogger Enjoy

It’s a horrible disease, one that makes you suffer even if lets you live. No one can claim to know what a cancer patient goes through unless they’ve had some form of this dreaded disease as well. The shock of the initial diagnosis, the pain of the chemotherapy and radiation therapy, the loss of dignity and control over your life, the fear of suffering and eventual death – the list of agonies goes on and on when it comes to cancer. Even survivors are battle-scarred – they’ve lost so much of their life and sometimes even lose the will to fight the disease even though they’re over the worst of it, simply because they feel too exhausted mentally and physically.


However, exercise helps make a significant difference in the lives of cancer patients; whether they’re part of the rehab procedure or a regular part of the survivor’s life, workout routines provide them with:

• An increase in strength: When you’ve been ill for a while, your muscles atrophy and your limbs and joints become stiff and clumsy. You find that you stumble when you walk and that even the most simple chores and activities are now strenuous exercises. When you exercise so that your muscles and joints become stronger and more nimble, you feel yourself returning to normal and feeling fine.

• A boost in confidence: Exercise boosts both physical and mental wellbeing; just the fact that you’re able to move your limbs and go through the workout routine your therapist had designed for you is a boost to your confidence because it proves that you’re fighting the disease with all you’ve got and not letting it get you down. When you’re mentally prepared to do all it takes to fight cancer, it makes a huge difference in your ability to recover.

• Lower complications: When you exercise, you reduce the side effects and complications caused by your illness. You don’t suffer from blood clots and bedsores because of being holed up in bed for too long, and your overall health improves even as you battle cancer.

• Overall improvement in health: Exercise helps you sleep better and sometimes even removes the need for pain medication. Your appetite improves and you’re able to eat nutritious food that boosts your heath. And you start to look and feel better as your energy levels go up and you feel stronger than before.

Your physiotherapist will probably give you a range of exercises to go through every day; based on the nature of your illness, it could be passive or intense. Some routines target your ROM (range of movement) – for example, if you’ve had breast cancer and had your lymph nodes removed as part of the surgery, your arms and shoulders are going to feel stiff and heavy. Your therapist will teach you the right exercises so that you’re able to use your arms again without feeling any pain.

Exercise has also proved beneficial in reducing your risk of a relapse – breast and colorectal cancer research has shown that survivors who exercise are less likely to be affected by the disease again. So if you’re affected by cancer and on your way to recovery, don’t forget to include exercise in your arsenal of weaponry when fighting the disease.



This guest post is contributed by Paul Hench, he writes on the topic of  masters in public health. He welcomes your comments at his email id: paul.23hench@gmail.com.

A review of Showtime's The Big c

Hollywood never ceases to amaze me.  I worked there for 10 years in the television industry, working on everything from award shows to movies of the week to sitcoms to drama.  So I know when hollywood creates something like the series The Big c I have to suspend my disbelief (and oh, if you are not a frequent reader of my blog then I will tell you I don't capitalize the word cancer, gives it too much power, so even just the letter c in a title, sorry not going to do it.)


Laura Linney's character Cathy Jameson is told she has stage IV melanoma and only has a year or so to live.  She is in obvious shock and decides to forgo chemo (she doesn't want to lose her hair) and doesn't get a second opinion.  Right, you only have a year to live.  Ok thanks for the news doc, I will take your word for it.  Bye now...

I know many stage IV survivors who were given their "expiration date" by doctors who are still here, past that date,  fighting, alive and kicking. 

In the pilot episode Cathy doesn't tell her husband or her son about her cancer diagnosis.  Some may think this is selfish, but I get this part.  Cancer is scary, and in the midst of a diagnosis it is hard to process anything.  So yeah I understand.  It took me a while to tell people about my diagnosis.  Some people knew right away, others knew later.  For me it was hard to keep telling the story over and over and over again.

Linney's character decides that she needs to start living, she has been an uptight housewife for too long.  She wants to let her freak flag fly (I didn't make that up it was on the showtime site for the show)  I understand she wants to let loose, who wouldn't want to tell people exactly what they think of them, or build a pool in the front yard, ( I live in an apartment complex, so I think the manager would be upset if I started digging up the place)  but it doesn't give you the right to treat people like crap, like telling one of her students she has to be fat and jolly or be the skinny bitch. Sure, like that student wouldn't go straight to the schools administration and tell them what she said.

I felt that her character was very unlikeable at the beginning of the show, and really had few redeeming qualities.  Perhaps the writers felt that this was important so we see her go through her transformation into someone living life to the fullest.

The jury is still out for me on this show.  I try not to make a judgement on a show based upon one episode.  Given the subject matter and the cast, I will continue to watch this hollywood version of cancer, and suspend my disbelief

Mel is the producer~co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.  Available  on demand and also available on Itunes

Preventing a Recurrence of Cancer

Another guest blogger.  Enjoy

According to the National Cancer Institute, there are over 12 million cancer survivors in the US today.  And that number is expected to grow, as the population ages, treatments improve, and tests find the disease earlier.  

Cancer survivors face a myriad of health challenges, not to mention the daunting fear the cancer will return.  However, once a patient is deemed "in remission," they are typically disconnected from care -- as well as any attending support -- and told to come back in three to six months where diagnostic scans or blood tests will determine if the cancer has returned.

We suggest a far more pro-active, empowered approach: a remission maintenance plan that offers cancer survivors a personalized program to regain control of their health, restore vitality and protect against the cancer returning. At the Block Center, once a patient has completed their treatment, we personally tailor a comprehensive Remission Maintenance program for them that includes: therapeutic nutrition, exercise, mind-spirit care, and anti-tumor therapies.

Understandably, after hearing that they are "in remission," patients may want to retreat psychologically to a "cancer- free" zone and never think about the disease again.  But this is why they shouldn't:  Cancer is as much a microscopic and molecular disease as it is a visible one. Thus, a patient in remission may still harbor malignant cells (ones that were resistant to chemotherapy or radiation, and therefore survived the attack phase). These cells unfortunately have the ability to show up with a vengeance, even when one least suspects. Not placing far greater emphasis on containing and addressing these cells from the get-go is a significant omission of mainstream treatment. But while preemptive treatment strategies may only exist in integrative clinics, when it comes to the diagnostic side, a new technology has begun demonstrating the relevance of these virulent escape cells.

Enter CTCs (circulating tumor cells)! Over a decade ago, the Block Center was one of a few that were performing bone marrow biopsies to evaluate for malignant cells in both the marrow and in circulation. It took several years, but eventually this evolving diagnostic technology made it into conventional care. While easier to perform today and more reliable as well, we continue to use this in our clinic. This technology allows us and others the ability to measure in our patients the number of these detached cells circulating freely from the main cancer mass.  Though not yet approved for all cancer, research studies have shown that an increase of these cells is prognostic of a patient's survival.

For instance, a CTC count may be a better prognostic indicator for survival among prostate cancer patients than a PSA level -- the test used presently to determine and follow the course of prostate cancer growth.

By comparing the levels of CTC in 37 men with metastatic prostate cancer, researchers at Thomas Jefferson University found that for the men with 5 CTCs or more, the median overall survival was only 8.4 months. Whereas, if these men were found to have less than 5 CTCs, the median survival was 48 months! 

The relevance of CTCs is also relevant to other cancers. For instance, CTCs were measured in 151 women with metastatic breast cancer. The MD Anderson Cancer Center's researchers found that those patients with 5 or more CTCs had a median survival of only 13 months, whereas those with less 5 survived over 29 months!

Controlling, preventing or overcoming these detached and disseminating cells is possibly the biggest conundrum facing cancer scientists. While these cells are generally addressed during treatment, the first steps of recurrence prevention should start with strategies to counter the survival of these residual cells and inhibiting their potential proliferation. In fact, CTCs that have gone through the onslaught of treatment and have nonetheless survived have the potential to evolve into more aggressive clones encouraging a more virulent malignancy. So what to do?

Aggressive Monitoring

We recommend regular monitoring of patients' status with lab tests and imaging to detect early signs of disrupted biochemistry or a recurrence of disease, especially in the year or two after remission.

Being "diagnostically aggressive" may allow us to be less invasive therapeutically. In the first years after remission, therefore, we recommend:

• Clinical visits with your oncologist, at least every three to four months in the first and second year and every six months for the next several years
• Scans and blood tests of tumor markers every three months.
• Complete blood count and chemistry test every three months.
• Nutrition status, including weight changes, body composition, and albumin levels, every three months.
• Internal terrain monitoring, every three to six months for the terrain factors that are most problematic.

While monitoring, there is no reason to wait anxiously for the other shoe to drop.  So immediately implement a full integrative program.

• Make sound dietary changes toward adherence of a whole foods diet.  Reduction in dietary fat has already been shown to cut recurrences in different cancers. Controlling refined flour, sugar and junk food is a necessary step to avoid the recurrence risk of elevated blood glucose and spiking insulin levels.
• Introduce aerobics, strength and flexibility training into your daily schedule. Yoga, pilates, chi gong or any number of fitness approaches is an essential step towards recurrence prevention. Considerable research supports that risk, response, recurrence and outcomes are tied to physical care.
• Mitigate stress through progressive relaxation, meditation, or simply easing the load on an excessive work schedule. Elevated cortisol levels are associated with poorer outcomes in breast cancer patients. So do what it takes to transform less healthy patterns.
• Get rest and adequate sleep. The more active you are in the daytime, the better you'll sleep at night. Few of us get enough sleep and the adverse consequences to an otherwise health promoting, cancer inhibitory environment can be devastating.

© 2010 Keith I. Block, M.D., author of Life Over Cancer: The Block Center Program for Integrative Cancer Treatment
Author Bio
Keith I. Block, M.D. is Director of Integrative Medical Education at the University of Illinois College of Medicine; Medical Director of the Block Center for Integrative Cancer Treatment in Evanston, Illinois; and founder and Scientific Director of the nonprofit Institute for Integrative Cancer Research and Education. He is also editor in chief of the peer-reviewed professional journal Integrative Cancer Therapies and a member of the National Cancer Institute's Physician Data Query Complementary and Alternative Medicine (CAM) Editorial Board.

For more information, please visit www.lifeovercancer.com and www.blockmd.com. Become a fan of Life Over Cancer and the Block Center for Integrative Cancer Treatment on Facebook.

Cancer Treatment Centers of America Empowerment Rally

Watch live streaming video from cancercenter at livestream.com

The Team

ESPN had an hour special on about where Lebron James was going to play.  An hour.   I didn't watch it but I posted on facebook and twitter about how great it would be if ESPN would donate an hour to Mandi Schwartz, about her plight, and her need to find a donor.  I got responses on facebook that I wasn't expecting. Some people seemed upset about it.  Uh its only one hour, and dude, Lebron decided around 4pm that day where he was going.  They said ESPN is a sports channel (wow now THERE'S breaking news)  That ESPN donates millions of dollars to cancer research through the Jimmy V foundation, which is totally awesome and I applaud them for that.


60 minutes was all I was saying the sports channel could donate to help Mandi, or even 30, in the mere scope of things it isn't that long.  That is about as long as we wait for the doctor, not even including the actual appointment.  It would be cool if any channel would donate an hour or even a half hour to Mandi, but I get it if you donate for one person, should you donate time for all? It could be a slippery slope.

Mandi is a hockey player, like me.  She plays at a collegiate level, ok so not like me.  I would love to share the ice with her and skate with her team, even though I would get seriously schooled by the Yale Women's Hockey team, it would totally rock.

Well now Mandi is on another team.  A team that I joined in Sept 2007 when I was diagnosed with cancer. 

A team I really didn't want to join.

But here I am.

On this team.

I hope Mandi reads this, so she knows she has people like me on her team.  There are people who were on this team before me, and unfortunately will be after me.

Since hockey is a great analogy for fighting cancer, I have just one thing to say to Mandi, and, to anyone on my team, who is on the ice,skating hard, or  battling...

I will drop the gloves for you.

For more info about Mandi: http://www.BecomeMandisHero.net


Mel is the producer of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon on www.wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on Itunes.

Hit me baby one more time....

So my docs office called me on Saturday morning.  Yes you read that right Saturday morning. At 8:30 to give me the results of a bone scan.  Now anyone who knows me knows that if you call me that early and I answer chances are I wont have a clue of what we talked about.  I am more of a night owl, or insomniac, whichever you want to call it.  So she mentioned something about osteopenia and the scan I had a while ago.

So I fall back to sleep and when I wake up I am thinking osteopenia?  What the hell is that?  Sounds like some country in Europe, between Luxemborg and Lithuania, I was never really good at geography so I guess it could have been.

Of course I look up osteopenia. I am a internet junkie, of course I am going to look it up.  It is defined on Web MD as: Osteopenia refers to bone mineral density BMD  that is lower than normal peak BMD but not low enough to be classified as osteoporosis.

So let me get this straight. I finished up the shitty part of my treatment in mid 2008.  I get a bone scan and find out that I have another side effect.

FUCK.

While I know that this was a possibility, once again going back to the "menu" of side effects that the docs give you while you are going through treatment I didn't expect it. I expected to be finished.  Done with side effects.  I still have lingering neuropathy that shows up every once and a while like an unwanted house guest and sometimes stays like one too.

Getting another side effect is like getting punched in the face without expecting it. Except, with that the black eye you may get will go away. Osteopenia  however stays with you.  Yes I will take more pills (oh goody just what I wanted to do spend more fucking money on meds and take more fucking pills) and do weight bearing exercises (walking, which I find extremely boring and tedious, and no there will be no running, not with these knees)  to help offset the osteopenia.

Sometimes I wonder why my body hates me so much. I have been pretty good to it, (well we wont talk about those college days, that is just to be expected, and what happens in the dorms stays in the dorms)  It attacks me with cancer (overproduction of cells)  My immune system attacks me (hypothyroidism) I have vitamin d deficiency, I have no clue how I got that besides I am not outside enough?    My mind attacks me with depression.

It is very frustrating to think you are out of the woods only to look up and see more trees.

Like I always say:

Cancer, its the gift that keeps on giving. 

Mel is the co~host/producer of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com 

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com. Available on demand and also available on itunes.

They are just words, right?

I am online alot.  Some would say I am a social media junkie.  It is the wave of the future.  During these times online I read blogs, articles, facebook posts, tweets about cancer.  I am an advocate and I try to keep up on the latest news and goings on to keep readers of my blog and my facebook pages informed.  Something I started doing a while ago.  Anytime I found an interesting article or news piece I would post it, figuring it may be of interest to someone, especially since most people don't pour over medical info like I do.

I read other survivors blogs, not just breast cancer survivors, but other cancer survivors too.  Different cancer, same battle as I like to think.  We are all in the same fight.

Words.  They help, they heal.  They convey feelings.   In a prior post I blogged about my feelings of "cured" vs "cancer free."

Another word that just drives me crazy when it comes to people describing their battle is suffer (for the Vic McCarty show we actually had an author who had that in the title of his book!)

I believe in a positive mindset.  The way you look at something can change your outlook, your perception of how it is going.  When I began to talk about cancer on the radio and people asked me if I suffer from cancer I would angrily say no (I am not a cancer victim either, but that is an older blog that I wrote some time ago)  I am a fighter, I am a survivor, I am not a sufferer.  Yes cancer has attacked my body, attacked my mind, depression is something I never thought I would have and yes it has even attacked my spirit.  But through all of that I can honestly say I didn't suffer.  I prevailed.  I triumphed.  Its all in the way you look at things.  Some days I would get so tired I could barely make it through a 3 hour workday.  Some days I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, was disgusted at the lack of hair I had from the chemo making it fall out.  The radiation machine freaked me out so much I had to crank up music on the ipod so I wouldn't hear the noise of the machine or the sound of my breathing, thinking am I breathing too hard that this will radiate my lungs (one of the side effects they tell you you may have.)
Through all of that I still don't say I suffered.

I believe in positive thinking.

I fought.

I battled.

I didn't suffer

I am  a  Warrior. 



Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern time on wmktthetalkstation.com also available as a  podcast.

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com.  Also available on itunes.

The importance of vigilance

Kari's survivor story

Thanks to Dana Farber Cancer Institute for allowing me to repost

Bio of the host of video:
Dr. Kenneth Miller, medical director of Dana-Farber's Lance Armstrong Foundation Adult Cancer Survivorship Program knows that the end of cancer treatment is not the end of the cancer experience. As an oncologist, and a husband of a two-time cancer survivor, Dr. Miller knows that survivors need to find a new balance in life, one that recognizes where they’ve been medically, and where they’re going for a healthy future. The Living Well Beyond Cancer video series available for viewing online at www.dana-farber.org/livingwellbeyondcancer features Miller interviewing experts from the fields of oncology, psychology, nutrition, and more, outlining many of the issues survivors typically face, from fear of recurrence to long-term health concerns to creating a wellness plan.

Cure or Cancer Free?

I got into a heated debate, well lets say argument with a friend of mine about doctors using the word cure.  Once again, I have to say  this is my personal opinion, which will, I am sure piss some people off. I get stubborn that way.  I have my own beliefs.  I am not saying they are right, they are just mine.  Like I was telling my friend.  This is only my opinion, you don't have to like it, and if everyone had the same opinion as me the world would be a pretty boring place.

I hate it when doctors use the word cure when describing cancer.  Let's be honest.  There is no cure, not for one tiny little variant strain of any cancer. I wish to God there was.  I wish all oncologists would be put out of business, but that is not the case.

My friend asked me why it bothered me so much, Here is why: THERE IS NO CURE FOR CANCER.  For me, my definition, cure means there is 100% chance that your cancer will not return.  No doctor can say that, because, well once again, no cure. 

After I argued with my friend, I googled cure for cancer, just to see what I would come up with. Couldn't find anything listed.  Now I hoped against all hopes that I was wrong, that I would see something  on oncolink or something posted from the New England Journal of Medicine. 

Nothing.

I am cancer free, that is what the surgeon told me when he removed the cancerous tumor from my body.  If I was cured, then I would have assumed there would have been no need for the months of chemo, radiation and targeted gene therapy afterwards.

But I went through all that, and I still take tamoxifen, and I will until 2012.  I still get blood tests and scans, and have appointments, and I still worry a little every time,  because I am not cured, but because I am cancer free. 

I will advocate, I will blog, I will keep on doing my podcast.


Until there's a cure.

Mel is the producer of The Vic McCarty Show. Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand and on itunes

Advocate..

 

 

 Another guest blogger

When this whole thing started, meaning, form the moment I was told, "You have cancer." (and actually, those weren't the words, they weren't even speaking directly to me. They were telling my mom, and said, "She has cancer." and I just happened to be laying in the hospital bed next to her, drugged up from a 9 hour spinal fusion surgery, and overheard them. Either way, same impact.) and for quite some time after being diagnosed, any kind of cancer campaigning really rubbed me the wrong way. Pink ribbons made me angry. And I'll admit, even now, pink buckets of KFC for cancer just seems inane. Part of that is my opinions about the fast food industry, but something about the way cancer awareness is presented to the public, is a bit euphemistic, to the point of being cutesy.

But I'm experiencing, both with myself and through meeting cancer survivors, that once people reach a certain comfort level in their own situations, that there's almost a natural progression towards advocacy and awareness, and just wanting to help. 

My biggest topic, I want to advocate, and actually bring change to, is early detection. And not just to the public, but to the medical industry, as well. Here's a little background on me: I'm 29 now, I was diagnosed 2 years ago at 27. There is no history of breast cancer on my mother's side, my father's sister died of breast cancer at 50. I was 24 at the time, so breast cancer didn't seem like an immediate concern then, though looking back, I probably already had it. Plus, doctor's tell me that paternal genetics don't really factor in, anyway. Well, ok then.

 

But I wasn't a complete dullard. I had been doing self exams in the shower from the time I was a teenager. My mom had this model her obgyn gave her of this little squishy plastic breast with some, what I can only assume were, marbles embedded in it. It hung in the shower, and I felt it, and felt my own, and aside from it not even feeling like a real breast, I never felt anything even remotely close to this doughy, plasticine-like, marble filled maquette in my own breasts. Granted, I was just a teenager at this point, but I continued self exams throughout my 20's, and was told a variety of different methods for examining, and what to look for. I was told, "Lumpy, like oatmeal, was ok lumpy." Well, what kind of oatmeal are we talking about here?? I like my oatmeal lumpy. I was told not to dig around in the breast, that abnormalities would be felt with a flat hand. I was told pain is an indicator, but that premenstrual pain and firming was totally normal. And I was told that every woman has one breast that's larger than the other.

Here's what I did find: one breast was bigger than the other, and before my periods, it would get firm and painful, and the nipple seemed kind of anchored to the interior of the breast, where the other did not. I told my obgyn, who did an exam, and told me to lay off the caffeine. This was probably 6 months before I was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer. At that point my main concern was all the other pain I was having. Back pain, chest pain, trouble breathing. I went to several other specialists to address all these other pains, no one really came up with anything. Muscle spasm, was one guess, pneumonia, was another. One of the specialists even did a breast exam. He told me it was most likely Costochondritis, an infection of the ribcage, and it would go away. The night before I woke up unable to walk, with no feeling in my legs, and went to the hospital to learn I had a broken back caused by the metastasis, I remember standing in front the mirror looking at my body, and wondering why I was in so much pain. My whole chest seemed misshapen, and there were dark veins running in the direction of my left breast. Once I was diagnosed the oncologist even said that my tumor is not easy to locate. It was large, and flat, and just kind of blended in. Looking back, that firmness I felt around my periods was probably the closest I ever was to detecting it before it metastasized. But I did mention that to my doctor's, and was told it was pretty normal, just stop drinking coffee. So I don't know what else I could have done to catch it any earlier.

I recently reconnected with a friend and told her my story. She is 32, and said that she has similar symptoms with her breasts, pain, firmness, size difference, even chest pain. I don't want to make anyone paranoid, or turn them into a hypochondriac, so I just told her to see her doctor. She did... they told her to stop drinking coffee. Hearing those words again, made me shudder. I understand it would be unlikely, for a friend of mine to have the the exact same condition, but because I have it, there's no way I can sit here and say it's not a very REAL possibility. Because it is REAL for me. And the sad truth is that cancer IS almost that common.

So my dilemma is, what do I do with this? How can my story help? Especially since my story consists of me having next to no symptoms until it was already advanced! I don't know how that's supposed to help anyone? But I do feel the first step is putting my story out there, and seeing what comes from that.

 

 I understand the medical industry is not going to start doing mammograms on every 25 year old, with no maternal family history of cancer, who's breasts hurt occasionally. But maybe if people weren't only specifically looking for perfectly round marbles, or extra lumpy oatmeal, or knew that zombie veins on their chest might mean more than just poor circulation, and if doctors exams were a little less generic, and their patients concerns weren't dismissed due to age.... then maybe, someone, anyone, might not find themselves where I am now. And that would be something.

 

About the guest blogger:

Kourtney Logan Lampedecchio was diagnosed with stage IV HER2/neu positive breast cancer at the age of 27. Upon discovery it had already metastasized to her spine, deteriorating the T3, 4, and 5 vertebrae, requiring a spinal fusion surgery. Recently, 12 brain metastasis where discovered, and she just finished a course of radiation to treat those. Through it all, Kourtney continues to pursue her passions of spending time with her horse and dog, friends and family, who are her support system, and without them would be lost. She is also continuing to pursue her professional and academic goals of becoming a scenic designer for theatre, by working freelance in the Sacramento, CA area, and attending graduate school in the fall at UC Davis, where she is also currently undergoing treatment. She is now 29, and lives with her family in Placerville, CA. 

You can check out her blog at http://www.kourtneylogan.blogspot.com/
 

Battling your demons

This blog entry has been a long time coming.  I have been depressed.  I didn't really realize it until just recently when I talked to my doctor.  It may come as a shock to a lot of people, as I hid it very well.  

Looking back I think it has been at least since December since the depression started to affect me.  I used to be a gym rat, but I haven't really been to the gym in a long time.  Oh sure I can make excuses like I was tired or work, but I face the fact that it was depression.

My doctor asked me if my depression was so bad I couldn't get out of bed, I laughed to myself, thinking, well I wouldn't have a job if I couldn't get out of bed now would I?  I still have my sense of humor.

I would do just enough to skate by at work too.  You are probably thinking, uh you work at a radio station, you don't have the missile launch codes or anything like that how can you just skate by?

Well I would do just enough.  On the outside to everyone else I looked happy and fine, in my head I was freaking out over everything, everything would make me upset.  You name it, it would probably upset me.

Cancer is easy for me to understand.  Cells reproduce into a tumor. Take out the tumor, no cancer.  In the simplest of terms right?

Depression, as described by dictionary.com is:

sadness; gloom; dejection,  a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason

That explains it, that is how I felt.  Its not something you can just "get over"  Believe me I tried.  I had hoped it was just some passing thing.  That the chemicals in my brain would be jacked just enough to make me upset and sad. 

I tried to read about it Serotonin-norepinephrine are the chemicals in the brain, but blah blah medical terminology, I got distracted.  

People have said to me when I tell them I have been depressed, well its no wonder you have been through a lot.  Yeah but I should be able to handle this shouldn't I?  After all its been over a year since I have been done with treatment.  I shouldn't be feeling this way.  At least that is what I would tell myself, fighting my own sad or angry thoughts, trying to make them stop.  I survived cancer, and the treatment and now some chemicals in my head aren't reacting properly.

I was taking one pill (effexor) once a day to deal with my depression (as I said before in other blogs, I have a hard time asking for help) 

I met with my doc for a routine appointment and she was concerned about my mood.  Even that pissed me off a little (that should have told me something I thought to myself what do I have to be a happy freaking monkey all the time?)

The final straw that made me realize I needed help was when I thought someone unfriended me on facebook.  I started to cry.  I was at work and doing a live airshift.  I texted a mutual friend of mine and we chatted about it.  Turns out our friend's facebook page was hacked and she had to turn it off.

The next day I called the doctor and asked if I could take effexor twice a day.  It has made a world of difference.  

The moral of my story:  Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need to.  Your doctor, your priest, a therapist, whomever.  You are not in this fight alone.  At times it may feel like it is just you against the world, but that is not the case.  

Trust me, I know.

Mel is the producer/co~host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen live Monday-Friday 10am-noon eastern on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my show The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand now and also available on Itunes

Emotional Rollercoaster

Another Guest Blog.  Enjoy

So today has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster...for the first time in a long time! I decided last night that I was going to move my blog over to blogger.com. In the process I decided that I was going to read all of my previous posts, and kind of look at how I had changed from the beginning of treatment to the end.



So with that said I realized one thing...that I always acted like there was nothing really wrong, like nothing could get me down, and that cancer was not a big deal.


Chemotherapy kicked my ass, I want to get that out there right now. I acted like it was no big deal, and that is the actual attitude I had because if I let it get to me then I would have never made it through it all as well as I did. While reading my blog I took a step back and tried to pretend that I was just some other person reading my blog. It was a strange experience because there were some things that I read where I thought that I should be more open about what I was really feeling, and then there were others where I read it and thought to myself that I should have not said what I said. Though I guess I would not be who I am if I hadn't just typed what I was thinking like I did.


I have to say for any person that is going through chemo or radiation, or treatment for any illness or disease...write a blog, it has proven to be very therapeutic in my case. Now that I am reading through it I mean I am realizing that there are a lot of underlying tones and themes to some of the things I said that I never notice before. Which I won't go into, I will let you read them for yourself!


Anyway, back to how it made me feel today. It made me really feel like a survivor! The complications I had, the way I felt during treatment, and the people I met and the things that I went through with them all. I have never felt more like a survivor in my life. I mean going through all of the cancer treatments I also had my other previous issues like having heart disease, a pacemaker, and having cancer before. Cancer really took the front position though, I mean it was during all of this that I decided I wanted to start an organization to raise awareness about cancer, and during this was when I realized that I wanted to write a book on my life starting with my cancer and the retouching on all my other life experiences.



As much as I hate to say this, I hate to admit that cancer has changed me for the better. I would love to say that I changed myself for the better, but it was really a damn disease that changed me as a person. Though I guess that tough situations end up being the things that changed people for the better or worse, and luckily mine changed me for the better.


It also changed the way I wear my hair haha! Before I was all for growing my hair out, but now that I have gone through the process of losing my hair and my beard, I decided that I should keep shaving my head (though I haven't cut it in 2 or 3 weeks now). Soon I will start shaving my head again, but my beard shall stay. Always appreciate your hair whether you have a lot or a little, because once you lose it you will never be the same!


This is all for now my friends!


Until next time,



-The Tech
 
About the author:
Hey readers, my name is Andrew Gemmell, and I am a 24 year old heart disease, stroke, and two time cancer survivor! I have been in and out of the hospital my whole life for mostly cardiac surgeries and procedures like pacemaker implants! Though more recently I have been having my latest life battles with cancer. On March 26th 2008 I was diagnosed the first time with a Stage 1 Testicular Seminoma and simply had to have surgery to remove the mass. No other treatment was needed at the time, but on October 16th, 2009 I was diagnosed with cancer for the second time. This time the doctors found a Stage 3 Seminoma on my Para-Aortic Lymph Node in my abdomen. So the doctors put me through chemo and of course I barreled through it and came out healthy and with a much better attitude than I have ever had. Now that it is all over I am starting an organization and campaign called "Protect Your Pair" in which I want to raise awareness and offer support to cancer survivors and their families! Like I said, my attitude now is much better than ever before, and I am ready to fight with everyone that has been affected by cancer to try and make things better!
 
To contact Andrew: drew@protectyourpair.org

Lessons Learned

 

I am done with treatment, well for the most part.  I take a pill everyday, not so bad compared to the chemo I took for 5 months.   

 

I have met many great people online, and through my podcast, many survivors who are going thru the same type of treatment I did.  I wish I had known about facebook and twitter during my treatment.  I think I would have had an easier time with it.  Yes I did have a positive mental attitude, but some days it was hard to keep that up.  It is hard when you are in the thick of it, that anyone could possibly feel as low or as tired or as shitty as you do.  Trying to explain it to someone who hasn't been there like a caregiver or friend or loved one seems ridiculous "They don't have cancer, how the fuck are they going to know how I feel??!!!"

Talking about it or being upset or bringing it up would just make me feel like my friends were thinking  "God there's cancer girl upset again."  As crazy as that sounds that is what I would think.  I know that was not the case, but in the moment, that is what I felt.

Now I see a friend of mine,  who I met on facebook, start herceptin.  She was nervous about it because of all of the side effects she had.  She had a rougher go of it then I did, she seemed to have a lot more side effects than me.  I kind of feel a little guilty, yes survivors guilt, that she has had more side effects than me.  I wish I could take those side effects away from her, so she could have more energy to spend time with her kids.  

We were talking about people calling us inspirational, as survivors we have heard these words tossed about.  Inspirational, brave. 

I don't see these words relating to me at all. 

I was told I had cancer

I was told what my options were

I wanted to live

Did I have a choice?  I guess I did.  I could have not fought cancer. That isn't my style.  I enjoy a good debate.  Hell, sometimes I will argue just to argue.  I wont back down from a fight.  

Inspirational???

Brave????

Nope.  Just me...

Mel is the producer/co-host of The Vic McCarty Show.  Listen Live Monday~Friday 10am-noon eastern standard time on wmktthetalkstation.com

Check out my podcast The Cancer Warrior on Empoweradio.com available on demand and on itunes.